Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Darkest Partsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brokensmile
    Elite Ratio:    3.1 - 241/326/148
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 662
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1698



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Darkest Partsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    faceless jackets
    cut him open
    scapels traced
    vein after vein
    seeping
    in the dark
    red splendor
    of a secret
    pain
    that no one
    but the boy
    could indulge in.

    dark brown hair
    matted around
    darker blue eyes
    face contorted with
    a dark pain
    muscles contracting
    in a dull throb
    mind crushing
    agony ripping
    through and apart
    a darker mind
    contrasting the white jackets
    who try to rid him
    of a dark and dangerous
    disease.

    It was the needles
    that gave birth to it
    forcefully biting
    through his blood stream
    injecting toxin after insanity
    fluids bursting brightly
    from his blood brother's arms
    repeatedly lighting
    the darkest parts
    of a stained midnight sky.

    cutting edged it
    angering
    what was left of him
    a dirt filled pureness
    he wanted to revive
    not the life he had
    those were the things
    he was killing from
    remembering the past
    like walking into suicide.

    He would die
    under sheets that scratched
    open a discomfort
    it had attached itself to him
    ever since he could breathe
    he would die
    while the people who never cared
    sit stagnantlyby his bedside
    he would die
    with only memories
    of the house that was never his
    with the drugs that never helped
    with the nights he poisoned away
    he would did
    with the darkest parts.






    Submitted on 2005-08-13 00:28:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      an ode to teen self loathing, you have a storyline style here, written in poetry mind you, This is not a bad thing because it gives the reader something to connect with, I take from the first read that the subject is tormented by his obvious self loathing and is lost in a sea of confusion as to why his life is so terrrible, Emotions run high when testosterone is at such a high quantity in the male body, The read was smooth but I do not think the entire write has the crushing effect of the first stanza, Now do not misunderstand that comment, THe whole poem is intriguingbut thr first stanza could be almost shocking if it stood alone. Peace this was pretty refreshing
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by brokenbatman | [ Reply to This ]
      i like how u have used the third person to write this its a good change to ppl writing inthe first person but this kind of drags on maybe its agood thing 4 some ppl but i prefer short deep
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by Red Liquid | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    70379

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry