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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Pretty, Porcelain Eggdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LoneWolf
    ASL Info:    16/F/Earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 136/108/19
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1406
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 959



    Description:
       I DONT' KNOW HOW TO SPELL PORCELAIN! so i hope i spelled it right!!!!!

    this is abotu something that happened to me and i made me an egg! origionally i said i was liek a clam that got smashed so the crane and eat the insides (yummy when steamed with eggs) but i decided a pretty, porcelain egg was better!!!

    i was tryign a new kind of poetry so maybe it's not as good as it could have been and maybe too much repeats?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Pretty, Porcelain Eggdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A pretty, porcelain egg
    Sits in a glass case
    Dark secrets inside
    Painted designs on the face

    A foolish man
    Wants to learn the secret
    Opens the glass case
    Takes the egg and keeps it

    A pretty, porcelain egg
    Taken from her seat
    Holds on to her secret
    She will not be beat

    A stupid man
    Asks the egg to open
    Reveal everything
    Or she will be broken

    A pretty, porcelain egg
    Locked shut for good
    Tries to escape
    If only she could

    A desperate man
    Smashes the egg in
    Pieces are flying
    He sees what's within

    A broken, porcelain egg
    No one cares how she feels
    Comes back as stone
    Renforced with steel

    A cold, stone egg
    Never to be moved from her place
    Now an evil, steel egg
    An egg named Grace




    Submitted on 2005-08-12 21:40:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      THis was really good...the flow was amazing except that it got a little off but that's not that much of a problem. I really loved this one...the metaphor was intresting and unique. I can't think of anything to give critism for here. I just really like how this went at a steady pace almost as a story and kept the readers attention. I'm saying this is a favorites add.
    Thanks for posting it. keep writing.
    peace
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oo I loved this, it was very beautiful. I liked how you used the egg (unigue joice, i like :) to represent you. The flow was very good too, except at the end, you lost me a little there, but only a little. Nothing some time and good thinking shan't fix...

    Fantastic job dear.

    -Miss M.
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      This write you totally took your reader for a trip into your life
    I did not know you were referring to your own life until the very last line
    After seeing that line I want back and reread it and you described your pain perfectly
    A very Good Write

    By the way the poem cardboard memories was issued as a challenge by another poet named sierramuse8
    It is about sportcards and the memories they contain

    The names were of some baseball players i admire

    Im glad you liked it thou
    Have A Blessed day
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      i can totally relate to this poem, i love the metaphor about how a girl is a fragile egg. and how the man holds a dark secret. Very good poem. Is the man desperate or could he be despondent or deceptive or malicious- why is he desperate, if i have the meaning of this right, the man is cunning and malicious and every other word used to describe the type of person he is-if anything the egg is desparate for escape. anyway, it is a good poem, tweek the words a little and it could be a little more clear.
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by ptagirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Porcelain
    She will nto be beat... nto? not?
    Taked the egg and keeps it ... took?

    I enjoyed this very much. I think it is a wonderful metaphor. It flows well and the meaning is clear.

    I think you may want to keep your metaphor consistent in the last verse

    Maybe:
    A cold, metal egg
    Never to be moved from her place
    Now an evil, steel egg
    An egg named Grace
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]


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