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    dots Submission Name: silent winddots

    Author: mandy dupuis
    Elite Ratio:    3.3 - 109/138/57
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 779
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 478


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    dotssilent winddots

    The house shivers with the slamming of the door
    The tree's fight the rain they so much adore
    A flower crumbles to the floor
    The whisper dances in the wave of the wind
    and the heart ache begins again
    Tomorrow maybe will come
    but the truth it has come undone
    the storm took her away
    along with the rest of the flowers that day
    They rest now on her grave
    she's been buried with the mistakes...

    Submitted on 2005-08-11 06:43:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm left wondering and longing for a bit more here. I'm curious to what the mistakes were, there's so much mystery and so very much left to the imagination. I do love the words that you choose to use in your writing.
    | Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem seemed like a scene from a drama of some sort. It has death and loss written all over it. The recurring theme could improve a little by expanding on what happened. As it is, the reader is somewhat in the dark...
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      It's nice, but the choppy rhyming scheme threw me off, and it seemed a bit forced as thoughyou bent the words to suit what you wanted to write. If somethinng doesn't work, try to find a different way to say it...I notice the first three lines rhyme together, and then the scheme breaks out of that entirely...try to stick to one pattern, or make the flow of it a bit smoother and easier to follow.

    ~Sicobe R. Crow
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a very intense poem and as far as critquing I think the only thing that needs to be changed are some punctuation markings, there should be a few more commas in there than what you have right now. it's kind of all over the place but for the most part its pretty smooth and easy to understand, at least for me. So I love it just read through it and youll be able to tell where you need the commas. Great job!
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by manderz_1207 | [ Reply to This ]
      My favorite part is the second part. The poem itself brings about memories that for some had been forgotten for too long. When I recite it in my head I can see a movie playing...
    I like the choice of words, they connect well, and I like the fact that even though it is said directly there is still some mystery. A good balance.
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by thesinoftaima | [ Reply to This ]

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