Long distance love by POETRY

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Submission Name: Long distance love dots

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Author:	POETRY
ASL Info:	17/f/az
Elite Ratio:	4.29 - 259/141/37
Words:	184

Class/Type:	Misc/Depressed
Total Views:	509
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1037

Description:
Here is a poem that I wrote for a guy I had a relationship with. That did not work it.

Long distance love dots

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We tried to make it work,
you over there and me over here
And it did for a while
but then it stopped all together
You said 'I love you' and 'I miss you'
but I just dont get it
If you really did, then why did you leave?
Your excuse was the fact that I just didnt live there
You couldn't be attached to someone over here
You said you couldnt just talk to me on the phone and that was that.
But answer me this
"If you love me like you say you do,
then why did you leave?"
"If you really love me wouldnt you have tried to make it work?"
But I guess the truth was you just loved me
because you thought it was something
every man was to do
But that is not true
Its ok though because whether my heart is broken into pieces or whether my soul is no longer whole I will always know

It was never you that loved me it was just me loving you.

Submitted on 2005-08-16 18:47:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Glad I could be of some help

Take care
Jason
| Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the subtle sadness of this. Especially the end, that was very fitting for the write. I can really relate to this because I too at one point was in a distance relationship. She was there and I was here. It didn't really work, I guess she just fell out of love with me or it could be that she never really loved me as much as I thought she did. Either way I did love her, I still her.

Anyway, sorry I got a little carried away there with my personal life.

I have a few suggestion for this write, if you will allow me.

We [tryed] to make it work

( Here you have a spelling error that I have placed in brackets. Tried is with an 'i' and as you see you have a 'y' there, but no biggie you can simply just correct that.)

Okay now that I have gotten that out of the way. I going to suggest some changes in structure and such. Because I found some of the lines to be too long and because of that I felt it kind of messed with the flow, though that is really just my opinion. Because of the box we are forced to restrict our comments to, it wiould very difficult to help with the formating of the lines. That is something, if you want, you have to do on your own.

We tried to make it work[,]
you over there and me over here
And it did for a while
but then it stopped all together
You said [']I love you['] and '[I'll] miss me'
but I just dont get it
If you really did, then why did you leave?
Your excuse was the fact that I just didnt live there
You [couldn't] be attached to someone over here
You said you couldnt just talk to me on the phone and that was that.
But answer me this
"If you love me like you say you do,
then why did you leave?"
"If you really love me wouldnt you have tried to make it work?"
But I guess the truth was you just loved me
because you thought it was something
every man was to do
But that is not true
Its ok though because whether my heart is broken into pieces or whether my soul is no longer whole I will always know

It was never you that loved me it was just me loving you.

I also sub some words but at any rate these are only my suggestions and ideas and you don't have to follow them if you don't want to.
If you decide to edit this or revise. Give me a shout and let me take another look at it.

Take care
Jason.
| Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  I love this "it was never you that loved me it was just me loving you." i love that alot.

totally awesome.

Long distance relationship really do suck. :(

good poem.
| Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by WTF Zombies | [ Reply to This ]
  Yes long distance sucks!!!! The boy in the poem you commented on live 4 hours from me...So I realate to this..I think this poem has tons of potential. I would like to get a little more insight, like what did you talk about...how far was the distance..how did you meet. It like a window into your life..I want to see! Good job though
| Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by haileebobailee | [ Reply to This ]
  The ending is really nice. Still, I do think that it should be a little longer, focussing some part on the things happening during the relationship. I know it is hard, and I understand this feeling well. I also know that sharing it out will make you feel better. It is a sad and emotional piece... Good write.
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by whchong | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it, but I think it would work better if it were seperated a little more. Make it into stanzas. It would sound so much better. I loved the emotions, and the ending was best. Nice write.
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by Dark Angel | [ Reply to This ]
  i understand and can relate well to this one, i think the only thign you should change would be instead of saying 'ask me this' i think you mean 'answer me this' it would make more sense that way cus now its just one of the lines that you just discard because it just doesnt fit..
peace
danielle
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by sacred_tears | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, this poem is very personal to me. I had a long distance relationship that didnt work out too. I felt the exact same way that the author felt. I really loved the way it was realistically written so your readers could connect with it. good job.
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by Mahoganii | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey wats up i really liked the ending it went smooth lol thats all i can say about it but this is a great poem well ttyl =P

Eric,
| Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by Draco | [ Reply to This ]

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