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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Worryingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: manderz_1207
    ASL Info:    15/f/mi
    Elite Ratio:    5.45 - 95/109/38
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 815



    Description:
       I wrote this after I started going out with my ex, one of my friends had liked him at the time too.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWorryingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I don't want to have to wonder,
    am I always on your mind?
    I want to know without a doubt,
    with no sense of question left behind.

    I want to be able to tell myself,
    Yes, I know he's thinking with me on his mind.
    I'm happy now, I've become complete.
    Yet still sad because I see her weep.

    I see the sadness of her eyes,
    it almost makes me want to cry.
    Maybe because I've been there, I've felt her pain.
    i feel so much sad for her with my gain.

    I'm not sure how to make things right,
    I ask them for what they cannot give me, advice.
    Why can't you tell me how to make her bright?
    So that our friendship doesn't become a sacrifice.





    Submitted on 2005-08-10 20:31:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ive been through this to mant times i know how you feel. ive been on both sides where i got the guy and she didnt but she couldnt handle it and we lost our friendship.i was also the one who didnt bet the guy. i don think that this poem was elementary and i liked it. you barly notice the rhyme scheme until you get to the end where you had the line about advice. i had to read that line over cause it didnt realy flow that well but other than that it was realy good.

    ~Gena~
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by luvy | [ Reply to This ]
      The grammar is a bit off but this time you have a poem!*applaud*Its sincere and quite about being a teen though, I am you age, I don't know much about all the teen stuff...hehe...I'm wierd. Its genuinley apologetic and thats a good start. The rhyme scheme is a little confusing also but it has a good basis! Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure how to make things right,
    I ask them for what they cannot give me, advice.
    Why can't you tell me how to make her bright?
    So that our friendship doesn't become a sacrifice

    i really enjoyed this especially the last line.. people become friends for years and then let something like school or a damn girl completly ruin what they have.. it makes their friendship a sacrifice.. im glad you put this into good words, because i surely enjoyed reading them.. good job
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
      Its definitly an elementary poem, but I can remember when my style of writing was the same.
    On the critical side, the rhyming is a bit forced. You want the rhyme to be almost unnoticed so don't try too hard and take away the quality of your message just to make the end of the lines rhyme. Also, work on rhythm a little. It will make your poem flow really nicely when read.

    On the positive side, you've written something we all can relate to... whether we have been in your situation where WE got the guy or in the situation where we did not get the guy and our friend did.

    Basically, look back over it and read it slowly and I think the grammatical mistakes will pretty well pop out to you (I'm sure most were just typos anyhow) And keep writing! :)
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by LadyInRed88 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is, you know, very sweet umm the rhyming seems a bit forced and that kinda throws the piece off course but the message is one we can all relate to, we've been in this situation at one point or another and we've felt the hurt.
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]


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