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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Atticdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crow
    ASL Info:    24/f/Georgia
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 410/475/72
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1311
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 731



    Description:
       this was written after I myself found a little music box in my great grandmothers house...it was little ceramic bears in dancers outfits, and my mother said it probably didn't work anymore. I found the key, still in its place on the underside and pushed it into the hole. Turned it around a few times and pulled back and voila!! It started playing a nursery song, i can't recall which one it is now, but i was kind of awestruck to see these bears, that had been still and unmoving for about ten years just tug free of the cobwebs that were holding them in place...they were spinning and dancing like they'd never missed a day, and I was inspired by it to write...I'm glad I went to my Great grams old house that day...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Atticdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tiptoe to the attic
    with tiny creaking steps
    ascent swiftly the dusted stairs
    into the land of myth.

    Soft inches of grey snow
    settle upon each surface
    with a grace betraying the grime
    that covers gently every memory.

    With a soft light hand
    and wonderous, open eyes
    the dusted cover is brushed away
    into the realm of time.

    revealing pretty dancing bears
    stilled for a decade past
    until gently a golden key is turned
    with facination she stares

    Twirling! Leaping! With beautiful grace
    the bears begin to spin
    tearing free of cob-web chains
    finally free, to dance again.




    Submitted on 2005-08-12 07:11:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Just goes to sow ya we never know what we might find in the attic don't it? Very nicely written piece and done with grace and style.
    I enjoyed reading about your discovery and thank you for sharing it.
    !Doc`
    | Posted on 2005-08-28 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty cool. I like anything with an exclamation mark. It sounded like music, which is also inherently cool. It's very hard to do that. Keep on doing it though. Somebody has to.
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by Aaron Felix | [ Reply to This ]
      i enoyed this little trip into the attic. i am fascinated by such things, old and dusty memories just waiting for someone to find them again. this flowed so well and i could picture you tip-toeing up the stairs into the dust-laden attic. very nice and visual piece. thanks for sharing.
    @ Cat
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      that is such a beautiful poem for a beautiful memory. it almost reminds me of an unclaimed classical story. its not what i thought the poem would be like thats for sure...it was light and evenly flowing.
    geat poem,
    xoxoxomuchlove-ash
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by DanceADream | [ Reply to This ]
      That was beautiful in its innocence. I almost like being that little kid and jumping around the room for joy because I found my newest joy. It just brought back so much, of times when things didn't make your head hurt. Of times where I was wise enough for all of this. It really evoked an amazing image within me. Thank you.
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by vbnz | [ Reply to This ]
      Cool piece! You really put the reader in the moment and into her mind. Nice job. Suggestions are really not major, feel free to use ‘em or lose ‘em. Nice work here!

    Tiptoe to the attic
    with tiny creaking steps
    swiftly ascenD dusted stairs
    into the land of myth.

    Soft inches of grey snow
    settleD upon each surface
    with a grace betraying the grime
    that covers gently every memory.

    With a soft light hand
    and wonderous, open eyes
    dust is brushED away
    into the realm of time.

    revealing pretty dancing bears
    stilled for decadeS past
    until gently THE golden key is turned
    with facination she stares

    Twirling! Leaping! With beautiful grace
    the bears begin to spin
    tearing free of cob-web chains
    finally free, to dance again.
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      great job crowhawk. i loved the end of the piece best, lots of flair. such a classic inspiration this is, almost story bookish. very pretty diction you used, kind of down home georgia- mr Q approves greatly. well done here, very good write.
    -Q
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by TechnoticQ | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice piece. Even though it is about a true event you made it kind of a fantasy poem. I Know you probly went to your grams's house and found it when you were around the same age as you are now but the way you wrote it I could picture a little girl about the age of 5 or 6 with big eyes waiting for great adventures. This was a great little poem. Great job!

    - -Caitlin (Oli)
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by Oli | [ Reply to This ]
      ooooo...how cool. The cobweb thing was brilliant. Dang, the whole thing was. Isnt it great to get inspired that way? Grandmas attics are a place of mysteries and myths arent they. A nice way to start the day reading this. Have a good one and keep smilin'

    P.S. Know why you never see dead crows on the side of the road?
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with the others this did paint a lovely picture of a dust being blowed off memories.

    I did stumble a bit on the read...I just couldn't grasp your flow...but even with that...I still thought this was a good write...just for the nostalgia it envokes.
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      You are a terrific writer! I don't believe that I've read anything of yours before. I guess it's time to start!
    This painted a very real very clear picture for me. I loved the way you created the scene of the bears dancing and breaking free from the chains that had them bound for years. This was an incredible write and made me think of all the little treasures I remember finding in my great grandmother's house! Thanks for sharing!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great poem! How very lovely indeed! I can hear those creeky steps as you tiptoe up to the attic. Reminds me of my grandparents house and their attic. They kept everything up there and you just never knew what you would find. But this darling little music box just sounds enchanting and you have captured it beautifully within these words! Nice poem! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Everything about this is gorgeous! I love every word. It kind of reminded me of a story. I almost felt like I was actually there. The descriptions are perfect. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written beautifully! Your description, your flow, everything was perfect. And such a sweet idea. I felt as if the poem started out as a whisper and quietly got louder til it was full of joy at the end. That is what I got out of the poem. I was touched by your lovely words and sweet idea. Nice to share this with you
    Laura-Grace
    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]
      Great use of imagry and metaphors Hmm.. I have to say I did enjoy this poem I really felt where you were coming from
    And it all kinda unraveled itself to me like a story it was a good read no real errors any where and I completely understood the situation.By the way I'm No Talent check out some of my work sometime
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by No Talent | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, I wanted to tell you that I really liked this poem! I know I'm suppose to critique rather then just make closed ended statements, but I had to say it :)

    Onto critiquing...

    Tiptoe to the attic
    with tiny creaking steps
    ascent swiftly the dusted stairs
    into the land of myth.

    This first stanza put me in a time machine and wisked me away to my grandparent's house when they were still alive. Nice! I would like to make this suggestion (toss or keep - your call!)
    "swiftly ascend the dusty stairs"

    Soft inches of grey snow
    settle upon each surface
    with a grace betraying the grime
    that covers gently every memory.

    Again, I like this stanza - it makes you think of a dusty old attic. I would only suggest this change..."that gently covers each memory" - it's a syllable less, so it might not work. "every" seemed like it was not descriptive enough when used with "memory", whereas I felt "each" made "memory" stand out a little more. But what do I know - you're the artist here :)

    With a soft light hand
    and wonderous, open eyes
    the dusted cover is brushed away
    into the realm of time.

    Bravo - I wouldn't change a thing. It skips along nicely. I can almost see your eyes getting bigger as they see something that catches your attention.

    revealing pretty dancing bears
    stilled for a decade past
    until gently a golden key is turned
    with facination she stares

    Hmmm - the first two lines are right on the mark. I can see the object as if it were right in front of me. My only thought is a slight alteration of the last two lines - same thoughts, just a different direction in words (again syllables my be what you need here - I'm not sure).
    she gently turns a golden key
    and stares with fascination

    Twirling! Leaping! With beautiful grace
    the bears begin to spin
    tearing free of cob-web chains
    finally free, to dance again.

    I really enjoy the last stanza - it's all there! The vision - "spin" and "again" moderately rhyme, but it works nicely. I guess what threw me a little was the use of "free" in both lines.
    How about (for the 2nd to last line)?
    tearing loose of cob-web chains

    Another good write - full of imagery, lights, and memories. Very cool!
    Ciao, Kelly
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]


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