Rag Doll by nebnim

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Rag Doll dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	nebnim
ASL Info:	21 - Female - My Room
Elite Ratio:	4.01 - 284/405/75
Words:	84

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	307
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	552

Description:
Love rocks

Rag Doll dots

-------------------------------------------

Sway me back and forth
Methodically
Your hands are my bungee cords
Allowing me room
Yet always offering your saftey
At times I feel like a rag doll
Poised amusingly for your slap-stick humor
And I can't imagine wanting to be any other kind of toy
At times I watch you as you sit reading
My heart betraying me
(Do you ever hear the pounding?)
You resemble a wise owl at those moments
Intimidating to some
Comforting to others
You're both for me

Submitted on 2005-08-15 22:23:44 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  What a lovely piece! A real juxtaposition of raw feeling and at the same time a beautiful metaphor for the wonderful and fragile turmoil that love takes us to when we allow it. Very inspiring for the heart. Love does rock!

A few bits didn't sit entirely well for me, bungee cords and safety (not quite synonymous in my mind). I thought - umbilical cord? - but no, far too maternal. Life life, eerh, totally wrong mood. But then maybe it is the safety line that doesn't quite gel then. Bungee certainly fits later as you explore the rag doll theme, and humour. I'm starting to think that it could go, "Yet always retirning me to your safety" well anyway... just a thought.

I also reckon you need a second stanza after "any other kind of toy" but i don't think it's that big a deal. It works both ways really. My god, my criticism is so wishy-washy, that's the kind of day i'm having though. Trying not to work.

"And I can't imagine wanting to be any other kind of toy" is a cracker of a line, so centrally placed it is the core of your message. To me it says, i will always embrace the turbulence of love, than live more safely as a cabbage patch doll, always loved yet left on the shelf, to watch the risk taking of others.

Then you end with a sense a admiration from afar, and it is obvious that the love of you for him is as an independent person as well a for allowing you your independence, and for the union of the too. Sounds like a very special relationship, and a very special poem of one.

Much happiness for you and he.

Abzy
| Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]
  Good stuff! Love poetry that is not all gushy, but rather, honest and true. The honesty comes through, because we're not spoon fed syrupy love droolings. Instead we get a clear image of how you feel. Maybe some of the metaphors could be otherwise, but I like the rag doll and toy theme. Going with that maybe "hands" shouldn't be "bungee cords", they're not thought of as toys. Would "rocking chair" work, still not a classic "toy", but every playroom has one, it's rhythmic, safe, and you often see a rag doll sitting in one.

Favorite line/s:

"my heart betraying me
(Do you ever hear the pounding?)

This could have been trite, but you have re-formed it to make it unique. Ceverly done!

I have no sugeestions beyond what I've already said. Your poem is a joy to read. It has a reserved emotion behind it, as though something is waiting to explode, or erupt, or burst into song. A deeper joy wells up in your words, a sense of inner happiness. As I've said I think this is great stuff. It's real. It has a sense of mature love, and yet a playful attitude.
Well done! I loved it!

Phil
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you are smokin' hot first of all. And your poetry makes you all the more attractive. Nicely done. I was drawn in by the title since I consider myself to be very much a ragdoll, but in another sense. I was surprised to learn that one could veiw it in such a manner, but pleasantly surprised. Congratulations on love- may it stay within your heart always.
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by dawnschild | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow that was pretty good. I found the best part was the last three lines, specifically because thats how I would describe the type of person I am generally attracted to. Also I can relate alot to this poem right now. I am in a very laxed relationship now and I feel as though I am someones plaything "Poised amusingly for [her] slap-stick humor" moreso than anything. I dont want to tell her how I feel about her, but when were together I feel as though my heart's yearning vocalizes itself and betrays my true feelings. I don't think what I'm feeling is love necessarily, but I feel I can relate to this piece in my current situation. As far as criticism goes I feel like after the eighth line the words seem as though they are from a completely different poem, almost as though two writings were merged together, not necessarily a bad thing. Keep on writing I'll look for more of your stuff.
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by Poor_Poet | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good piece...put it to music and I bet you have a "hit" on your hands.lol
A very good write indeed, intimidating and comforting, what a descriptive combo. You have an unique way with words. It shows highly in your writes. Take care, wanda
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a really good metaphor.

As kids movies go, I've always loved the Toy Story movies and the theme that comes through them is all that matters is being loved. That theme can be a bit troubling as the toy (or rag doll) doesn't get to have any say in what goes on, no opinions, no chance to change the relationship.

I know you and I know Arick, so I know that you don't have this problem in your relationship. Still, I could see a really dark poem about a rag doll, as well.

Steve
| Posted on 2005-08-22 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Love is a beautiful thing, and I am so happy that you are in love. This piece was very unique in the way that you wrote it. No mushy gushy about it, just plain feeling. To give yourself so completely to another, as a ragdoll, and to not have it anyother way. Your almost stating that to be fully in love is to accept all the feelings, the intimidation, the comfort and to see it all as a part of it. This was beautiful in an honest sense. You have a real way with words that makes ever piece you write completely unique from anything I have read. Well done my friend. Its nice to see that you are back with your pen and tearing up the paper. Looking forward to some more.

Brightest Blessings,
Crystal
| Posted on 2005-08-22 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
  Love does rock, doesn't it?
It's about damn time you posted something! lol
I suppose I could be like everyone else and tell you how happy I am for you that you found love and it's just so wonderful..but I'm just not like everyone else! So, I'll simply say cool.
Luv ya,
Traci :)
| Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.