Vanished
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Description:
Someone from the site commented on a poem and said I should just write and forget about the rhyming. Well I gave it a shot. Instead of re writing that poem I wrote this.
Vanished
as the sun begins to fade and the moon begins to rise the temperature drops a slight breeze passes through the silence of the atmosphere eases the mind of the world the sound of the crickets gives a distinct mellow tone the wooden boards creek as I rock in my chair I extend my legs to the rail my hands rest behind my head The lantern glows giving light to the porch the moths are drawn in they gather by the light as quiet as the atmosphere but distinct as the crickets no where to be seen without the lanterns light the sound of footsteps is near a slow pace to walk soft and quiet steps as each foot hits the ground a shadow shown by the lantern light a figure walking closer at eye level and long flowing hair it is a woman coming closer I raise from my chair quickly it rocks back and forth I rush to the lantern to bring light to her way The soft tone of her voice the gentle touch of her skin a new experience a new chapter to my life the moon begins to fade and the sun begins to show the temperature lifts theres a clear blue sky the birds sing a melody a happy tune to hear as time passes quickly no longer am I in tears happiness forever a dream of mine come true no longer alone here she is the one I love picked up when I was down tears wiped away she held me close to her shes the one that held my heart but like a shadow that came to me she vanished without a trace I stand alone at my house an explanation I try to think the memories and laughter the tears wiped away the secrets shared no she suddenly left me the silence of the atmosphere eases the mind of the world the sound of the crickets gives a distinct mellow tone rocking in my chair by the lantern light watching the sun fade away and the moon begin to rise |
Submitted on 2005-08-20 14:33:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments
The visual of this was nice. I imagined sitting next to you on a porch swing and watching it happen. and it almost broke my heart. The lantern gave this poem a country feel it to. kinda makes me miss home... but not the heart ache. i personally think this is a depressed poem or maybe a longing poem. but thats because you did a good job at bringing in the emptiness of sitting on the porch, waiting for a girl that may never come back.| | Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by dancer06 | [ Reply to This ] | well, this is a good poem, i'd have to have that there is nothing wrong with rytheming all the time, and or not rytheming at all, with this one it goes well at some places then it does other, you have a better flow in someof the stanzas but in a few it is there and then the last line or the last word just stops it, going over this might be able to fix that but i think that it needs a little work. for me this really wasn't a drepressed poem is was more lof a love sick kind, the guy wants the girl she's there and then she is gone. | ~liz~ | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ] | I think, as far as rhyming goes in poetry, you need to have a simple pattern, or not rhyme at all. As for the structure of this particular poem... Not too shabby! I really like how it circles back to the beginning, didn't see it coming, but it works nicely. It can be tough to write poems like that, that actually make sense. | | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by Cetilearo | [ Reply to This ] | |
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