A Plea...... by pj5

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Submission Name: A Plea...... dots

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Author:	pj5
ASL Info:	37/f/IOWA
Elite Ratio:	4.25 - 40/41/10
Words:	124

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	207
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	730

Description:

A Plea...... dots

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A Plea......

My life today is a little crazy,
I sure don't feel like no daisy.
I wander from here to there,
in hopes that maybe you care.
I'm not sure what today will bring,
I hope maybe a ring.
My attempt to get you to notice me,
is being washed away by my plea.
An effort to get your respect,
it has a hard effect.
My longing for you is easy to read,
it is you that I need.
My love is like the sun with its many rays,
I want to love you each and every day.
I need to tell you the true matter,
without you my heart shatters.
Please except my plea,
don't run away from me.

Submitted on 2005-08-19 11:31:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Hmm. This was good. I liked the general idea, but the rhyming was either inconsistent or forced, and it did take away from the overall effect. I'll do my best to be helpful.

Crazy/dasiy is actually a good rhyme pair, something I never came across. Although, this line:

I sure don't feel like no daisy.

Would sound much better as:

I sure don't feel like a daisy.

I do see the effect you were looking for, although the use of incorrect grammar takes away from the feeling of those two lines.

Bring/ring lines...the beat was off, and I had to read those lines twice to establish a set rhythem. The idea was also a little clichéd. The same thing goes for read/need and respect/effect. You can add colorful words, to make the beat consistent and add some flavor to the poem, which is a little on the boring side.

Rays/day...you would have to make 'day' plural for this to rhyme. Same with matter/shattes.

The ending was strong and I liked it. I would revise, if you wish. I would also apperciate some comments on any of my poetry. Please and thank you.

-Lexie

P.S. Don't take this the wrong way. When I write poetry to vent, I don'y pay attention to the technical stuff. This would be great if revised.
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by RawrFlowers | [ Reply to This ]
  hey
um I´m sure it would be a nice poem if you get the flow right...please work on that its not nice reading it when you´re being interrupted by those errors all the time...or maybe you want it like that...
made me feel like really spending all your time on somebody...strange but (maybe) love
Jimi james
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by Jimi James | [ Reply to This ]
  well...it might have potential. it sounded mostly like all you were trying to do was rhyme...which is good and all, but it took away the natural flow and feel to it. keep practicing, i think you have potential.
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by Sweets | [ Reply to This ]
  short and sweet. I like it. Yes maybe it needs some work but i feel that i reads well adnd makes ense to me.
Its not meant to be a story or a poem, its how you feel clear and simple.
Its good that you can get in touch with your feelings and write them down.
Put your foot down girl, change your hair and smile, he will someday take notice, in the meantime go out and enjoy yourself...

The one part that stands out clear is the part about a ring, this rings bells with me.
I think that we can relate to this as we all have a one stage been suck on a rollercoaster of love.

Keep up the good work.
Bailey19
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by Bailey19 | [ Reply to This ]
  I just posted a poem recently where I guess the rhyme scheme was too tough for my talents at present. Well here you're getting the same sort of feedback. It locks away the emotion of the poem and that's frustrating because I can feel it wanting to come out. So, either go to freeverse or spend some more time on it. Either way you've got a challenge there to let the raw feeling out. Hope you're up for it
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this poem. To be frank, for about two years I wrought poems much like this (not completely but much) about a girl. From sixth grade till eigth. I went with her for two years and then we grew appart in highshool. Shame, but a little hint, it may not be as great as you thought when you get the guy.

Good luck
Ghost Child
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by Ghost Child | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this. I love poems that rhyme. I know not a lot of people on this site do...wel I shouldn't say not a lot but ya kno what i mean? I think one line was kind of messy or needed work...which changing one line isn't a biggy.

I sure don't feel like no daisy.

I think it could be " I sure don't feel like any dasiy" Or even "I sure don't feel like a daisy"...No just doesn't really flow. Great job again!!!

Mikki
x3
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]

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