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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Waiting To Diedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vampirefreak69
    Elite Ratio:    2.14 - 30/103/87
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 988
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 959



    Description:
       just to let everyone know, this poem is not true.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWaiting To Diedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I stand here on this bridge
    Waiting for my chance to jump
    The cars below me drive by unaware
    Unaware about whatís going to happen

    I couldnít get you off my mind
    Now this is my only chance
    My only chance to rid myself of your face
    Your face thatís forever haunting me

    But then again, what if I donít die
    Will I be able to tell you why I jumped
    Will I be able to explain
    Explain the fact that I love you

    Will I be able to say that Iím sorry
    Sorry for telling you no
    Sorry for everything I did
    That made you so upset

    Your face is here right now
    As I position myself to jump
    I feel as though if I turn around
    Iíll see you standing there

    I canít stand here any longer
    So, I just fall
    I watch as the lights above me fade
    And my world is turned to darkness




    Submitted on 2005-08-09 10:02:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Jump already!
    Naw, just kidding-i had to say that
    I like how in the 1st 2 verses you repeated word/phrase-that built tension. But you got away from that. Also, this person was true to their nature by NOT taking action & jumping-falling instead.
    Keep up the writing!
    cleo
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by CleoCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      to much suicide for me.. i in my own opinion believe that its weak.. especially over a girl.. they come dime a dozen.. but i do understand the heartbreak the guy feels.. when you have lost that someone.. in their minds people run through this same scenario time and time again... and you just expressed it.. good job
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeepers, that was brilliant! It definately reminds me of those moments when you really wish to die but you realize how many people around you love you and you would never be able to explain it to them as to why you did it. Then of course you sit and think to yourself, if they're my friends, they'd be calling me or coming over at this very moment, but you realize you're all alone in your room. I hate that because you only are trying to make excuses as to why you should get rid of youself...anywho, i'm babbling so I should just say this is a great poem and I'm soooo adding it to my favs.
    Take care,
    ~steph
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]
      I know how this feels kinda. every night when i close my eyes i see his face. hes just so pure and gorgeous that i can barely stand it. I cant stand the thought of not being able to hold him at night and not being able to be near him. I know this sucks but it happens to almost everyone. Great Job Loved It!

    Megan
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by animal07 | [ Reply to This ]
      Regaurdless of weather this was true to you or not, i could definately relate to this. I must admit, that i have had these thoughts many times...I could definately feel the fear that the character had in this. I especially like the last stanza...I don't know why i do...it just sounds so...real, i guess. You might want to put in some punctuation, it is not a big deal, but it does make a difference as to how it sounds when read. It is kind of sad, that it takes one person to unintentionaly end a life like this...but it happens, and you brought that feeling to words. Great work.
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      this was nice. The whole idea or writing down whats on the jumpers mind for once...very original. I like it...I can relate alot.

    There was a lot of repetition...perhaps you could find words to replace those repeated? When you repeat words, it takes away the dramatic effect you could have, messes the flow up a bit too...

    But I did like this piece. Gave me an image of a jumper and then thoughts from my own past collided with your words,...it was cool...

    -Dark
    | Posted on 2005-08-14 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]


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