That's a good question. I hate that. For some probably rediculous reason, I just won't let myself believe people when they say they love me. I don't know why. I guess it's cause I have before, and it all went wrong. I mean, if actions really do speak louder than words, and someones words say "I love you" when their actions are saying "I cant f***ing stand you," then I would believe the action. lol If that even makes sence. ...But you know what I mean.
I love the way you wrote this. You express yourself beautifully. I don't see anything I would edit if I were you. It's great as it is. Very nicely done
this is very good.. because you express yourself as you want and in a good way .. i mean the srtuture and wording are ok.. but ... i have to agree with "Awkward" this sounds like a diary and this can not be mixed up .. so ill recommend it to rearreange it . jsut to get more things .. and in metaphorical way keep on writing you have good ideas .. peace and love and take care! victor!
you have fallen into the pooh trap of making a poem a diary, or a diary a poem. consequently it is very self centered and it invites people to read it in one dimension only. if you want catharsis and somewhere to vent then a gym with a heavy bag is as good a place as any. if you want to translate your feelings and experiences into something that readers can digest without being in your room sat next to you, then you need to learn some distancing skills, some ways of breaking flow to emphasise points of your choice and last but by no means least, some punctuation skills. e.g.
Will I ever get a normal day, where no one yells and no one hates me for no reason? I'm locked in my room.
read and compare - the one above is now more measured, the reader is told to take a breath by the comma and that in turn sets him up for the next line, instead of him charging headlong into it and possibly missing a message or a nuance...
if you want to learn about others' pain and despair, you could do a lot worse than reading the poems of wilfred owen and siegfried sassoon - their experiences and the way in which they related them will help put yours in context and possibly provide a handrail for your own writing. in short mate, if you want your work to mean something to others as much as it does to you, then apply some poetic tenets - otherwise people will read it and simply move on because it is too much trouble to provide in-depth critique. thus you are left with wows and others telling you about their misery... good luck you giver of death. K
I'm not quite sure what advise I can give you to fix this, but I can tell you what I think is wrong. The content is good and well written, but I think you need to reword some things and reformat the work. It is written like a poem (in stazas), but it doesn't flow like it should. I am sorry that you have to go through this, and I am by no means trying to say that this isn't a good write. I just think you should define what type of work it is supposed to be. Much luck in Resolving the Situation, LeAnna
Hey we all got pain inside, me personally i'm not really good at putting mine on paper, but you did a great job, its a great piece of art. but like redrose said it not flowing, you just gotta open up and let it flow out of you to your pen or pencil or keyboard onto the paper. and watch your typing. keep it up, keep it coming, keep it deep.
There is an immense amount of pain in this write of yours, but I can't tell you anything that you would need to make this any better or anything that really needs editting other than the misspelled 'pain'-other than that you did a great job of getting this on paper and expressing your feelings. I hope that you feel better! Smiles to you! Candi
Submission Name: Pain Inside
