Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Blood In My Veinsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 245
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 1555
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1552



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Blood In My Veinsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Time will eventually leave everything behind
    All the friends we make and all the love we find,
    But never again will look around
    And never again will I look away,
    To me, you mean too much to simply forget
    So I'll remember in the best possible way

    Nothing else will matter
    Our lives will stay the same,
    You're the life in my heart
    And the blood in my veins,
    The blood in my veins...

    We can't reach back when it's too late
    And we cannot see after the long wait,
    But never again will I turn back
    And never again will I be that way,
    This could be my last chance to speak
    I want to burn out and not fade away

    Nothing else will matter
    Our lives will stay the same,
    You're the life in my heart
    And the blood in veins,
    This last endeavor
    Will be set right in time,
    You're the life in my heart
    I can't leave you behind...

    I'm alive when I close my eyes and see you
    But when I open my eyes I need you again,
    Please don't say this is the end
    Please don't say today

    And this last endeavor
    Will be set right in time,
    You're the life in heart
    I can't leave you behind,
    And be there for me
    When I'm out in the rain,
    You're the life in my heart
    And the blood in my veins...




    Submitted on 2005-08-17 14:44:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow! this was great! i really liked it. the begining starts out a little rough, the first verse kinda loses its flow after the first few lines. its a really nice progression though, and a very pretty ending. i could almost hear the music. my only advice would be to revise that first verse. it just kinda has jagged edges, maybe try and make it fit a little more. iv written a few song and i know its hard so i gota give you some props for this man. it was truely a great piece, and i loved it. if it ever gets some instruments behind it, let me know!
    peace
    ~Shadia
    | Posted on 2007-01-30 00:00:00 | by Shadia Dark | [ Reply to This ]
      I recently had a friend back home commit suicide. I grew up with the guy, and say him every day through high school. So, when I read this, it made me think of how i feel, I never got to say good bye, or raise my glass with him before he died, so when you write things like. " You're the life in my hear, and the blood in my veins" that really created special meaning for me. Because like you said, our lives will stay the same, in a routine sense, however, I find myself trying to pull friends even closer and say all I need to say before it's too late, and you described that perfectly in here, so sir, thank you for your writings, they really are quite good.

    Brent
    | Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      how is all the music going??? long time no chat... its a cool piece. i've read better from you.


    tina
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      The one thing I wish is that I could hear the music in this piece. Techonology can only do so much....

    Nothing else will matter
    Our lives will stay the same,
    You're the life in my heart
    And the blood in my veins,
    The blood in my veins...

    Specifically the first two lines. I don't really understand why I like them so much.....but I do
    I particularly like comparing this person to blood, somehting you cant live without.
    I really like it. I can't explain why...I just do.
    I hope you keep writing


    Pursuitoflife
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Pursuitoflife | [ Reply to This ]
      you are a really good songwriter, really. I like this one better than "Dying Memories" though. I also like the second chorus better than the other two though, but overall, that is one kick ass song (excuse my language) figuratively speaking. Well, im done here, bye.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the meaning behind it... Love is such a wonderful, if overwhelming emotion... You captured the overall feeling of it, which is important, but I still have a few critiques... Your rhyming wasn't very original or creative (rhyming way with away TWICE tsk, tsk) and though it is easy to recognize and understand, the whole love, blood, heart connection bothers me... Not just in you writing either... It's just so cliché and, though it gets the point across, there are many more interesting and creative ways to express the idea of love without relating it to your circulatory system... But maybe that's just me... Despite my critiques however, I will say that it is well writtne considering most of what I see come out of our age group (I'm also 17) and that you definitely have talenyt, but that you need to work on it a bit
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem very much.I know how this feeling is.I am in love right now w/ my b/f...hes everything I could have wanted.And I couldnt ask for anything better.These lyrics express that well,and that he is life of heart.It is so sweet.
    [-Candace-]
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by ArtichokeMosher | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so sweet... and so right. right as in, this captures your emotions perfectly. i totally agree with you, some people are just too meaningful to us to forget. this ones the best so far. really...

    some suggestions i would want to make is adding "i" in the third line of the first stanza and "you" in the last line of the first stanza. reads better that way. but those changes are really minor so you can ignore them if ya want to! and in the second last stanza i would add "it" in the last line, please dont say "it" today

    but that slips into desperation. and that part i dint like so much as the rest, but thats just me! cause steph clearly loved it!

    ZU (this goes on my faves)
    | Posted on 2005-08-30 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Time will eventually leave everything behind
    All the friends we make and all the love we find,
    But never again will look around
    And never again will I look away,
    To me, you mean too much to simply forget
    So I'll remember in the best possible way

    i enjoyed this stanza the best... an original way of expressing love for somebody.. very modest also...
    as far as lyrics go, it seems like a good love poem at best.. but good job either way
    | Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
      what a lovely piece...i like the way you expressed love for someone, it was different.
    i like this part:
    I'm alive when I close my eyes and see you
    But when I open my eyes I need you again,
    Please don't say this is the end
    Please don't say today

    nice job...
    dylanpoe's girl
    | Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
      As lyrics they sounds real good.. Even if it wasn't lyrics, I'd say the same..

    I would Love to hear this in a song, because I bet it makes it sound so sweet..

    I could feel real sincerity in this piece, And that is rare too find well at least that doesn't make it sound corney. Lol.

    Keep it up

    ~Blindly-N-Love~
    | Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
      well I don't think you need me to tell you how great this is, and how much I love it. but I think I will anyways, cause I'm sure you wouldn't mind hearing it.

    First off, the second I read that description I was pulled into this, and the first stanza is amazing, as it always is. These were my favorite lines in it: "But never again will look around
    And never again will I look away,
    To me, you mean too much to simply forget" that's just wow.

    Now I think I should tell you, the second stanza hit me in the gut (in a good way) I think you might just be the life in my heart.

    Now the second to last stanza was something straight from my head, I swear it.

    Wonderful!

    -Steph
    | Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      great work. this girl must be something special. i've tried to analyze this and critique it to be helpful and i don't see much that i would change. the only thing i could possibly think of would be to maybe reword some lines or just change some words for the singers sake. some words can be too difficult to roll off the tongue when being sung. but as lyrics go i can't hear this so my view may carry no weight at all lol. you're the one singing this so if the words flow well for you then rock on. i'm glad to see you're really getting into lyric writing a little more. take care.
    | Posted on 2005-08-22 00:00:00 | by Butterfly Bullets | [ Reply to This ]
      This was beautiful. This is a very lovely piece. One thing...I love the way it was written. The rhyme wasn't the best but good poetry doesn't have to rhyme all that well. It doesn't even have to rhyme at all. I could actually see this as being lyrics to a song. Either way....it was great! It screams out love and compassion. This....in a way....is sort of spooky. I don't like the fact of never looking back and leaving the people you love. Imagine...after death...and everyone you've loved....is gone...forever. No....those thoughts are not pleasant and this poem just really brought those ideas out and conflicted with them. Once again.....great write!
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by bleeding-soul | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    70920

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry