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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Falling Furtherdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: manderz_1207
    ASL Info:    15/f/mi
    Elite Ratio:    5.45 - 95/109/38
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 699
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 598



    Description:
       One of my older poems but I think it's pretty good. A little on the suicide thinking side but a decent poem. Let me know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFalling Furtherdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Please don't watch me as I let these bloodshed tears fall down my face.
    As I try to let go of the unmerciful life I've led.
    With the connection let go, there's nothing to hold.
    As I begin to feel myself fall I start to see my past, my future, my all.
    I can't believe I'm doing this, please tell them, tell them all.
    Let them know the truth about me, about who I really am.
    Let them know that the smiles only came when they were around.
    My glory is gone and I must leave you all.
    So I say my good-byes and away I fall




    Submitted on 2005-08-11 12:41:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this poem reminds of the one that i wrote and you commented on you know death but i liked this one better than my own.you realy must have gone through some rough times then. i hope that things have gotten better for you.this peice had a realy nice flow and though it was a bit depressing i liked it. it showed how you were feeling without over or under doing it. you were feeling depressed and you told us this but you didnt make it overly morbid ive seen this alot. good job i realy like your writting style.

    ~Gena~
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by luvy | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a lil suicidy like you said but i do think it is a good poem and i liked the words you used to portray your feelings...one comment about the organization though it was a little comfusing maybe changing the spacing a bit would make it an easier read b/c i was getting a little lost in it...so thank you and blessings-martinimadelvr
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ]
      Oooh this is a moving piece. Just made me contemplate about a soul who has had their final straw with life...Its like you are on the verge of doing something really fatal...Something beyond suicide...Its just so really unfortunate, but some never get the opportunity to even bid their loved ones fairwell...This piece touched me immensely...Hope you found HEALING when you wrote this...cause so many of us are entangled in the web of depression, but when you have people around you who care...That would sustain you through challenging times...Be HAPPY...Nobantu
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
      Whats good its tha kidd No Talent , Well I enjoyed this piece a lot good topic with an original approach to it. No real errors and all and all a Great Read I enjoyed every line . By the way You Might want to Check out some of my work next time around if you have some time to spare. But Great Read Keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by No Talent | [ Reply to This ]
      now this is a stark contrast to what i read before but it too is very good.
    v1 the bloodshed tears that is a graphic horror filled way to express something i can only imagine what that means ill go for extreme sadness/despair which i feel reading it too a mood sinker.
    v2 "As I try to let of the unmerciful life I've led."
    i kinda think of (and i dont know why) "shuffle the mortal coil" i sense frustration and again intense sadness
    v3 the nothing left to hold i see as nothing to hold on to one and the same i suppose. this marks the beginning of the a mindset im familiar with, that there is nothing from this world that one has to hold on to/nothing to offer. it its the suicidal persons warning flag of lost hope in things and people.
    v4 reflect on the past and fearing the future sounds very accuate to the goings on inside the mind.
    v5 i think this line is a little personal about telling them all.
    v6 ahh "who i really am" sounds like a social mask that the person in this write seems to want to shed.
    v7 more on that mask the smiles only for those who are around masking the inner feelings this is very sad to read. i do have those masks too. i usually say im ok when im not. it has become common place in the social world to make it seem like everything is swell.
    v8 my glory is gone and saying goodbye is so heartwrenching and i feel bad reading that.
    v9 saying goodbyes again and falling. falling is mentioned twice and no wonder cause my moods have been falling too, reading this, ending up depressed at the end of the write.

    possible correction line 4 between feel and fall maybe an "A" or "myself falling"

    very nicely written and mood altering, now i need a happy poem.
    mike
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very depressing piece, but you did a great job in writing this. These feelings are really crappy and I hope you don't feel this way, but it makes the reader want to reach out and give you a hug!
    Very good poem, despite the yucky reality of the subject matter!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-08-24 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]


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