Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Friday Night Gamedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: solemnpen
    ASL Info:    18
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 303/339/42
    Words: 220
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 790
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1205



    Description:
       this is one of my favs... i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFriday Night Gamedots
    -------------------------------------------


    im sitting in my locker room today
    trying to keep the tears back
    trying to be tough in every single way
    fore ive heard news that brung me to my knees
    news thats going take away years of sleep
    on the way to my last senior football game
    my angel was killed and as she died
    all she did was say my name
    teamates are saying you dont have to go on
    im screaming im ok im gonna move on
    its the feeling of adrenaline i feel under those lights
    that is gonna keep me from
    thinking of those cold and romantic nights
    that we spent hours together
    thinking our love would be beat all weather
    but the rain got the best of us i cant deny
    so ill keep her memory with me
    on this very night
    for the game was to be won for her
    so its now going to be played
    dedicated to her name
    for it was the love of the game
    that brought her to me
    so we could be happy when it was
    sadness that we seen
    so ill take the ball in hand hold my chin high
    and give tears, blood, and sweat
    for my fallen angel
    on this chilly friday game night




    Submitted on 2005-08-11 13:11:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      That's a true story?! Thats a sad story! All this serious stuff, man, I'm about to go write a deperssing poem. But I'll refrain. Your right this is a good one. To lose someoneso special to you is hard, one of the hardest things you have to go through. He must be strong, to be able to pull through that, and loved her so much to do that. I hope it all turns out for the best.
    ~Kat
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      very passionate and moving. its hard to loose someone that we love. all we have left are precious memories and we hold on to hard trying to keep them alive. i completely understand your grief.
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm, Nice way of expressing determination and "show must go on" attitudes, as well as a benediction to the "fallen angel."

    It's a very heart-rendering tale, well told, although the one-line format with no punctuation and no breaks didn't help, just left me feeling a bit breathless.

    Nicely done, though, you certainly got all the emotion in there.

    Be Happy

    Graeme

    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      i can relate somewhat. i used 2 play football and can remember the adrenaline rush and the excitement before the game. the only difference is i never played 2 dedicate the game 4 anyone. my angel is still with me. good write cade.
    "troy"
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      This had a sad/sweet mix to it. Kinda made me envision it taking place in the 50's or so...

    I did however think that it needs some revising.
    Your first line says today...yet the poem reads as though this game will be taking place at night...perhaps...
    "I'm sitting in the locker room tonight
    trying to be tough while keeping the tears out of sight."


    I also thought the word "fore" a bit out of place only because it seems so much more formal then the rest of this write...I think "brung" should be changed to brought.

    sorry I'm not attempting to pick this apart, it's just like I said if this is a certain piece you are most proud of...it should shine like the gold it was written as...
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    70157

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry