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Pain Inside


Author: giver_of_death
Elite Ratio:    4.09 - 106 /72 /18
Words: 197
Class/Type: Misc /The pain inside
Total Views: 1137
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
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Description:


Please read and help me edit it in anyway you can.


Pain Inside



Will I ever get a normal day
Where no one will yell
and no one hates me for no reason
I'm locked in my room

All the words out of my Mom's mouth
They will scar me for life
All my pian is inside
Words are never forgiven

I want to go oneday without getting kicked out
I didn't do anything to her
but she doesn't want me around
I guess I should go

Always getting blamed for the breakup
I didn't do anything
but she can't see that
through all the hate she has towards me

I sit and try not to cry
Thats how she gets me everytime
Cries and then yells
When will it be done

The only thing she can't control are my thoughts
I don't think anything bad about her
but she does about me
How can she say I love you and not mean it

I do love my Mom
but she gets mad over nothing
Drunk almost everynight
I can't take this

This is my life everyday
How do I live like this
it doesn't really matter now
Because its over for me




Submitted on 2005-08-20 16:00:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  My mom used to be like that.

"How can she say I love you and not mean it"

That's a good question. I hate that. For some probably rediculous reason, I just won't let myself believe people when they say they love me. I don't know why. I guess it's cause I have before, and it all went wrong.
I mean, if actions really do speak louder than words, and someones words say "I love you" when their actions are saying "I cant f***ing stand you," then I would believe the action.
lol If that even makes sence.
...But you know what I mean.

I love the way you wrote this. You express yourself beautifully.
I don't see anything I would edit if I were you. It's great as it is.
Very nicely done

-nikkki
| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very good.. because you express yourself as you want and in a good way .. i mean the srtuture and wording are ok.. but ... i have to agree with "Awkward" this sounds like a diary and this can not be mixed up .. so ill recommend it to rearreange it . jsut to get more things .. and in metaphorical way
keep on writing you have good ideas ..
peace and love
and take care!
victor!
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  you have fallen into the pooh trap of making a poem a diary, or a diary a poem.
consequently it is very self centered and it invites people to read it in one dimension only.
if you want catharsis and somewhere to vent then a gym with a heavy bag is as good a place as any.
if you want to translate your feelings and experiences into something that readers can digest without being in your room sat next to you, then you need to learn some distancing skills, some ways of breaking flow to emphasise points of your choice and last but by no means least, some punctuation skills. e.g.

Will I ever get a normal day,
where no one yells
and no one hates me for no reason?
I'm locked in my room.

read and compare - the one above is now more measured, the reader is told to take a breath by the comma and that in turn sets him up for the next line, instead of him charging headlong into it and possibly missing a message or a nuance...


if you want to learn about others' pain and despair, you could do a lot worse than reading the poems of wilfred owen and siegfried sassoon - their experiences and the way in which they related them will help put yours in context and possibly provide a handrail for your own writing.
in short mate, if you want your work to mean something to others as much as it does to you, then apply some poetic tenets - otherwise people will read it and simply move on because it is too much trouble to provide in-depth critique. thus you are left with wows and others telling you about their misery...
good luck you giver of death.
K
| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not quite sure what advise I can give you to fix this, but I can tell you what I think is wrong. The content is good and well written, but I think you need to reword some things and reformat the work. It is written like a poem (in stazas), but it doesn't flow like it should. I am sorry that you have to go through this, and I am by no means trying to say that this isn't a good write. I just think you should define what type of work it is supposed to be.
Much luck in Resolving the Situation,
LeAnna
| Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey we all got pain inside, me personally i'm not really good at putting mine on paper, but you did a great job, its a great piece of art. but like redrose said it not flowing, you just gotta open up and let it flow out of you to your pen or pencil or keyboard onto the paper. and watch your typing. keep it up, keep it coming, keep it deep.
| Posted on 2005-08-21 00:00:00 | by withblindedeyez | [ Reply to This ]
  There is an immense amount of pain in this write of yours, but I can't tell you anything that you would need to make this any better or anything that really needs editting other than the misspelled 'pain'-other than that you did a great job of getting this on paper and expressing your feelings. I hope that you feel better! Smiles to you!
Candi
| Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]


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