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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Last Entriesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 686
    Class/Type: Prose/Death
    Total Views: 861
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3646



    Description:
       The last few diary entries of a young girl who's dying from some disease. I'd like a critique from a stylistic point of view.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Last Entriesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    August 11, 2005 7:00 am

    indent.I was released from the hospital yesterday. My family had requested it, although I wasnít really looking forward to spending my last day with them. Iíve been thinking about what to do with my remaining time for about six months, but all my plans were abandoned when I was hit with the reality of dying.

         Death is a constant battle, or at least thatís what doctors and nurses think, so Iíve been on meds and doing therapy ever since the diagnosis. All I wanted to do was give up, but all the damned technology they use now takes choice out of the equation. I always thought I would go kayaking or mountain climbing, but after a month of treatment I was much too tired for any of that. So Iíve perfected my chess game with some of the doctors. Now even that is too taxing.

         My mom wants me to go to school and see all my friends, but that would be torture on all of us. Everyone would be crying. Everyone would be careful around me, and looking at me, and whatís the use in going to school to learn when Iíll be dead by tomorrow?

         My mom is coming in now.


    August 11, 2005 4:05 pm

         I was right. School was hell. All my friends were crying and reminiscing and saying how much they would miss me. I just sat and watched them. I tried to comfort a few of them, but it didnít work too well. Iím not a crier, and if I were up for the fight I would have told them all to shut up. My mom made me go, and she even made me do my homework when I got home. So, of course, Iím exhausted.

         Weíre going out to dinner in about half an hour. As usual, no one really cares about my preferences. They all want to do the ďnormalĒ, cheesy stuff thatís supposed to make a family closer. That means theyíre all going to cry. I hate going out to dinner. I donít like to be around people. To make things worse, itís a fancy place up in Wilmington called Hibachi. Iíll finally get to try sushi squid, but I donít think Iíll get to really enjoy it. Oh well, Iíll get to wear the dress I made for prom. Itís like a forties dress with a pleated skirt, and itís a really beautiful off-white color. I wear a black shrug over it that ties in the back with gold ribbon. My mom just gave me the shoes I wanted to wear with it. They look like ballet slippers and theyíre white with off-white beading. I hope she returns them after I die, though, because they were really expensive.


    August 11, 2005 9:00 pm

         Well, dinner wasnít as bad as I thought it would be. My mom and dad did a lot of reminiscing while I nodded and tuned them out. The squid was good. Iím really tired now. Iím trying not to feel the presence of death, but itís like when you know someone is in the room but theyíre not. You try to ignore it, but thereís always that feeling in the back of your mind.

         Iíve never been afraid of death, but Iím finally facing the doubts that Iíve had about my religion. I want to repent of everything Iíve done, just in case, and I want to go say Iím sorry to everyone that Iíve hurt, but I canít. Iím scared about what will happen after I die. Iím kind of hoping that there isnít anything there, but I also want to believe that God exists. I donít know anymore. Iím too tired to write anymore, so I guess Iíll just have to find out.




    Submitted on 2005-08-20 08:27:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      stylistically? well first off i'd say (and i'm going to critique here despite the delicate subject matter) that there needs to be some sort of buildup- the write needs to stand on its own, not have the basis built up in the description, because when's the last time you saw a description in a published work- there may be a foreward or something along those lines, a summary of events. What i'm trying to say is that A) it's obvious she's dying without the desription- blatantly obvious. B) that's ok. SO, either work the description in, or get rid of it.
    As far as plausability, it's rare that someone knows the day they are going to die... i'd rather that the main character FEEL he/she is going to die (when you give up, you generally DO die in these cases) and have the family unaware... of course, that's a different scenario. as far as what you've given, i just can't take it seriously. The reactions are genuine, but the situation is not. Also the last entry focuses on what she probably would've been thinking about a LOT by this time... it needs introduction in some previous entry.

    Just to sum up what i think about it
    *genuine reactions
    *iffy situtation
    *lack of consistent theme besides the broad category of "i'm dying"
    *it needs to be expanded, but not drug out.

    *Also i think that you are a competent writer who simply didn't put too much effort into this particular piece. We don't know anything about this girl previously, so it's hard to identify with her. She says some true things that i can definitely see someone in this situation thinking, but not very thoughtfully, almost as if she's been spoon-fed the lines to a semi-original play and just kind of says her lines and walks offstage. I did enjoy reading it, and i realize the difficulty in tackling this particular subject. The format of a diary is interesting- as far as form i think diary entries spaced closer and closer together (while slowing down the pace of the story as each progesses and she becomes weaker) would work better. Furthermore, I think that you could vastly improve upon the present work with a lot of effort- it's up to you whether it's worth it.
    | Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      this was interesting. im not for sure if this is real or not. cuz this has the date of this year in august in it so im not for sure. but there was a lot of things that made it realistic. you could feel her feelings about what she thought of her dying in the future and how she didnt want people to treat her as if she was dying. cuz im sure most people dont want to be treated that way before they die. but im still pondering if this is a real entry or not but if it isnt its good.

    brenna
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I hope my last days aren't spent like this. It didn't strike me as realistic. I'd be drunk. Hopelessly, soggy-bottomed drunk EVERY remaining day, and God save the person who approached me with a pleated skirt in my final moments... I might take'em with me to the other side.
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,

    First, I want to say is when a person is so young dying, let him/her enjoy their last days to the fullest. Meaning, total enjoyment of all. We hate to see a person "go" but let them go out in style. This was a good write. take care, wanda
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]


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