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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Releasedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: frozenconscienc
    ASL Info:    17/f/md
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 91/55/13
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 1422
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 953



    Description:
       I haven't done anything like this. It was just an interesting thought when I was in the writing mood, and had no personal drama at the time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReleasedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wish I could say it was so
    That I really felt that way
    Why can't you let it go?

    The situation isn't dire
    You're taking this too far
    I'll admit that I'm a liar
    So hop back into your car

    Get away from here
    This from you I plead
    I never meant to hurt you dear
    But this is what I need

    I needed someone there
    Someone to cleanse my sore
    I'm really glad that you did care
    But I don't need you anymore

    I didn't mean to hurt you
    I never would've thought
    That you wanted me too
    Your love I hadn't saught

    Yes I did use you
    This I will admit
    I didn't have a clue
    That you would have a fit

    I can't say it was so
    That I really felt the same
    But now it's time for you to let go.




    Submitted on 2005-08-09 14:24:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I can't say that I like this one, although I do think it was very good. It sounds like the same stuff my ex was saying to me while trying to explain why he did the things he did, so i'm a little biased.
    | Posted on 2005-10-06 00:00:00 | by CompletelyME | [ Reply to This ]
      very good great write and enjoyable read
    when reading i like to ty a put myself in the story as well as the writer
    sandman
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      This had a na-na-na rhythmic feel to it and it could almost be lyrics to a song. I liked the blatant honesty and thought it was a good piece. Love,Peace,Joy! tif ; )
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Like Samuel said, I liked have the first and last stanza contrast the other ones, it gave it more flava.

    There are only two parts that I thought could use just a tiny adjustment.

    "I needed someone there
    Someone to cleanse my sore
    I'm really glad that you did care
    But I don't need you anymore"

    I think perhaps you should bold the word "did" in the third line just so the reader know's how to read that sentence and rhyme it with the rest of the piece. Only because its longer and has more syllables, which gives the reader a chance to sound things out clearer. I wasnt crazy about the word sore either, but you rhymed it well.

    "I didn't mean to hurt you
    I never would've thought
    That you wanted me too
    Your love I hadn't saught"

    This is both cliché ( or too cliché for your great piece), and not a great rhyme. Dont take that the wrong way, because you can rhyme way better then me, but to be honest I think you could do without this ztanza completely. Or myabe jsut tweaking it to a different rhyme.

    I dunno, its your piece, and I really did like this one:OP Rage and angst feels good (on occasion at least)

    -Kayla
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    69931

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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