Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Vanisheddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: musclebound350
    ASL Info:    26/male
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 197/202/70
    Words: 367
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 876
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2334



    Description:
       Someone from the site commented on a poem and said I should just write and forget about the rhyming. Well I gave it a shot. Instead of re writing that poem I wrote this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVanisheddots
    -------------------------------------------


    as the sun begins to fade
    and the moon begins to rise
    the temperature drops
    a slight breeze passes through

    the silence of the atmosphere
    eases the mind of the world
    the sound of the crickets
    gives a distinct mellow tone

    the wooden boards creek
    as I rock in my chair
    I extend my legs to the rail
    my hands rest behind my head

    The lantern glows
    giving light to the porch
    the moths are drawn in
    they gather by the light

    as quiet as the atmosphere
    but distinct as the crickets
    no where to be seen
    without the lanterns light

    the sound of footsteps is near
    a slow pace to walk
    soft and quiet steps
    as each foot hits the ground

    a shadow shown by the lantern light
    a figure walking closer
    at eye level and long flowing hair
    it is a woman coming closer

    I raise from my chair quickly
    it rocks back and forth
    I rush to the lantern
    to bring light to her way

    The soft tone of her voice
    the gentle touch of her skin
    a new experience
    a new chapter to my life

    the moon begins to fade
    and the sun begins to show
    the temperature lifts
    theres a clear blue sky

    the birds sing a melody
    a happy tune to hear
    as time passes quickly
    no longer am I in tears

    happiness forever
    a dream of mine come true
    no longer alone here
    she is the one I love

    picked up when I was down
    tears wiped away
    she held me close to her
    shes the one that held my heart

    but like a shadow that came to me
    she vanished without a trace
    I stand alone at my house
    an explanation I try to think

    the memories and laughter
    the tears wiped away
    the secrets shared
    no she suddenly left me

    the silence of the atmosphere
    eases the mind of the world
    the sound of the crickets
    gives a distinct mellow tone

    rocking in my chair
    by the lantern light
    watching the sun fade away
    and the moon begin to rise




    Submitted on 2005-08-20 14:33:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The visual of this was nice. I imagined sitting next to you on a porch swing and watching it happen. and it almost broke my heart. The lantern gave this poem a country feel it to. kinda makes me miss home... but not the heart ache. i personally think this is a depressed poem or maybe a longing poem. but thats because you did a good job at bringing in the emptiness of sitting on the porch, waiting for a girl that may never come back.
    | Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by dancer06 | [ Reply to This ]
      well, this is a good poem, i'd have to have that there is nothing wrong with rytheming all the time, and or not rytheming at all, with this one it goes well at some places then it does other, you have a better flow in someof the stanzas but in a few it is there and then the last line or the last word just stops it, going over this might be able to fix that but i think that it needs a little work. for me this really wasn't a drepressed poem is was more lof a love sick kind, the guy wants the girl she's there and then she is gone.

    ~liz~
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      I think, as far as rhyming goes in poetry, you need to have a simple pattern, or not rhyme at all. As for the structure of this particular poem... Not too shabby! I really like how it circles back to the beginning, didn't see it coming, but it works nicely. It can be tough to write poems like that, that actually make sense.
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Cetilearo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    71365

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry