Giving by nebnim

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Submission Name: Giving dots

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Author:	nebnim
ASL Info:	21 - Female - My Room
Elite Ratio:	4.01 - 284/405/75
Words:	112

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	1024
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	805

Description:
I can't recall when I wrote this, or who I wrote it for (if I wrote it for someone) but it seems to fit my present situation. Although I don't have to fly anywhere now, do I?

Giving

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Breathe only for melodramatic reasons.
I imagine your chest; rising, falling,
Over and over
Over the moon.
(spread)
My wings and fly and fly
Far from here.
What's that you say?
Evaluate my love, they do.
They think,
"She hasn't changed a bit,
She can't change...never ever."
One creature of habit I shall remain,
So I spread my wings.
Black as night,
Real as you,
Thin as August ice.
Will I, can I, no I really shouldn't
Be in love
(but I am)
You're as amazing now as you were...
When was it?
Years ago, so I
Spread these forbidden things,
Open my forbidden wings
And fly and fly
To you.

Submitted on 2005-08-16 00:42:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hello again nebnim,

I have always been one to be drawn to your writings; and once again you got me!

melodrama consumes this write in a great percentage, so the first line goes well, I'm sure you built off of it, to make it easier in a way.

when you say over and over, and over the moon, I felt darkness consume the visual
i was able to make.

I think that the word "spread" shouldn't be in parenthesis, it puts a slight delay in the write while you read it, like you have to read it over to get it. The statement you use though does get through, spreading your wings wanting to fly away then suddenly you here a something being said to you.

when you quoted what was being said of you, it was like you were raising your voice to some extent which is good writing. Then you tell us that you know who you are and what you do and don't do; and that you won't change this particular habit that is said you have.

So again you mention spreading your wings and flying away.

The next three lines could be refered to a couple things, um... I think you are refering to the love for this person that consumes you.

It is dark, real, and thin as ice in august, That line tells me it isn't very sturdy right now. If I am correct there, I'm sorry for the position you are in.

You then express your love, even after questioning it. You then have a surprising moment of memory lapse, but it only makes yo stronger, and helps you initiate your wings opening to go to this person.

Well, maybe I got it all wrong, either way I enjoyed picking at it and trying to sort out your thoughts.

best wishes>>>>brax
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
  Black as night,
Real as you,
Thin as August ice.

i love the august ice image. Such a terminally fragile image to bring in realtions to one's inner turmoil.
this piece is short and sweet.
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by googie | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a lovely poem. A well written expression of wonderful feelings. I like the way you create this cynical point of view from other people as if they are talking about you and saying you are the same as you have always been...and in a sense it is true as you say you are a creature of habit, which we all are really. But despite all this, your love for this person is real and no great concern is given for what others think of you which is a very admirable quality of this poem. I enjoyed reading this very much. It very well written and expressed! Nice poem! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi,
This is such a lovely piece.

One creature of habit I shall remain
So I spread my wings
Black as night
Real as you
Thin as August Ice

This part was unique. It really caught my attention. This poem is passionate and exotic.
I have nothing bad to say about this write.
A great piece! you take care, wanda
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
  When a person has tough times the overriding question becomes what self-imposed limits will they place on themselves. What tempting fruits will they forbid themselves?

"Spread these forbidden things,
Open my forbidden wings
And fly and fly
To you."

It's beautiful when the self-forbidden is no longer locked away.

"Fly, little butterfly, fly"

Steve
| Posted on 2005-08-22 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Y'know, I totally understand that feeling. When something inside just opens up and emotion just rushes over you, overwhelming but amazing at the same time. I held alot of myself back from Darrin, until my heart took over, whether my head wanted it to or not. lol I hope you have the same results as I did, my dear.
Luv ya,
Traci :)
| Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Rachel, jeez, I like this, it's almost talking to yourself and to someone else who is also yourself.

Very good, altho I reckon you're being diplomatic forgetting who you wrote it to...

Excellent!

be Happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]

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70733

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.