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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Through Your Thingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: iShoes
    Elite Ratio:    4.85 - 111/119/16
    Words: 370
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1283
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2435



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThrough Your Thingsdots
    -------------------------------------------





    I love the way
    your hair looks
    so soaking wet
    next to your living room door.

    Itís what many raincoats hang dry for.


    I
    couldnít
    help with your groceries this time.
    My dirty hands
    may never lay again
    on your refrigerator handle
    yet your free
    to leave your prints on my mind
    like
    a
    mischievous
    vandal.

    In return I laid there
    on your couch with my shoes on
    Poured myself
    from one of your foreboding bottles

    a stolen kiss

    from your martini glass,
    and traces left of maroon,
    apologies of which Iíve ingested the past.
    Into your mirror
    I stared At a heart
    distraught and displaced
    When I found my picture
    aside and erased.
    Inside of your bedroom I replaced your
    burned down candles
    And sullied sheets
    acquainting myself
    with all of your fun
    Doing things with else whom
    that we could have done.
    Within my memory is a vacancy
    stuck like a bookmark;
    of the way your body laid there naked in the dark,
    like a beautiful sculpture of precious art.
    Since I straightened out your fluttering turquoise curtains
    blowing in from the bard bird melodies
    that sounded so certain.
    I picked up an emptied expired prescription vial
    a remembrance of all the ways
    small children finished your smile.

    Iíve reached small spaces
    Endured trouble-free trenches
    And now through your everything
    From your underwear drawer
    on out to your tree swing.

    There I remember you saying
    Life is so fascinating.
    Where indeed it may be
    Whence your despondent heart is freed

    Suffice to say we could forecast it
    Nevertheless it could have lasted

    Iíll always run my fingers through your golden tresses
    As long as my heart attains as it wishes
    But thereís no sense in playing a broken 45
    This sing song of monotony has encored to cry
    And there is no use watering a daisy
    That has chosen to die.





    MBE 07-26-05




    Submitted on 2005-08-11 09:34:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The way you twist around sometimes to slyly present your metaphor is cool to me. It is a pleasant surprise. I also liked the maroon apologies you ingested & the small children finishing her smile. I could see the guy ruffling thru panty drawers, seeing a bed astrewn, casually having a drink. But here's the real foreboding subtext I am wondering about...did she kill herself (daisy chosing to die), or was just the relationship dead, or did the guy in the poem bust in when she was showering, kill her, then hang around? I hope that if this poem is about something sensitive & precious to you that I didn't just insult you, but that was what I thought with her wet hair splayed out on the floor by the living room door, & the guy's hands being dirty. It does add an interesting undercurrent to this poem if that is part of it.
    Regardless, this was beautiful, elegant, & perked up my mind.
    Cleo
    | Posted on 2005-09-19 00:00:00 | by CleoCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so well written and so sad and heartbreaking. Your words just scream loudly, yet this is softly spoken at the same time...beautiful indeed! I can picture all of this in my mind as the descriptive qualities of this writing are very good and I can feel the longing in your words for the love that once was, now is gone. This is such a sensitive, loving expression of sadness and loss and the last stanza is so beautifully written and so sincere! I am very impressed with this writing! A warm, soft, caring emotional piece! Awesome! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is such a unique write...I will admit at first I just couldn't get this muse to wrap around my mind but after a few lines in it all became clear.

    My fav lines are
    "Suffice to say we could forecast it
    Nevertheless it could have lasted"

    somehow those two lines have left an imprint on my mind...perhaps because I've been there done that...

    I also just wanted to add that this reminded me of an Alanis song...(the hidden track on Jagged lil Pill) LOOOOVE that song..and LOVE this write...

    Now I must know if your others are as well written as this...

    T
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...Sometimes the human mind can weild such things that other people can't relate. This is one of those instances. Maybe it was what you were going for, but a couple of the lines I couldn't make sense out of...and yet, by the end of "Through Your Things," I had tears in my eyes.
    It's a genuine writer indeed who can portray something that might not be understood, but can be felt. You hit the nail right upon the head, iShoes. Makes me wonder sometimes how something so touching from a stranger can so strangely touch others. If you will excuse me now, I am going off write away to read more from you!
    ~Piggs
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by Trufflepiggy | [ Reply to This ]
      so which moniker is this?
    is this the love and longing poetry one?

    i think you have bitten off a little more than you can chew here, and all in all it reads a little lost to me.

    you have some good lines in here, and you create the mood quite effectively, but there is just so much in here that i think that posting it could be helpful because i think you need to view it from a long way away.

    i think the first problem is that you have written more than you needed to. this piece could have been half as long and more effective in my opinion.
    for example:
    'Iíve reached small spaces
    Endured trouble-free trenches
    And now through your everything
    From your underwear drawer
    on out to your tree swing.

