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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Notice What I'm Not Doingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    58/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2779/1297/258
    Words: 53
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 730
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 473



    Description:
       I'm not doing anything to mantain the illusion of immortality, just enjoying the moments before they're gone.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNotice What I'm Not Doingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The illusory
    canvas whispers
    what we wish
    it to say; eternal
    hushed commandments,
    smooth offerings:
    soothe your pain
    with nectar,
    wash away
    the stain

    Dissimilar
    to angel's
    velvety ensemble,
    the rags of
    time remain;
    golden bars of
    sunlight
    in a pure cascade:
    a desparate
    exhalation,
    nothing gold
    can stay




    Submitted on 2005-08-22 21:10:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this piece needs more commas to make the reader read it properly... as you already have punctuation it seems right to have more as there are parts which don't flow without it.

    Hence:

    The illusory
    canvas whispers
    what we wish
    it to say(;) eternal
    hushed commandments(,)
    smooth offerings:
    soothe your pain
    with nectar,
    wash away
    the stain.

    Dissimilar
    to angel(')s
    velvety ensemble(,)
    the rags of
    time remain(;)
    golden bars of
    sunlight
    in a pure cascade(:)
    a desparate
    exhalation,
    nothing gold
    can stay(.)

    What do you reckon? Seems to flow a bit better, yea? That's my opinion on how it works out a bit nicer, but totally up to you of course.

    Hope this helps.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      ok I'll try:

    I sense a mood of fragility with approaching age. The "make-up" to make us look young for longer.

    The second half referring to the reality, the real self underneath the outer coating?
    The"desperate exhalation" maybe the lengths some will go to to maintain a youthful appearance.

    Nicely intriguing.

    be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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