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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Drinking in the August Firesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 199
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1253



    Description:
       I really do love the way the air smells when the world is burning...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDrinking in the August Firesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Have you ever smelled the air when the forests are burning?
    When you donít know if itís only leaves
    Or if thereís a slight hint of charred human flesh
    Blending with the late summer heat

    And you fling open all the windows
    Not caring if you break the aged screens
    Not caring if small critters crawl in and
    Gorge themselves on the food in your cabinets

    Every breath is heavy with smoke and mesquite
    You wish the fires would never stop
    Because then there would be no reason
    To ever go outside again

    The scent of destruction has never been more enticing
    Thereís just something about being alive
    That makes you wish the things around you
    Would die more often so you could enjoy them

    And you should be sickened
    Repulsed by the acrid scent of death
    That clings to every hair follicle
    Taints every bare inch of skin

    But you recognize the feeling in your gut immediately
    Know it in a way most people will never know their own bodies
    A feeling that drags you out of bed to search desperately
    For one last breath of thick, burning air

    Itís longingÖ




    Submitted on 2005-08-17 20:33:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      never quite read anything like this before. very dark and thought-provoking...I think, if taken literally, this could be somewhat disturbing, which might very well be your intention. But I think there is more to it, underneath it, this love of the fire, for fire is passion, passion out of control, not caring of consequences but consumed by a lust to burn for the sake of burning. and we all should feel this out of control from time to time. it is so much more than laundry and dishes...mmmm...take a deep breath...that's it...smells like...smells like...LOVE!
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      There was a time in my life when I heard about people dying and felt jealous of them. This makes me think of that time. But at the same time it makes me think of the time after that... when I rose above the misery and I was so strong... I was glad when others failed or died. The emotions are all so intense... everything is so intense about this. NICE.
    Jessica
    | Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]
      i think that perhaps you missed a few tricks here.

    the first thing that strikes me is your use of second person here. to me it is unnecessary and files the holes that for me would be better taken by descriptions and feelings.

    for example, you could make the following changes:

    'the smell in the air when the forests are burning;
    is it only leaves
    Or is there a slight hint of charred human flesh
    Blending with the late summer heat?

    fling open all the windows
    Not caring if aged screens break
    Not caring if small critters crawl in and
    Gorge themselves on the food in the cabinets

    Every breath is heavy with smoke and mesquite
    wishing the fires would never stop;
    Because then there would be no reason
    To ever go outside again

    The scent of destruction has never been more enticing
    Thereís just something about being alive
    wishing the things around you
    Would die more often so you could enjoy them

    you should be sickened
    Repulsed by the acrid scent of death
    That clings to every hair follicle
    Taints every bare inch of skin

    But you recognize the feeling in your gut immediately
    Know it in a way most people will never know their own bodies
    A feeling that drags you out of bed to search desperately
    For one last breath of thick, burning air

    Itís longingÖ'

    i think that this still speaks the same but is more open and less focused on one person, it also lets me as a reader take your piece more seriously.


    so you have given us your thoughts and your everso-slightly-twisted sense of smell, and that is fine and unique[ish] and dark and slightly erotic in a cannibalism kind of way, but i think you could have evoked more those feelings with some descriptions on the smells and some analogies to match; this is just too diary-like in my opinion as it is and could do with more,

    take care and dont eat too much meat, you ll turn red like and alcoholic and the hunger will get ya
    on1eday
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      OH, now THAT is fabulous! Go immediately to my favorite part-4th stanza-. That is passionate in such a bare-faced way. Moreso than a lot of obvious sexual stuff. If anyone's not honest enough to admit they've ever felt this way (the entire poem), then you have it so explicitly for us that it feels real. Longing...well, I'm with you. You have me convinced that is the feeling one attributes to this desire for drinking in the fire. Like poems that make my brain go "wow-let's get over here from THIS angle & look at things!"
    Cleo
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by CleoCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this.

    i can relate to this, in a sense.

    i don't want to pry but it's hard not to when commenting on your stuff because it's so damn revealing and true to yourself that i suppose it's not prying but ugh, don't forgive me if i offend cuz i would have said it if i knew any way but this is what i have to say and it's not ment to offend.

    this makes sense to me as far as the persona or sub-concious persona i have gathered from your other writings. as a poem it's pure and beautiful for that and just for that alone this is a favorite. the angel has been killed since the first write i have seen from you and this is like dancing in it's ashes.

    This seems connected to the self destructive nature that you seem to have and i can relate to in my own ways which differ in some aspects but i know the pain. i know the morbid intoxication and the distortion of reality it brings. i know not wanting it to go away. i know of not wanting to want the things i want. i can relate to this that way cuz that's what i see in this.

    This is beautiful.

    Ryan
    | Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      This was great! I, too, like that smell. It smells so natural. if I'm making any sense at all. Anyway. -clears throat- This was good. You did a very good job on protraying a mental image of a fire (for me, a forest fire.) My favorite parts:

    Every breath is heavy with smoke and mesquite

    When you donít know if itís only leaves
    Or if thereís a slight hint of charred human flesh
    Blending with the late summer heat

    The scent of destruction has never been more enticing

    And you should be sickened
    Repulsed by the acrid scent of death
    That clings to every hair follicle
    Taints every bare inch of skin

    There is nothing I would change at all. You are very talented. Keep up the good work, and please comment on something of mine. Thanks.

    Keep it up.

    -Lexie

    <33
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by RawrFlowers | [ Reply to This ]


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