Description: this was written after I myself found a little music box in my great grandmothers house...it was little ceramic bears in dancers outfits, and my mother said it probably didn't work anymore. I found the key, still in its place on the underside and pushed it into the hole. Turned it around a few times and pulled back and voila!! It started playing a nursery song, i can't recall which one it is now, but i was kind of awestruck to see these bears, that had been still and unmoving for about ten years just tug free of the cobwebs that were holding them in place...they were spinning and dancing like they'd never missed a day, and I was inspired by it to write...I'm glad I went to my Great grams old house that day...
The Attic -------------------------------------------
Tiptoe to the attic
with tiny creaking steps
ascent swiftly the dusted stairs
into the land of myth.
Soft inches of grey snow
settle upon each surface
with a grace betraying the grime
that covers gently every memory.
With a soft light hand
and wonderous, open eyes
the dusted cover is brushed away
into the realm of time.
revealing pretty dancing bears
stilled for a decade past
until gently a golden key is turned
with facination she stares
Twirling! Leaping! With beautiful grace
the bears begin to spin
tearing free of cob-web chains
finally free, to dance again.
Just goes to sow ya we never know what we might find in the attic don't it? Very nicely written piece and done with grace and style. I enjoyed reading about your discovery and thank you for sharing it. !Doc`
i enoyed this little trip into the attic. i am fascinated by such things, old and dusty memories just waiting for someone to find them again. this flowed so well and i could picture you tip-toeing up the stairs into the dust-laden attic. very nice and visual piece. thanks for sharing. @ Cat
that is such a beautiful poem for a beautiful memory. it almost reminds me of an unclaimed classical story. its not what i thought the poem would be like thats for sure...it was light and evenly flowing. geat poem, xoxoxomuchlove-ash
That was beautiful in its innocence. I almost like being that little kid and jumping around the room for joy because I found my newest joy. It just brought back so much, of times when things didn't make your head hurt. Of times where I was wise enough for all of this. It really evoked an amazing image within me. Thank you.
great job crowhawk. i loved the end of the piece best, lots of flair. such a classic inspiration this is, almost story bookish. very pretty diction you used, kind of down home georgia- mr Q approves greatly. well done here, very good write. -Q
Very nice piece. Even though it is about a true event you made it kind of a fantasy poem. I Know you probly went to your grams's house and found it when you were around the same age as you are now but the way you wrote it I could picture a little girl about the age of 5 or 6 with big eyes waiting for great adventures. This was a great little poem. Great job!
ooooo...how cool. The cobweb thing was brilliant. Dang, the whole thing was. Isnt it great to get inspired that way? Grandmas attics are a place of mysteries and myths arent they. A nice way to start the day reading this. Have a good one and keep smilin'
P.S. Know why you never see dead crows on the side of the road?
You are a terrific writer! I don't believe that I've read anything of yours before. I guess it's time to start! This painted a very real very clear picture for me. I loved the way you created the scene of the bears dancing and breaking free from the chains that had them bound for years. This was an incredible write and made me think of all the little treasures I remember finding in my great grandmother's house! Thanks for sharing! Candi
This is a great poem! How very lovely indeed! I can hear those creeky steps as you tiptoe up to the attic. Reminds me of my grandparents house and their attic. They kept everything up there and you just never knew what you would find. But this darling little music box just sounds enchanting and you have captured it beautifully within these words! Nice poem! Take care!
This was written beautifully! Your description, your flow, everything was perfect. And such a sweet idea. I felt as if the poem started out as a whisper and quietly got louder til it was full of joy at the end. That is what I got out of the poem. I was touched by your lovely words and sweet idea. Nice to share this with you Laura-Grace
Great use of imagry and metaphors Hmm.. I have to say I did enjoy this poem I really felt where you were coming from And it all kinda unraveled itself to me like a story it was a good read no real errors any where and I completely understood the situation.By the way I'm No Talent check out some of my work sometime
First off, I wanted to tell you that I really liked this poem! I know I'm suppose to critique rather then just make closed ended statements, but I had to say it :)
Tiptoe to the attic with tiny creaking steps ascent swiftly the dusted stairs into the land of myth.
This first stanza put me in a time machine and wisked me away to my grandparent's house when they were still alive. Nice! I would like to make this suggestion (toss or keep - your call!) "swiftly ascend the dusty stairs"
Soft inches of grey snow settle upon each surface with a grace betraying the grime that covers gently every memory.
Again, I like this stanza - it makes you think of a dusty old attic. I would only suggest this change..."that gently covers each memory" - it's a syllable less, so it might not work. "every" seemed like it was not descriptive enough when used with "memory", whereas I felt "each" made "memory" stand out a little more. But what do I know - you're the artist here :)
With a soft light hand and wonderous, open eyes the dusted cover is brushed away into the realm of time.
Bravo - I wouldn't change a thing. It skips along nicely. I can almost see your eyes getting bigger as they see something that catches your attention.
revealing pretty dancing bears stilled for a decade past until gently a golden key is turned with facination she stares
Hmmm - the first two lines are right on the mark. I can see the object as if it were right in front of me. My only thought is a slight alteration of the last two lines - same thoughts, just a different direction in words (again syllables my be what you need here - I'm not sure). she gently turns a golden key and stares with fascination
Twirling! Leaping! With beautiful grace the bears begin to spin tearing free of cob-web chains finally free, to dance again.
I really enjoy the last stanza - it's all there! The vision - "spin" and "again" moderately rhyme, but it works nicely. I guess what threw me a little was the use of "free" in both lines. How about (for the 2nd to last line)? tearing loose of cob-web chains
Another good write - full of imagery, lights, and memories. Very cool! Ciao, Kelly