Square shaped, hazy, blinking hues cast light,
thoughts dissolve and amplify due to high
A photo lays solo on chipped, pitted surface of coffee
Eyes fall to it each time sweaty bottle goes to lips.
Ratty robe once worn with one once
Chin rests on chest, rises then falls with deep
Her smile wraps around each nerve of spinning brain.
A photo Laying Solo on Cheap...
| I like this! It makes wonder whether the other died or left. I like the style of this. It's different! Like others, my favourite line is:|
"Her smile wraps around each nerve of spinning brain"
I'm unsure whether it's good or not that we can control our emotions to that degree. But I like it!
blessed be and peace out,
|| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Hungarian Girl | [ Reply to This ] || I think what’s really important in this piece is why the photo is there.|
To me it is a map, the vehicle is what’s inside the bottle and the ignition is the force that dwells inside this battered soul sitting in front of the coffee table.
This just speaks in so many levels…
We have the image of a dilapidated individual… lost yet continuously hoping that the ”map” would lead him to back to that smile that has penetrated every fiber of his mentality.
Then we have the fact that eyes fall each time the bottle meets the lips… as if to say he wants to be done with this but he cannot because he keeps holding on to her and everything she was able to leave behind. For if he were to flip the photo or remove it from the table… then it would finish his “goodbye” and that would be the end of that.
Then there is that question that lingers in the air… “Where does this lead to?” At that point, he could be contemplating on the fact that this could go on forever… and that he is throwing everything at Time. Is he blaming Time? Could be. It is possible that he is also relying on Time to fix this. But of course, Time can’t stitch a man who wants to keep the wound open. So I guess… the first step is to remove the photo when he’s taken all that he could. But when would that be? Should he just settle for what he’s got? Perhaps that would be wise.
The best trait of this kid is that, it sort of jitters… you know… as if trying to mimic the man in the piece. It is as though the entire thing goes hand in hand. That the way you made the piece is just as important… if not more than… the message itself. I guess you could say that the way you made it… the clipped lines and the seemingly worn out utterance… is the message. A little Marshall McLuhan for you.
It is pieces like this that make me happy I stumbled into this world of strung words and emotions.
|| Posted on 2005-08-28 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] || I like this one! It is a short, concise, and clear image of a lover in despair, seeking solace in whiskey. A photo haunts his soul, he finds no comfort.|
"Her smile wraps around each nerve of spinning brain."
The power of love, to control even our minds, our brains, our very nerves. A great image!
(L2-3) - "due to high / proof" I would change to "from hundred / proof". Why? I think the words "due to" rob him of some guilt, whereas "from" lays the responsibilty at his feet. "high proof" is less distinct than "hundred proof". With the latter, we know you mean whiskey.
L7 - I'd change "one" to "someone", simply because it reads smoother, by breaking the "w" sound repetition.
On the whole, why have you chosen not to use articles (a, the an, etc.) and pronouns? I think a few could be put in to help with clarity and flow.
I think you should change L4, so as NOT to be repeated in the ending. Say the same thing, to keep your overall image going, but change the wording in L4. i "A framed photograph face up..."
This is a great image, very human. It draws in the reader, building sympathy for the character, and highlights the power of love. It is a classic image that you have given a new and different twist, not the image itself, but the wording of your description. Well done!
|| Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] || This has a yearning, past-tense feel to it. Its as if you want something that just isnt' there anymore...I enjoyed this. It had emotions that were opened, yet still hidden. You have a different style to your writing, I look forward to reading more from you.|
*hugs a plenty*
|| Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ] || A very interesting one you have here. Again, some of the imagry and your use of language is very strong.|
The feel of it isn't entirely to my taste, I struggle to like very modern poetry with a very contemporary feel, but I can appreciate it, and like you say, it's interesting to try new things.
Something about the tense here just sat a little funny with me, I think it's because it's in present tense and worded a little strangely in places, it showed up most for me in this line:
thoughts dissolve and amplify due to high
Don't know why that line stood out for me, maybe because I'm really not a fan of the word 'due', maybe not.
Either way, as I say, some pretty strong imagry and interesting style here.
Well done on tackling new things, it's far too easy to get stuck in one thing just because you can do it well and never experiment.
|| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ] || A love lost.. lover, friend, family.. either through deaf.. or just a break up? |
I'm trying to guess. It could be lover, that would be my first guess.. or maybe a child lost to death.. Either way when a love like that is gone.. it's hard to get over.. if when you so desparately want to.
You bring out the empty, lost feeling so well in this short write. And the images of the table, photo, you (or the subject in this poem)..very vivid.
|| Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ] |