Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Hollow Shower

Author: playcrackthesky
ASL Info:    21/f/IA
Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463 /457 /88
Words: 227
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1300
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1552


dont you ever just sit in your shower and cry?

and thanks dave, for all the help on this one, i really appreciate it!!

Hollow Shower

Bet you didn’t know
That everything is heard
Through the bathroom vent
While you and her are arguing over your little girl.

Its not true,
What you are yelling in her face
Thinking she’ll never be
Better than average.

Not worthy to carry on your
Family name?
And why?, she asks you
Because she wants a stable life.

Did she hear that right?

She's sorry she can't be a cookie cutter daughter
Your dough must have spoiled
After your first two gingerbread creations.

So you continue on,
“I just don’t understand what was going through her head!”
Maybe that’s because your head was turned away
For so long
Your imagination lost for her

Unable to imagine she came from a different mold

So you’re embarrassed of her now,
That she's sorry for...sorry for you
Not sorry for being herself,
But isn’t that how you raised her?

At least she tries each day
And that counts for something
More than you want to fathom
All these years trying to impress you,
Listening for just one “Girl you make me proud.”

Until then she will sit in a purifying shower.
Trying to wash away your screams,
Safe where she can't see you
Looking at her again.
Safe yet she still hears you
Grumbling through the floor

Submitted on 2005-08-15 00:17:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I have to say this is my favorite write of yours! I loved the easy flow of this as you took the reader through the child's mind, the mother and father. I loved the idea od a shower used here...the cleaning of negativity was symbolized as well as the actual shower. It was raw, heartfelt, and realistic. Great job Steph!

| Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Sit in the shower and cry? no. I do something else in the shower...


What did you say about robots?

N-E-Way: Thys one has a sting to it. Even though I can't relate- i do. You stung me. You stinger!

LOVE the title and the lyne " After your first two gingerbread creations."

Peace, love and awesome moist cake -

| Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
  honey this kills me... really does...
i never used to cry in the shower... i would lay paralysed in bed while the arguing and screaming was going on...

this really breaks my heart for you...

i strived forever to make my dad proud of me... all ive ever wanted was to know he was proud of me and then one day (we were at a funeral and this man was singing my praises telling dad he should be proud of me and he was taken aback and said (in almost surprise) "yeah... i am" and i had to leave... i started crying (luckily i was at a funeral and just blamed that for the tears...) ive held onto that moment for dear life... i know it sounds kinda silly but yeah...)

you know what though... im loving you for the fact that you ARENT a cookie cutter girl... i really are... i cannot handle ppl who are sucked into the 'everybody' quest... we were given our own minds and thoughts and opinions and likes... why conform to anyone elses...?

and parents are hard to please... i dont understand them myself but i just ask you this... no matter what they say or how they show it they do love you... i know your thinking "what does she know" but yeah...
and maybe... maybe you should start striving to make yourself proud... live your life for you and only you...

ok... i hope i didnt cross any lines with this comment... i didnt mean too...
take care of you beautiful girl
love you
| Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I sit in my shower and cry..

This has a lot of emotions in it.. And I think that it is just about perfect...

You explained everything.. And I loved your metaphores.. Esp the cookie cutter daughter, then the dough and ginger bread man!

I have always liked your work! Still do..

Keep it up!
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
  You have really written this well. Very strong and very vivid images. I do not want t sound cliché' but this is great.
"At least she tries each day
And that counts for something
More than you want to fathom
All these years trying to impress you,
Listening for just one “Girl you make me proud.”
this is very well expressed & written...
I remember days like this -
Lisa ~Ravenwolf
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
  Normally your pieces are quite random, but I felt a sense of purpose behind this, and more angry emotions, particularly with the lines: "Not worthy to carry on your family name" and "Trying to wash away your screams." As I said, it seems to be a lot more purposeful and this didn't give me the same feeling but it was still a pretty good read nonetheless. Different from your usual work but diversity is always good. See ya round.
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very powerful write! Full of deep emotions and feelings and very sad. It sounds to me like the youngest child of the family is being expected to follow in the older siblings footsteps and not being accepted for being herself. That is very unfair and yet so very common in society today. The youngest often is labeled as the "baby" who gets spoiled but the reality is very hard as unfair expectations are placed on the youngest to either match or exceed their siblings. And to hear adults arguing over it just makes everything so much worse. This is a great poem! And to answer your question...yes I have cried in the shower! Take care!

| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  its sad reading stuff that came out of family turmoil. it makes me sad for the writer. this poem is very clear but not with out good metaphors and imagry.

She's sorry she can't be a cookie cutter daughter

the exchange between resentment and remorse are cleanly felt in the poem. good job keep writing. take care
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this turned out quite well Steph. I liked it very much and think you did good with it.

Purifying shower...and tears...very symbolic in a way...

Good job ma dear. Have a good one and keep smilin'
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?