Fallen by AngelOutlaw

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Submission Name: Fallen dots

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Author:	AngelOutlaw
ASL Info:	19/female/WA
Elite Ratio:	4.37 - 672/392/64
Words:	66

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	333
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	552

Description:
Thoughts. In a depressed slumped right now. I want to add to it. Let me know what you think.

Fallen

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Halo tarnished, wings torn,
Falling from the sky.
Song forgotten, smile gone,
Pain behind blue eyes.

Aura shattered, glow dimmed,
Sifting through the lies.
Spirit murdered, heart sore,
Refuses still to cry.

Feeling guilty, tears fall,
Dare to share the blame.
Wand'ring alone, solo,
Together though they came.

Beauty defiled, grace killed,
Angel's essence slain.
Body empty, soul black.
Quintessence all in flame.

Submitted on 2005-08-14 19:30:03 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Felt a tear for you in this one. I loved the way this came from your heart and had such feeling!
Great write!
Kelley Frost
| Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  i loved the write. the flow was great. the words went together beautifully and it was an overall great write. this is going right to my favs. great write

-brandon
| Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by Leon Kennedy | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought it was great how it was. the fact that it's a short piece leaves room for more interperetation. I have felt like this many times, but remember, no matter how far you've fallen, you've always got someone to reach down and pick you up. God's forgiveness is boundless.
| Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by thor_s avatar | [ Reply to This ]
  i loved the first stanza and i loved how the strong emotion followed throughout the whole piece.. i really enjoyed the part where it was talking bout the halo being tarnished not many people talk of stuff like that.. good job
| Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah, I think that's worth developing. I like the stubby format, it rolls off the tongue quite well.

"Wand'ring alone, solo,
Together though they came." don't really get this bit... who are they?

"Fallen angel's essence slain." Just two syllables too many to keep the excellent rhythm perfect. How about simply "angel's essence slain" you've already described her as fallen, so it doesn't need it.

I quite like this, and I'd love to see you expand it some more.

Be Happy

Graeme

| Posted on 2005-08-14 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  I too hope that you add on to this.

The 2nd and 3rd stanzas were good. . . I thought that those were the "umph" of the poem. And the ending was ok, but something about it didnt quit settle with me. Maybe if you decide to add on to it you could message me and let me know, that way I can read it again!

But overall... I enjoyed it!

Keep it up

B-N-L
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not so sure you could expand on it, if I'm perfectly honest. I feel as though these four stanza were such high standard, you left nothing to chance here, and I think it could be hard to keep that up now that the poem has already been written and the influenced is perhaps tarnished a little, but I don't know. I thought it was a great poem and I suppose worthy additions would be a bonus but I feel you might have to work on it a bit.
-James
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  damm girl. i like it as is. but if u did expand on it i would read that one too. this one was really good i liked the first and second stanzas the most. i hope u feel better.
"troy"
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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