Description: This is actually a song. I wrote it after a very tumultous time in my life. I had done some things that I knew wouldn't go over too well with others. What the hell do they know right. Anyway let me know what you think.
'Til All Is Well -------------------------------------------
If you could read my mind
You might understand me sometime
But you don't know what's there
Or why I just sit and stare
With an empty face
I can't erase
What's already in place
Feelings deep within
Rise and fall with no end
Unanswered questions inside
Some things I can't even hide
I'll put my life upon the shelf
Until all is well
It reminded me of Green Day's Wake Me Up When September Ends phase. I don't like Green Day, but that's not to say this isn't a good write. In the secnod stanza you change the pattern...I think it stands out more because of the way you formatted this. Try adding a chorus or something, to make it sound a little more original. Potential, man, potential.
I liked this piece and it reminded me of times when I was lost and manic and just felt unwell but I knew suffer through it, til you say, All is Well. That's actually one of my favorite things to tell myself - Say All is Well to Everything, All is Well! Cause it could be worse! Great! Love,Peace,Joy&Smilez 2 share tif
i really like this piece. the line breaks were better , i think then the last poem.and i can really relate to what i think your saying. but toward the end it felt a little foced but it still came out good.
Hmm... first thought: Its really short for song lyrics.
2nd thought: The 2 lines at the end are really great.
In between the first glance at the poem and the last 2 lines I really had no thoughts on this whatsoever. It seemed kind of bland in a way. Maybe try adding a little more description to take away the choppiness of it. A nice strong rhythm and good flow are definitly good things to have in lyrics.
On the brightside, I really love the "until all is well" idea as well as the putting your life on the shelf to keep it safe. Nice job.