Clouds for Me by Malcolm Bishop

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Submission Name: Clouds for Me dots

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Author:	Malcolm Bishop
Elite Ratio:	2.09 - 355/189/39
Words:	274

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	327
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1551

Description:
Love lost

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CLOUDS FOR ME, OH CLOUDS FOR ME,
CRY YOUR TEARS AND MIRROR ME.

With the lights of the city running up the hood of my car,
I try to outrun my heart, but that's too far.
If I could drive to the moon then catch a comets' tail,
I still would not be far enough from this loves' spell.

Traffic lights with reds and greens,
I pay no mind to these trivial things.
With neon splayed across my windshield like thoughts in my head,
my heart beats slower, it's damn near dead.

CLOUDS FOR ME, OH CLOUDS FOR ME,
CRY YOUR TEARS AND MIRROR ME.

Cruising along the boulevard,
with heart soft and liver hard,
I pull over to catch a breath.
My breath is caught,
my soul is bought,
I'm ready for my drive into oblivion. And then she strolls on over.

CLOUDS FOR ME, OH CLOUDS FOR ME,
CRY YOUR TEARS AND MIRROR ME.

A lady of the night as it seems,
coming to negotiate with me.
With each elbow resting on my door,
her eyes peer into mine.
After ensuring I carry no badge she gives me the menu of her body.

CLOUDS FOR ME,OH CLOUDS FOR ME,
CRY YOUR TEARS AND MIRROR ME.

She asks me what I want, I tell her I want to drive to the moon,
and soon, then catch a comet so that I may forget,
what perfect love I once had, it slip away I let.

Then I hit the gas.

Submitted on 2005-08-10 02:36:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Wow this is amazing it paints such a clear picture in my mind not only of the scene you set but the feelings felt throughout...

love and even more so losing love can make you think and feel crazy things...thats the overall feel that i get from this..please let me know if i read it wrong...but i can completely relate to this...not the same scene exactly but the same desperation to replace what was lost even if for a brief moment...knowing full well it cant be done..another brilliant piece!...stormy
| Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  This is such a sad poem. How awful this feeling is when you let someone you love slip away. I am not sure why it happens...only to be regretted later. Maybe we think they would never leave, or maybe we just ignore the problems but either way, it happens and the feelings of loss and regret are immense. I like how you have written this. The expression of your sadness is well conveyed. You allow the reader to "feel" your emotions. Very well written. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Again, as with a lot of your work, the feeling behiind this one and the imagry it calls up is really first class.
Having commented on a fair few pieces of your work know, I'm getting a better idea for what your style is, the things that you do all the time and the 'flavour' your poetry has.
Because of this, I'll make some more general comments here as opposed to just repeating things that I've said before. I think the biggest problem facing your poetry is that a lot of it tends to be very literal. That is, it records actual events completely, it covers everything, and poetry doesn't really need to do that. With the next narrative poem you write, try to go through what you're trying to say, hightlight the moments in the chain of events that say that best, and then focus on them.
A poem doesn't need to follow one event after another and tell a story, the whole point of it is to hightlight single moments and feelings. Give that a go and I think you'll be a far better poet for it.
As for this one specifically, as I say, I really liked the imagry and the feeling that comes across through it.
In future however, I'd be careful about using capital letters like that. Try using italics instead, you can get them by typing . i . (without the spaces) to start the italics, and . ef . (again, without the spaces) to end them.
| Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
  Completely not what I had expected! I found it sad that someone who had such an intoxicating love would ever try to have sex with a stree-walker. (Although I guess I understand the desire to feel something other than the loss...)

I would love to see this done with line beaks instead of the forward slashes. (I find that it detracts a bit from this really good piece.)

There were a souple places the rhythm was a bit hard for me to hold on to:

"Traffic lights with reds and greens
I pay no mind to these trivial things"

I think I might suggest changing 'trivial' to 'small

"my heart beats slower, it's dam near dead"

Dam should be damn.

Other than those couple suggestions, I can't offer much in the way of advice. These are just suggestions, take what may work for you- toss the rest! The story is good. This piece definately feels like a song.

Thanks for sharing with us!
-Chell-
| Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  I didn't see this as one turning to a street-walker for comfort but just as one riding around in an oblivious state after having lost his love.. and winds up in the seedy part of town.
I really like the first part.. the descriptions of light reflections..
And I think we have all felt this before -> " I try to outrun my heart, but that's too far"
A very good and moving piece. I could feel the emotion.
I agree that breaking up the lines instead of the slashes might help it read better.
Also...I enjoyed reading your journal post.
Take care.
~Sandra
| Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  First of all, i like your pic of the great jack johnson! I really like your work and I ussually read anything that you've written. Just continue to challenge yourself with as many subjects as you can.
| Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Martin S. Allen | [ Reply to This ]
  writing...whatever you want it ot be.
just not the same as everything else
[please]

immediately this reads like a popular pop poppy song.
and i find that very off putting.
you have your chorus, which is shouted out in capital letters and distracting.
you have a random rhyme scheme in your verse, again something i am not sure i understand.
if you are going to do it, do it [though i prefer the parts where you do not] and if not, then good and do not.
then you have the foot tappy tap rhythm, at least that is how it starts. all you need is four chords and a simple drum beat and you are there straight in at the charts.

so this is what i think you could look at should you want.
1/ the rhyme.
it makes your work sound cheesy and contrived. pairings of lines such as:
'With the lights of the city running up the hood of my car,
I try to outrun my heart, but that's too far.'
and
'If I could drive to the moon then catch a comets' tail,
I still would not be far enough from this loves' spell.' [half rhyme] [cliché terminology]
and
'With neon splayed across my windshield like thoughts in my head,
my heart beats slower, it's damn near dead.'
and
'Cruising along the boulevard,
with heart soft and liver hard,'
[a hard liver? that one is beyond me. is it due to alcohol? age? what? so it rhymes with boulevard but it seems irrelevant to your piece and out of place].

2/
you do not need to repeat:
'CLOUDS FOR ME, OH CLOUDS FOR ME,
CRY YOUR TEARS AND MIRROR ME.'
four times over, we really do get the picture and i think this is undermining of your piece and your ability as a writer to say the things you want to say with the confidence that they will reach your reader.
and why capitals?
because you want us to see it? well we can, it has been repeated four times, it is loud and clear.
capitals read like SHOUTING and it does not seem relevant to your piece for it to be shouted. i do not get anger from this piece.

3/you have repeated your description of the lights over the car:
'With the lights of the city running up the hood of my car,'
and
'With neon splayed across my windshield like thoughts in my head,'
and to do this so close together is an oversight.

4/your poem is too colloquial. it reads like someone would say it, in a lazy manner and this does not aid in the description or the story telling.

your ending is appropriate and you convey the sense of loss/moving on well enough, but i think there is plenty that you could work on to give your piece more power and impact and to be taken seriously as a piece of poetry.

take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]

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