Sometimes

Author: Syrinx ASL Info:    16/F/US Elite Ratio:    6.16 - 35 /30 /12 Words: 60

Class/Type: Poetry /Alone Total Views: 1007 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 397

Description:

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Sometimes

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Sometimes when Loneliness is done prying through gaps in layered clothing As a sharp subtle breath of winter wind And staring out from the faces of distracted crowds For the day Loneliness will shirk its stoic distance And come down out of the starry winter sky To sit quietly beside me And we are both alone together

Submitted on 2005-08-12 12:51:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

You sure you're 15? This piece was well written and well thought out ... a great idea, well executed. Are you sick of me complementing you yet? Jessica

| Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]

i liked it but it made me sad because everyone seems to get so lonely and it seems like if we are all lonely why dont we get together? i mean, half the people i know are like..terminally lonely. they get new friends, new dates, etc.. but then they spend one evening alone and theyre miserable and theyre off on a rant about how lonely they are.. and it seems like its so easy to be lonely surrounded by people. a world of billions and we're all alone!! argh. its aggravating.

| Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]

No offense but maybe you should've put more thought into this piece. It has potential but seems a bit confusing for right now. Who's doing the worrying? Is it loneliness or you? I'm sorry if I'm the one confusing you, but I don't know how to describe it. Just look it over, think on the message you're trying to send, and think on the best way that you can send it. Anyway, welcome to Eliteskills, and don't give up!

| Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by Victoria | [ Reply to This ]

This is pretty good! The ending is definitely the best. I would say the last 5 lines are really good! I like the thought of the lonliness coming down out of the starry sky and sitting beside you. I thought that was a cool way of puting it! The beginning is a bit confusing and doesn't make sense to me. I think this has great potential with a few changes but hang on to the ending cause that is really good! Take care! Lorna

| Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]

It reads like a skeleton of a poem, you have the ideas and a rough structure but it needs to be fleshed out, the whole flow improved and the imagery honed. For example I find it hard to associate a starry sky with loneliness, it's too full and bright. I think the ending is also quite weak, the oxymoron of "alone together" is quite a clichéd phrase and using at the very ending leaves me feeling let down after the more inventive imagery of the first half. It's certainly got potential though.

| Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]

So as I read this, I wasn't really into it, it didn't really draw me in...but as I got closer to the end, it grabbed my attention..The ending was brilliant...last verse is never unforgettable...I think you should maybe lengthen this piece- just add more, I dunno, something to grab the reader at the first word or verse and keep them there 'til the end... But I will say that I did like this poem, it was really good...nice job and welcome to ES! take care -stacey-

| Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]

i actually write pieces like this myself. not all of them but a few. these are the types that lock me in tune. keep me focused. because the way they are written and the way they flow not many people appreciate them. but i do. "when Loneliness is done prying through gaps in layered clothing As a sharp subtle breath of winter wind" I love those lines... boy do they send chills up my spine. ok a few things i would like to add/change. you do not have to use my suggestions. just giving adivce. words in () were either changed or added. Sometimes (after) Loneliness is done prying through gaps in layered clothing As a sharp subtle breath of winter wind staring out from the faces of distracted crowds For the day Loneliness will shirk its stoic distance will (fall) out of the starry winter sky To sit quietly beside me we are both alone together i took out the [and]'s because they took away from the depth. but over all i loved this piece. take care Jesi~

| Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]

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