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    dots Submission Name: Hawaiian Haikudots

    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Haiku/Nature
    Total Views: 1146
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 958

       this is more a "series" of haiku, i strung them all together because...well, because i can. a few of them were written drunk i think, but for the most part to be honest i dont even remember...these were written a long while ago, maybe a year, and i found them and wanted to post them. ha...its all so mad when i read it back..oh well. enjoi. ~~~

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    dotsHawaiian Haikudots

    tanned orchid-clad girls
    Who could be all called “sisters”
    rub blessed coconuts

    you can’t caress the milk
    from out its deafened bark with
    Out many languages

    These watered down flowers
    (Polynesian is my first),
    the language of fruit

    which sweated juicy
    trails of exotic mild floods--
    your tongue is a sweet jewel

    volcanic lady
    mirrored in pool of her milk
    undressed me in a tower
    and lay golden bricks

    over my eyes too
    our island has a shadow
    black veil wrapped too tight

    took you away to spain
    then, drink fancy liquors’ sons
    til girls lay opened,

    like Christmas presents
    on the Hawaiian branches
    of rainbow reef fields

    so I let it drift
    mildly let waves wash mouths out
    by paintings, her lips

    Submitted on 2005-08-15 11:57:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hello there! you won't get any nit picking from me here... i am not one of the technical police.

    this is truly delightful and i love reading it over again just to hear how you have used the flavoursome words as an artist's paint box. it is delicious tropical cocktail, a wonderfully scented moisturising body milk being massaged into my warm skin, a textured mural and a wistful lyrical song all rolled into one piece of beautiful writing. it is scrumptious.
    i can see why Sugar mouse thinks there is a similarity between this style and some of the poems of Edward Kamau-Braithwaite, a pretty distinguished Caribbean poet, literary critic and historian... you are able to write in a variety of styles and this is a gift which you use to great effect.
    | Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      Howdy and hello, 'tis the Piggster here. I'm chuckling to myself now because never ONCE have I read a haiku on Elite. Bear with me if you please, I am sorting through my concritory thoughts...
    If you want to get 'nitpicky' about this, it's not really a standard haiku. I may be getting my facts mixed, but isn't it five beats for the first line, seven for the second, and five for the last? Gosh, I forget...That, however, didn't even cross my mind as I read over this series. I was swept away from my computer and into the very tropics themselves! I can imagine the pictures that might go with every stanza of this work clearly. You would go far indeed with these haikus if you could master the form a bit more...
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Trufflepiggy | [ Reply to This ]
      An interesting mix. I've not really seen too many haiku but these seem a strange bunch and I'm wondering how well you stuck to form. To be honest, I enjoyed the vibrant images and humor/emotion in these but overall they feel like cryptic puzzles and that makes me feel like the form has gotten the better of you, but our writing is interesting and made me want to have understood. DB
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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