Defeat, not yours by TD

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Submission Name: Defeat, not yours dots

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Author:	TD
ASL Info:	29/f/Aust
Elite Ratio:	8 - 92/81/21
Words:	188

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	181
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1224

Description:
I wrote this tonight for a friend. We are team-mates in a sport called netball (only played in a handful of countries including Oz). Anyway, needless to say we suffered a loss today - a quite important game, and a bad loss.
My friend is an awesome player, but carried the defeat on her shoulders - though she should not have (because other than being a team sport, she was an outstanding example in some very difficult plays and calls).
So, it's a bit personal, but I think it is something we can all relate to from time to time. :) And for those of you who are thinking, "But it's just a game!"; the effort and work our team puts in is enormous and consumes a large part of our lives (a few of us probably shed a tear or two at home after the game).

Defeat, not yours dots

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The double whistle sung the end,
A title we could not defend;
Mates and team offered wilted praise,
And a fading cheer, meekly raised.

Those eyes of yours sought an escape
From failures of inflated shape,
The curtain drawn obscures sight
To underline dashed dreams of flight.

Splintered spirit; it cries alone,
For tears of glory turned to stone,
And though time dims remembered grief
Time too becomes of gnashing teeth.

All around you the world spins on
The absent cheer, a memory gone;
While silence screams when silence reigns
A flash of sight and sweat and game:

But oh, if you had seen yourself!
Lithe and fight and heart your wealth,
You beat them back time after time,
And on the court your spirit shined.

So hear, before it takes away
The glow I see when you play,
And raise your head to face the light;
Can't you see, the spark you ignite?

It is you we raise shoulder high
And turn to when against the tide.
And on your head for all to see:
A crown of gold worn honourably.

Submitted on 2005-08-13 13:32:00 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  TD [Defeat, not yours]
Touch Down! (Tweet - penalty – play nullified, no points awarded!)

A beautiful tribute – an honor to receive; a joy to give. The rhyme sets the rhythm, it works well for the purpose and adds momentum. Great sketch for a screen play – marvelous job, inspired. I'm been there – a hate failure. You can't always win, but to feel you were negligent is a burden. To know you've done your very best, even though you don't succeed is better. Your job is to get your compadre to accept this, likely she exceeded herself and put that above the final result.

Suggestions:
1.S2L1 substitute 'sought' for 'seek'
2.S2L3 substitute 'The' for 'And'
3.S3L1 substitute 'a semi-colon' for 'the first comma' in, “Splintered spirit;it cries alone,”
4.S3L4 there's a problem with the verb I think – it behooves me to suggest an alternative as the intent escapes me. “It too becomes of gnashing teeth.” “It” refers to the subject “time” - “Time too becomes of gnashing teeth”?? Or did you mean “Grief too becomes of gnashing teeth.” . . . “is a product of”?!?!

Thanx, C.U. encore

uncreaTED (Mu-Wi)
| Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by uncreaTED | [ Reply to This ]
  Meloncholy. I close my eyes and see so far. The struggle you've grown to love. It is love at first site. The game that is- it leaves me full of hope. I pray for your friend- God will find her pain and rid it soon. I pray for you and your team. Good Luck next season! ;)
| Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by ccbbyblue | [ Reply to This ]
  It's nice when you can accept defeat and still hold up your pride and your teammates. It shows that for you, it's not all about winning or losing, but the sheer love of the game. Your poem says all of that so nicely, and is a real tribute to your friend. You still think the world of him/her and still believe in your team and the game, and hold your friend high on your shoulders and give him praise, not because your team won (it didn't) but because he gave his very best while playing. And that is the best that any one can do in any instance or event in life. I like this, it's uplifting and positive somehow. cher
| Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by Inducted_Kitty | [ Reply to This ]
  Hm. Th@ was rlly good. I didn't think some1 would write about netball, or any sport 4 th@ matter & b so good. i found the smallest stupid little things th@ interupted ur flow. just like, in the 1st stanza 4 example:

The double whistle sung the end,
A title we could not defend;
Mates and team offered wilted praise,
And a fading cheer, meekly raised.

I think it might b better converted 2 this :

The double whistle sung the end,
A title we could not defend,
The team offered a wilted praise,
A fading cheer, meekly raised.

See what I mean. the smallest little things will mess w/ ur flow. work on it. u do have a good peice, but it still needs some editing Ttyl Ciao 4 now
| Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ]
  TD,

It's a painful thing playing your guts out, having an outstanding game yet being a member or a leader of a losing team. This is truly the double edge of team sports and not just sports, any collaborative effort, but mainly just those engaged in fierce competition. You look deep inside yourself for that little bit more you could have given, even though you have given it all.

There are many stereotypes that team sports seem to emphasise in us. The heroine you have captured for me exudes that undying grit on the court, a leader by example, someone tough and inspirational yet infinitely demanding of herself. To me she seems the heart of the team, the one who pumps for all but also feels for all.

S5 is my favourite, it is really where you have captured your heroine and done her the justice she deserves. We are lucky to play in a team if it is with a person of such character.

Also : "Splintered spirit, it cries alone," is a fav line of mine. You really highlight the irony of team sport, victories are shared but loses are often solitary journeys. But they need not be, as your poem tries to say, do not be alone, unless you are alone above our shoulders.

I wonder if you will share the poem with your friend one day?

Team sports bring out strange emotions in us, I was upset once after my soccer team won the grand final for the first time. I had played every game all year, but when the finals i was the only one that didn't have a run. I really didn't feel like part of the team.

Your poem beautifully and tenderly takes us through the highs and lows of the adventure of the team, and the love and the emotion that it fosters. Bravo.

Abzy
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]

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