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Author: musclebound350
ASL Info:    26/male
Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 197 /202 /70
Words: 367
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1089
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2334


Someone from the site commented on a poem and said I should just write and forget about the rhyming. Well I gave it a shot. Instead of re writing that poem I wrote this.


as the sun begins to fade
and the moon begins to rise
the temperature drops
a slight breeze passes through

the silence of the atmosphere
eases the mind of the world
the sound of the crickets
gives a distinct mellow tone

the wooden boards creek
as I rock in my chair
I extend my legs to the rail
my hands rest behind my head

The lantern glows
giving light to the porch
the moths are drawn in
they gather by the light

as quiet as the atmosphere
but distinct as the crickets
no where to be seen
without the lanterns light

the sound of footsteps is near
a slow pace to walk
soft and quiet steps
as each foot hits the ground

a shadow shown by the lantern light
a figure walking closer
at eye level and long flowing hair
it is a woman coming closer

I raise from my chair quickly
it rocks back and forth
I rush to the lantern
to bring light to her way

The soft tone of her voice
the gentle touch of her skin
a new experience
a new chapter to my life

the moon begins to fade
and the sun begins to show
the temperature lifts
theres a clear blue sky

the birds sing a melody
a happy tune to hear
as time passes quickly
no longer am I in tears

happiness forever
a dream of mine come true
no longer alone here
she is the one I love

picked up when I was down
tears wiped away
she held me close to her
shes the one that held my heart

but like a shadow that came to me
she vanished without a trace
I stand alone at my house
an explanation I try to think

the memories and laughter
the tears wiped away
the secrets shared
no she suddenly left me

the silence of the atmosphere
eases the mind of the world
the sound of the crickets
gives a distinct mellow tone

rocking in my chair
by the lantern light
watching the sun fade away
and the moon begin to rise

Submitted on 2005-08-20 14:33:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  The visual of this was nice. I imagined sitting next to you on a porch swing and watching it happen. and it almost broke my heart. The lantern gave this poem a country feel it to. kinda makes me miss home... but not the heart ache. i personally think this is a depressed poem or maybe a longing poem. but thats because you did a good job at bringing in the emptiness of sitting on the porch, waiting for a girl that may never come back.
| Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by dancer06 | [ Reply to This ]
  well, this is a good poem, i'd have to have that there is nothing wrong with rytheming all the time, and or not rytheming at all, with this one it goes well at some places then it does other, you have a better flow in someof the stanzas but in a few it is there and then the last line or the last word just stops it, going over this might be able to fix that but i think that it needs a little work. for me this really wasn't a drepressed poem is was more lof a love sick kind, the guy wants the girl she's there and then she is gone.

| Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
  I think, as far as rhyming goes in poetry, you need to have a simple pattern, or not rhyme at all. As for the structure of this particular poem... Not too shabby! I really like how it circles back to the beginning, didn't see it coming, but it works nicely. It can be tough to write poems like that, that actually make sense.
| Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Cetilearo | [ Reply to This ]

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