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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreaming Of Egg Harbordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 996
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 966



    Description:
       this just came to me when i was remember the rocky shoreline of the bay, hmm ...
    enjoy?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreaming Of Egg Harbordots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sneaking past the rope line
    You held my hand so tight
    As we broke our first law.

    Trembling from the shore’s winds
    You kept me close
    Steadying my fumbling feet.

    Recalling the feel of those rocks
    Under my shoes
    Hard and protruding into my heels.

    You held me.

    Through trees and unseen grass
    Not a light but the single beam
    Shining down on the bay

    We slipped past a guard
    And beasts unknown
    Finally reaching the shore.

    You gazed down at me
    Your face shining
    With something untouched.

    You held me.

    Telling me tales of water
    Not quite as beautiful as me
    And stars not quite as bright as my eyes.

    We walked our own path
    Larger rocks sprinkling the ground
    Seashells crunching beneath our toes.

    And you held me.




    Submitted on 2005-08-15 02:35:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i love the forbiddeness of all this...
    the first stanza last line... we broke our first law... theres something about that line... that idea... i guess it makes the whole writes pace quicken as the reader wonders whether you will be caught and what exactly the law was...

    i think its really cute myself... deffinately a good memory and well put into words (but then you have a way of doing that that makes me rather jealous...)

    i also love the safeness of this... i mean... all the signs indicate that what you were doing and where you were headed was kinda dangerous but he was there holding you the whole time... steadying your feet and holding you close... thats safe... ya know...? like the world could fall apart but you wouldnt necessarily noticed coz you were wrapped up like china in bubblewrap... hehe... its just really nice...

    "Telling me tales of water
    Not quite as beautiful as me
    And stars not quite as bright as my eyes."

    you know... if i had read these lines from anyone else i woulda laughed... i honestly would... they kinda sound like boy lies and yet... from here... this write and from what i know already these lines take on a new dimension/perspective for me and i think they are completely beautiful and entirely perfect within this write...

    the end is simple but completely awesome.
    the previous repetitions of 'you held me' really laid the foundation for the last one and yup... perfect!
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      this is very sweet and romantic. it's fun to do something you're not "supposed to do" with someone you love... exciting and scary.. and to be held and told beautiful stories makes this very sentimental indeed. thanks for sharing.
    peace&ease
    @ Cat
    | Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, ace. In a word. You always seem to write so much about my pieces but I can't seem to write much about yours, which makes me feel guilty, I mean, on Tell Me Something, that was a joy to read, I wish I could give you the same joy, but alas, I am emotionless entity... lol

    Anyway, all this came from remembering the shoreline?! But there's the emotion, and the holding, and the imagery, I swear this is personal experience! I loved the repetition of the line: "you held me" and I was inspired by the stanza:

    "Telling me tales of water
    Not quite as beautiful as me
    And stars not quite as bright as my eyes."

    That gives me the most of the feeling I get, its like the emotion is being purposefully exaggerated and it just gets to me, I don't know. Awesome write!
    -jimmy
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      Good work here. Caught my eye because we have an Egg Harbor here in Jersey. I really like the way you keep coming back to him holding you. Maybe you might want to add a stanza about him warming you? Just a thought. Anyway, some comments below. Feel free to use ‘em or lose ‘em.

    Sneaking past the rope line
    You held my hand so tight
    As we broke our first law. – NICE STANZA

    Trembling from shore’s winds – DELETE ‘THE’
    You kept me close
    Steadied my fumbling feet. – MAYBE ‘STEADIED’

    Recalling the feel of those rocks
    Under my shoes
    Hard and protruding into soles. – MAYBE ‘INTO SOLES’ INSTEAD (THAT WOULD GIVE IT A DOUBLE MEANING)

    You held me.

    Through trees and unseen grass
    Not a light but the single beam
    Shining down on the bay

    We slipped past the guard – CHANGE ‘A’ TO ‘THE’
    And beasts unknown
    Finally reaching the shore.

    You gazed down at me
    Your face shining
    With something untouched. - NICE

    You held me.

    Telling me tales of water
    Not quite as beautiful as me
    And stars not quite as bright as my eyes.

    We walked our own path
    Larger rocks sprinkling the ground
    Seashells crunching beneath our toes.

    And you held me. – NICE FINISH
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful like most of your pieces.. Gah.. You write sooooo awesome.. I wish I had your talent! Truly.. I envy you.. Lol..

    It was a warm poem, and the first stanza about breaking yalls first law was priceless. I think that was my fav. part... But I LOVED it all.. Like usual..

    Keep it up!

    ~Much love from me to you~
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, very nicely done! What a lovely romantic read...

    I was going to give you exactly the same suggestions as Joe, damn, too late!

    Not that I don't like it as it is...

    Sensational job!

    Five stars *****

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      it's beautiful. simple, sweet and beautiful. i like how you capture the innocence of love here, and yet state that you broke your first law. it seems that you have to break laws to love. i don't know why but somehow this sounds really dreamy and unreal. like you can't believe it's happening but it is but you just can't register it. and yes the best stanza:

    "Telling me tales of water
    Not quite as beautiful as me
    And stars not quite as bright as my eyes."

    i'm sorry if everybody already said that. it is the best stanza.

    good write. shores are always very romantic.
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]


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