Life as told -------------------------------------------
I think about you as time goes by
I'm in the corner and I want to cry
I don't understand anything at all
I'm only asking for one phone call
As I sit here by my shelf
standing pictures of myself
A time of laughter and time of fun
The moon descends with no rising sun
Lost in this world of hate and greed
Time goes an opposite of lightning speed
Sounds of voices like thunder in the sky
Constant yearning for life to pass by
moments of deep thoughts and confusion
the world as it appears is all an illusion
anxiety grows like a rising convention
religions promising divine intervention
a loss of words nothing to deliver
my mouth opens but only to quiver
freeing the mind of pain and sorrow
no more life as of tomorrow
this write was very simple minded but also to the point.. to make something extradionary you need to add a little more description.. the emotion were skin deep but the feeling was powerful... you broadcasted your feelings of wanting this girl, wanting a phone call etc... but you need to be a little more describing of your inner thoughts to get the reader thinking inside your mind, or make it even more simple and cut it real short.. my fav line was the religions promising intervention...
Oooh this is such a MOVING piece...it beautifully paints the scene of a SOUL who is longing to have back those wonderful moments that still lives within their minds. Still it doesnt only refer to love, but ones beautiful encounters, maybe childhood...I loved reading this piece...It touched my soul...Hope you find healing when you crafted this piece...I enjoyed the flow of your words...most phenomenal.Be happy!Kind thoughts Nobantu
honestly... i didnt think too much of this i know that sounds harsh and i hardly ever say it like that but yeah... i think you need to drop the rhyme and write your heart... own your words... make them yours...
i say this coz the rhyme makes this all too predictable and i KNEW what you were gonna say next... the thing is... when you are writing about life - life is NOTHING like predictable...
who do you want the phonecall from...? i cant get past that line... its almost like you are in jail and fighting for your right to your phone call...
man... sorry for sounding harsh like but yeah... ditch the rhyming and just write... try not being bound by poetic rules and devices and write your life as told... if you do... let me know... id be interested to check it out...
aw... well, you stirred up a couple of emotions in me buddy... let's get started, shall we?
"A time of laughter and time of fun The moon descends with no rising sun"
makes me think of eternal darkness... without your smile, without your eyes, without your love... aaaah screw it "ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's always gone too long anytime she goes away". basically.
"Time goes an opposite of lightning speed" moving at a snail's pace essentially.
"no more life as of tomorrow" the one line i didn't like cuz honestly, the whole suicide thing... that's what it sounds like and it's just sad and i hate thinking about it. but it's your poem. all in all, i liked it. ...bb...
XoXo ~Tayla~
P.S. i live in MA too, but i live in boston. never been to plymouth.
Submission Name: Life as told
