August 11, 2005 7:00 am
indent.I was released from the hospital yesterday. My family had requested it, although I wasnít really looking forward to spending my last day with them. Iíve been thinking about what to do with my remaining time for about six months, but all my plans were abandoned when I was hit with the reality of dying.
Death is a constant battle, or at least thatís what doctors and nurses think, so Iíve been on meds and doing therapy ever since the diagnosis. All I wanted to do was give up, but all the damned technology they use now takes choice out of the equation. I always thought I would go kayaking or mountain climbing, but after a month of treatment I was much too tired for any of that. So Iíve perfected my chess game with some of the doctors. Now even that is too taxing.
My mom wants me to go to school and see all my friends, but that would be torture on all of us. Everyone would be crying. Everyone would be careful around me, and looking at me, and whatís the use in going to school to learn when Iíll be dead by tomorrow?
My mom is coming in now.
August 11, 2005 4:05 pm
I was right. School was hell. All my friends were crying and reminiscing and saying how much they would miss me. I just sat and watched them. I tried to comfort a few of them, but it didnít work too well. Iím not a crier, and if I were up for the fight I would have told them all to shut up. My mom made me go, and she even made me do my homework when I got home. So, of course, Iím exhausted.
Weíre going out to dinner in about half an hour. As usual, no one really cares about my preferences. They all want to do the ďnormalĒ, cheesy stuff thatís supposed to make a family closer. That means theyíre all going to cry. I hate going out to dinner. I donít like to be around people. To make things worse, itís a fancy place up in Wilmington called Hibachi. Iíll finally get to try sushi squid, but I donít think Iíll get to really enjoy it. Oh well, Iíll get to wear the dress I made for prom. Itís like a forties dress with a pleated skirt, and itís a really beautiful off-white color. I wear a black shrug over it that ties in the back with gold ribbon. My mom just gave me the shoes I wanted to wear with it. They look like ballet slippers and theyíre white with off-white beading. I hope she returns them after I die, though, because they were really expensive.
August 11, 2005 9:00 pm
Well, dinner wasnít as bad as I thought it would be. My mom and dad did a lot of reminiscing while I nodded and tuned them out. The squid was good. Iím really tired now. Iím trying not to feel the presence of death, but itís like when you know someone is in the room but theyíre not. You try to ignore it, but thereís always that feeling in the back of your mind.
Iíve never been afraid of death, but Iím finally facing the doubts that Iíve had about my religion. I want to repent of everything Iíve done, just in case, and I want to go say Iím sorry to everyone that Iíve hurt, but I canít. Iím scared about what will happen after I die. Iím kind of hoping that there isnít anything there, but I also want to believe that God exists. I donít know anymore. Iím too tired to write anymore, so I guess Iíll just have to find out.