    There I remember you saying
    Life is so fascinating.
    Where indeed it may be
    Whence your despondent heart is freed'
    to me these sections do not really add much. in terms of details and presence and perspective, the previous stanza is far more effective. i think that this piece could be more about the details. instead of recounting events as you see it and then trying to explain them afterwards, i think you should be creating what you want to say within the events that you speak of,
    for example:
    'I picked up an emptied expired prescription vial
    a remembrance of all the ways
    small children finished your smile.'
    this is not natural enough.
    'Since I straightened out your fluttering turquoise curtains
    blowing in from the bard bird melodies
    that sounded so certain.'
    why did you do this? what does it add to what you are describing? what does is signify? sadness? loss? these should be obvious in the way you describe them, they should strive to be more effective like your second stanza:
    'I
    couldnít
    help with your groceries this time.
    My dirty hands
    may never lay again
    on your refrigerator handle
    yet your free
    to leave your prints on my mind
    like
    a
    mischievous
    vandal.'
    which tells us more about how the protagonist is feeling than all of the previous examples i have given, thus rendering the others a little redundant.
    on a side note, i think the way you have dropped the lines is a little over dramatic, and would prefer the more solemn and straight faced way:
    'I couldnít help with your groceries this time.
    My dirty hands
    may never lay again
    on your refrigerator handle
    yet your [should be you are or you're] free
    to leave your prints on my mind
    like a mischievous vandal.'

    your punctuation is very random here. in your largest stanza you have some lines capitalised and some not but no punctuation as such and apparently little consistency. i dont think you have the scope to be abstract or elusive in that area with this particular piece and i think it should be addressed.

    i think that the following lines are very awkward. a whole i think this piece needs to be freed and needs to be able to move a little easier. if you made some of the following lines a little 'easier,' and more gentle to read it may help:
    'apologies of which Iíve ingested the past.'
    it is unclear exactly what you are pertaining to here.
    'Doing things with else whom
    that we could have done.'
    the first line here is very tricky and seems to make no sense, and throws the next one off as a result.
    'like a beautiful sculpture of precious art.'
    you d not need beautiful and precious in the same line here.
    'blowing in from the bard bird melodies
    that sounded so certain.
    I picked up an emptied expired prescription vial'
    the first and third lines are too long winded and too close together in my opinion. you need a range and they eat each other up.
    'From your underwear drawer
    on out to your tree swing.'
    the second line here is awkward and disturbs the whole stanza it sits in.
    'Whence your despondent heart is freed'
    whence is a word from the third century and is so out of place here in my opinion.
    'Iíll always run my fingers through your golden tresses
    As long as my heart attains as it wishes'
    this unintentional nearly-rhyme is off putting.

    i dont think that you should use two clichťs so close together in the last stanza:

    'Iíll always run my fingers through your golden tresses
    As long as my heart attains as it wishes
    But thereís no sense in playing a broken 45
    This sing song of monotony has encored to cry
    And there is no use watering a daisy
    That has chosen to die.'
    i think you can get away with one if it really relates to what you want to say, but not two, that is trite.
    to me this last stanza is a little redundant. it is saying what we should really know by now and in a way that is a little cheesy with the clichťs. again i think if you could have encapsulated in an event the feeling of loss and there being no use in going back then that would have been far more effective than making it almost like a gospel reading.

    i do think that the following is very good up until that point:
    'I love the way
    your hair looks
    so soaking wet
    next to your living room door.

    Itís what many raincoats hang dry for.


    I
    couldnít
    help with your groceries this time.
    My dirty hands
    may never lay again
    on your refrigerator handle
    yet your free
    to leave your prints on my mind'

    and i think your line break of 'a stolen kiss,' is also very effective.

    to me this is just trying too hard to say as opposed to just being.

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]


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