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Author: OrangeWithWhite
ASL Info:    27/m/Buf NY
Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 41 /48 /11
Words: 221
Class/Type: Misc /Love
Total Views: 1115
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1315



I call you, but you don't answer your phone.
I know you won't get back to me today.
In fact you are working 26 hours this weekend,
So maybe 3 days from now, on Monday I can hear you voice.

I sit here at my computer,
With all of these: thoughts, feelings, wishes, hopes, dreams,
All of these running through my head,
And then they all come crashing down
So I turn on Brand New,
while I start writing another crappy poem,
trying to get out of this depression

As I start thinking about how I dream of the day
When she will be done working so much.
It hits me that day may never come.
I then start to ponder my life without her.
It hurts even more now then ever before,
So much that trickles of tears turns into down-poring.

I love her so much, and try to picture what she is doing,
And how she is feeling at this exact moment.
All the time I am hoping
That she is thinking of me too.
But praying that she doesn't miss me,
Because I wouldn't wish this pain I feel upon anyone else.

So I cry myself to sleep hoping that I don't remember my dreams,
and that my nightmare doesn't come true.

Submitted on 2005-08-09 18:58:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This piece is an emotional one. It is sad, depressed even, and unabashedly so, which is good for this theme. It focuses on the darker side of love; yes it is wonderful to be with the other person, but every high has a low, and here you show it well.

A bit of criticism which may or may not be right, and which you can feel free to ignore. Poetry is not my area of experience.

The repetition of I reinforces the isolation you feel, which is good, but it might also distract if the focus is really on the other person. (I know I use I a lot in my writing without considering this effect and it is a note a lot of my friends give me.) It seems to me (and I could be wrong,) the focus is not so much on the other person as on your feelings, which may be a result of the other person, but are in essence, still yours. Based on this I might re-title the piece “I Miss You” to more openly show the focus of the piece.

Other than that I think this is a well done piece that manages to steer clear of cliché on a very overdone topic. Hope to read more when I have time.
| Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by dvd7936 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow I loved this poem it reminds me alot of my boyfriend and I right now he is not here and i miss him teribly and i feel the same way you do in this poem it was a great write keep it up

~ Love Ashley
| Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by OscuraAmor | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this. It was sad, and i could definately feel that. The desperation...i guess you would call it...was great in this poem. You wrote this to sound so it actually is happening. And if it is, I can only hope for you that things shoud get better. I really liked the last two lines. They were creative...not so much original, but they definatley work well with this. The only thing i would change though, is in the last line,

"And that my nightmare don't come true."

Should be...

"And that my nightmares don't come true."


And that my nightmare doesn't come true."

It is a small mistake...and i guess depending on if you had more than one nightmare in thought, it should be plural...But anyways, this was great...very sad...I loved it. Great work.
| Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  ok... thanks for th gramer mistake... when i wrote it i make it plural be a few min later changed it to a single nightmare hince the mistake.. and yes it was based on a ture story, but she is trying to get out of credit card debt so i guess it's ok... i told her never again to use those dumb thing... instead of owning things the things start owning you
| Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by OrangeWithWhite | [ Reply to This ]

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