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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: napkin mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hidden lady
    ASL Info:    28/female/nebraska
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 116/118/30
    Words: 17
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 100



    Description:
       it's not done but any info on what would finish it would be much apreciated. and just to let you know what it is about, I wrote it about my bro he only uses napkins to write his poetry on.


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    dotsnapkin mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    The napkin man
    has ink for his hand,
    words in his pocket,
    thoughts like sand.




    Submitted on 2005-08-22 21:52:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The napkin man
    has ink for his hand,
    words in his pocket,
    thoughts like sand.

    nice rhythm,
    and really this is a poem that you could care more about and it would look after itself like a well-watered, like a once watered rock garden.

    I think you might make this better if for example you thought about the nature of things;

    and i'm sure that with a little rearrangement that the key words in your poem could be linked by a common theme.

    Thoughts like sand.... that doesn't really tell me much.
    but just say you'd set it up so that the sand was in need of something, like water/nourishment, then you could say something along the lines of thoughts for the sand and the reader could imagine these offerings as being sustaining etc.

    Ideally you want that linkage working for you right the way through, and i understand that this is just a slice of life poem, but there's no reason why it can't be that and much more besides.
    | Posted on 2010-02-05 00:00:00 | by theAlysonDiarys | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, this is short and can be a prelude to a great write. No much else to critique here except that it can be extended, and hopefully you will do that. One question though...does he carry around any blank/spare napkins...just in case he has to blow his nose or sneeze? Dont wanna waste a good write with a bugger or a loogy, ya know? Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-08-22 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I would suggest focusing on the aspects of the napkin to expand the poem. Perhaps aspects like "paper-thin", "absorbing", "handy to use." Something that gives the reader more insight into why the subject is called Napkin man.

    This is a good start.
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think it NEEDS to be expanded. I like the brevity of it, but I'm a minimalist, so I would think that. I think I'd focus more on the words that the napkins though, but it might be cool if he made some sort of monster out of napkins that came alive with his words (I'm so weird). This is interesting, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd say you could go either way with it. It is a nice little children's rhyme as it is or you could add a few more verses and expand it. At any rate your word choice is excellent. You've managed to say so much with so little it's remarkable. Thanks.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by rankamateur | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it. I love it. It reminds me of so many things and in such few words you were able to evoke so many images! It almost reminds me of something that William Carlos Williams might have written. I like it just the way it is, unless perhaps you would want to do a second part or something... One more thing...It sounds like you are writing about a poet or an artist??
    Melancholymaid
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by melancholymaid | [ Reply to This ]


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