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Dreaming Of Egg Harbor


Author: playcrackthesky
ASL Info:    21/f/IA
Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463 /457 /88
Words: 142
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1616
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 968



Description:


this just came to me when i was remember the rocky shoreline of the bay, hmm ...
enjoy?


Dreaming Of Egg Harbor



Sneaking past the rope line
You held my hand so tight
As we broke our first law.

Trembling from the shore’s winds
You kept me close
Steadying my fumbling feet.

Recalling the feel of those rocks
Under my shoes
Hard and protruding into my heels.

You held me.

Through trees and unseen grass
Not a light but the single beam
Shining down on the bay

We slipped past a guard
And beasts unknown
Finally reaching the shore.

You gazed down at me
Your face shining
With something untouched.

You held me.

Telling me tales of water
Not quite as beautiful as me
And stars not quite as bright as my eyes.

We walked our own path
Larger rocks sprinkling the ground
Seashells crunching beneath our toes.

And you held me.




Submitted on 2005-08-15 02:35:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  i love the forbiddeness of all this...
the first stanza last line... we broke our first law... theres something about that line... that idea... i guess it makes the whole writes pace quicken as the reader wonders whether you will be caught and what exactly the law was...

i think its really cute myself... deffinately a good memory and well put into words (but then you have a way of doing that that makes me rather jealous...)

i also love the safeness of this... i mean... all the signs indicate that what you were doing and where you were headed was kinda dangerous but he was there holding you the whole time... steadying your feet and holding you close... thats safe... ya know...? like the world could fall apart but you wouldnt necessarily noticed coz you were wrapped up like china in bubblewrap... hehe... its just really nice...

"Telling me tales of water
Not quite as beautiful as me
And stars not quite as bright as my eyes."

you know... if i had read these lines from anyone else i woulda laughed... i honestly would... they kinda sound like boy lies and yet... from here... this write and from what i know already these lines take on a new dimension/perspective for me and i think they are completely beautiful and entirely perfect within this write...

the end is simple but completely awesome.
the previous repetitions of 'you held me' really laid the foundation for the last one and yup... perfect!
| Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very sweet and romantic. it's fun to do something you're not "supposed to do" with someone you love... exciting and scary.. and to be held and told beautiful stories makes this very sentimental indeed. thanks for sharing.
peace&ease
@ Cat
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, ace. In a word. You always seem to write so much about my pieces but I can't seem to write much about yours, which makes me feel guilty, I mean, on Tell Me Something, that was a joy to read, I wish I could give you the same joy, but alas, I am emotionless entity... lol

Anyway, all this came from remembering the shoreline?! But there's the emotion, and the holding, and the imagery, I swear this is personal experience! I loved the repetition of the line: "you held me" and I was inspired by the stanza:

"Telling me tales of water
Not quite as beautiful as me
And stars not quite as bright as my eyes."

That gives me the most of the feeling I get, its like the emotion is being purposefully exaggerated and it just gets to me, I don't know. Awesome write!
-jimmy
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  Good work here. Caught my eye because we have an Egg Harbor here in Jersey. I really like the way you keep coming back to him holding you. Maybe you might want to add a stanza about him warming you? Just a thought. Anyway, some comments below. Feel free to use ‘em or lose ‘em.

Sneaking past the rope line
You held my hand so tight
As we broke our first law. – NICE STANZA

Trembling from shore’s winds – DELETE ‘THE’
You kept me close
Steadied my fumbling feet. – MAYBE ‘STEADIED’

Recalling the feel of those rocks
Under my shoes
Hard and protruding into soles. – MAYBE ‘INTO SOLES’ INSTEAD (THAT WOULD GIVE IT A DOUBLE MEANING)

You held me.

Through trees and unseen grass
Not a light but the single beam
Shining down on the bay

We slipped past the guard – CHANGE ‘A’ TO ‘THE’
And beasts unknown
Finally reaching the shore.

You gazed down at me
Your face shining
With something untouched. - NICE

You held me.

Telling me tales of water
Not quite as beautiful as me
And stars not quite as bright as my eyes.

We walked our own path
Larger rocks sprinkling the ground
Seashells crunching beneath our toes.

And you held me. – NICE FINISH
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautiful like most of your pieces.. Gah.. You write sooooo awesome.. I wish I had your talent! Truly.. I envy you.. Lol..

It was a warm poem, and the first stanza about breaking yalls first law was priceless. I think that was my fav. part... But I LOVED it all.. Like usual..

Keep it up!

~Much love from me to you~
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, very nicely done! What a lovely romantic read...

I was going to give you exactly the same suggestions as Joe, damn, too late!

Not that I don't like it as it is...

Sensational job!

Five stars *****

Be Happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  it's beautiful. simple, sweet and beautiful. i like how you capture the innocence of love here, and yet state that you broke your first law. it seems that you have to break laws to love. i don't know why but somehow this sounds really dreamy and unreal. like you can't believe it's happening but it is but you just can't register it. and yes the best stanza:

"Telling me tales of water
Not quite as beautiful as me
And stars not quite as bright as my eyes."

i'm sorry if everybody already said that. it is the best stanza.

good write. shores are always very romantic.
| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]


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