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    dots Submission Name: Act!!!!!dots

    Author: daniel05
    ASL Info:    16/male/LA
    Elite Ratio:    6.11 - 92/52/7
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 738
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 708

       This is just another unorthodox piece.. written with the purpose of striking thoughts in my readers.. please be blunt and to the point

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    You hear my cries
    But can you hear my thoughts??

    Everybody tries to assume they know.....

    But only those
    Who I have seen
    The terror of
    being a teen

    The tools are plentiful in this day and age..

    A solitary pen
    These items
    Make amends

    Fantasies can only be filled with actions....

    No matter
    How good they seem
    Will never
    Make a difference

    Unless those who have the thoughts
    And those who decide to live the dreams


    Submitted on 2005-08-18 14:31:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      daniel .. this is a powerful write .. this is the kind of diretion and motivation we need to get the balls rolling and to get change to take on a new form. It is motivating to see that you shout this out with such determination.

    I thought your form did the poem good justice .. the faster pace moving short lines , to get caught up in the long line to chew on, and thn race down along the short lines to the next longer line.. this is nicely done.

    You hear my cries
    But can you hear my thoughts??

    I think my is not necessary in either of these lines ..you hear cries/but can you hear thoughts ? .. is a much more universal tone.. without the I and the my you are talking about more than just yourself..which you of course are here .. i think ... and the reader feels that he can relate more ... mostly ..

    I agree with ted that there is something wrong with the second stanza ..

    But only those
    Who I have seen
    The terror of
    being a teen

    ..if we take away the I ..it makes grammatical sense. Everyone has been a teen though, and everyone who is not a teen will frown at this .. and think to themselves 'i've been a teen' ..seen the terror .. teenage years are often seen as a terror regardless of how intense or true it is ..it's a rough period in life until you realise that life doesn't get easier ..anyways..I think i still might know what you are meaning to say behind the 'I' format ..
    Maybe if you replaced 'I have seen' with remember .. like;

    But only those
    Who remember
    The terror of
    being a teen

    .good write dan ..cheers,

    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Daniel ;0)

    Very simple ;0) But that is not bad. I must say you really have something on your mind, so keep it coming ;0) Like the other poem, I think you should try to work with the flow, because it looses it magic further down. You have some strong sentences, where you are trying to push other to fill their fantasies with action, pushing others to live their dreams and that is a great thing to do. So try to make your poems more solid and work on the flow ;0)

    Keep writing, you really have something on your mind ;0)

    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      gheesh...the life of a bullied teen in today's society. people arent safe anymore-bully of bullied. everybody is screwed no matter if you are part of the situation or not. karma makes the world go round right? interesting topic...leaves me wondering what inspired you just to write such a piece, one of teen lives? act-i dont know if this is advice for self-defense against teen to teen abuse or what? however i like it. its short simple and to the point. cool piece.

    later days
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by fiery_eyes | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess I can agree with this being a teen myself and living the worst that could possibly happen. I agree also that if you don't do anything you cant change anything. I personally think that weapons shloud be abolished and people should fight with their own tools... their fists... And only if absolutely needed. I dont think there should be knifes or guns. Actually though only the ones who are not teens yet dont understand. fore everyone else are either teens living and dealing with it now or used to deal with it. I personally think that people should act. Well anywya you did a nice job here.

    take care
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]
      pretty good at explaining the right to act. you should defend yourself but are you saying with violence? couldnt really interpreate exactly how to act. but i liked the way you wrote this. every word was so strong and powerful.

    A solitary pen
    These items
    Make amends

    i just kept reading this part over and over again. the thought behind it interest me.
    | Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]

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