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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Poetic Minds... Part 1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: solemnpen
    ASL Info:    18
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 303/339/42
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1170
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1060



    Description:
       this is the beginning of a 3 piece little saga.. just some thoughts.. truth about society among other things.. just as usual writing another way... but this is rap without hip/hop to be honest... a little hip hop poetry


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPoetic Minds... Part 1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    aiyo....

    The spotlight shines on
    as the choir sings another chorus
    to this ghetto song
    A Magnifecently worded verse
    Exquiste..without a curse
    A teddybear I'm not..will never be
    After reading my rhymes
    It shouldn't be to hard to believe me
    This pen is my lifeline
    through it my heart beats
    trying not to end up on nightline
    As my hood continues to catch heat
    Lyrical or clinical?
    or maybe a tad bit cynical
    for saying what i do
    Quit studying me, take gasterentology
    I will soar high, astronomically
    The smoke clears and the light fades
    As the world keeps turning
    I keep wearing my shades
    To get outta this gutter, make grades
    You want a nightmare at 15, get laid
    Without an umbrella
    have 5 kids, but name the girl carmella
    society continues to erase
    Poetic minds I continue to chase
    The first chapter is complete...
    you just read the last phase




    Submitted on 2005-08-11 01:18:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love the hiphop flow to this poem. Rap is a form of poetry that you capture so well..it's not even funny. Keep writing cause i love the way you write.
    | Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by Poeticprincess | [ Reply to This ]
      There's not much I can say, but that you are one hell of a writer. Poet, rapper or otherwise, you are definately a writer. I love reading your pieces to get a different view, a real and honest view. I find it hard to believe that you are only 15, you have an amazing grasp on life-with what you've been through I can understand why, but it definately floors me.

    This pen is my lifeline
    through it my heart beats

    I really liked this in this piece and you've said essentially the same thing in some of your other writes, so it shows that it means a lot to you. You keep picking up that pen and using it, I will keep on reading it! Great job again!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it a lot. One said you are not a poet, I disagree. There are many levels of poetry, and I believe that you are a poet. I think that it is really good and yes a rap it is that too. Keep up the great writes, God Bless, Dawn
    | Posted on 2005-09-08 00:00:00 | by Dawnyd | [ Reply to This ]
      nice words used to describe such simple situations.. but the poetic mind is very indepth as well as the performer.. i really enjoyed reading this, and i hope you continue to write the way you do.. nice job
    | Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by daniel05 | [ Reply to This ]
      one of the few hip hop pieces that i truly enjoyed reading.. it showed expression can come with simple words but it can also be mixed with words that really describe and all in all it brings out simplicity but yet something very thoughtful.. a really nice write and i look for the second one
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by daniel05 | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW i enjoyed reading this! and the name carmella...thats what i want to name my girl!...ok i mostly agree with daniel... exprisionf can be described with simple word.. except to big o words i have no idea what they mean... and this is also very thoughtfull...


    The smoke clears and the light fades
    As the world keeps turning
    I keep wearing my shades
    To get outta this gutter, make grades

    this was my most favorite part of this poem..its what most people have to do...and thats what i did...nice write and i can't wait till the next
    KAy
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
      As a whole - great piece, if I had to pick out my favorite lines...
    "This pen is my lifeline
    through it my heart beats
    trying not to end up on nightline
    As my hood continues to catch heat
    Lyrical or clinical?
    or maybe a tad bit cynical
    for saying what i do"
    It's music and truth to my ears and it says a lot for you...
    Nice work, Cabe - again, you never cease to amaze me (are you tired of amazing me yet?)

    Lisa
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice work here. Couple of minor things [think you misspelled 'gasterentology'] easily fixed with a spell check. You've got a good start here. Look forwqrd to parts 2 & 3.

    Peace,

    joey
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting. Got a nice feel to it, overall I like it. I'm wondering how the second and third parts are going to turn out. Its hard writing a saga (so to say) Good luck, and can't wait for the next!
    ~Kat
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      This pen is my lifeline
    through it my heart beats
    trying not to end up on nightline
    As my hood continues to catch heat

    i liked these lines the most. cuz that is how a true MC should feel. his/her pen is their source of income but it's also their "voice". it's how we express ourselves through verse. good job marine. like everone else, i'm ready 4 the next installment of ur saga.
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      You're clever. I like this one. The rhymes come together nicely.

    This is inspiring (no, that's not the word i'm lookin for...) Well, it's in-something or the other
    "This pen is my lifeline
    through it my heart beats"

    This is clever:
    "Lyrical or clinical?
    or maybe a tad bit cynical"

    Both of those extracts will stick with me. Thanks for a good read.
    T
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by treg | [ Reply to This ]
      just check this [censored] out. pretty soon you're gonna have a girlfriend and be moving out, and then you'll have little emcees to mentor yourself. lol. you're grown, i'm diggin that hip hop poetry rep we have goin here. we should do something big with that soon. o wait,.. we kinda already have. o well, we'll collabo more sooner or later. the ending kinda bugged me out, like your first effort was your last phase. paradox!~P
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      as the choir sings another chorus
    to this ghetto song

    ...Any poem that has "ghetto song" in it should not be 1) classified as poetry and 2) called poetic minds. YOU ARE NOT A POET! Stop calling yourself that. You are only making me laugh. Rapper. You are a good rapper, I will say. But you are not a poet.
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by SorrowfulMind | [ Reply to This ]


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