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    dots Submission Name: Schizophrenia for the Souldots

    Author: Naymless
    ASL Info:    15/F/phx, az
    Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 142/110/33
    Words: 248
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 888
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1593

       This poem is about a war vetran who finds himself worthy of the woman he fell in love with because of his sinful killings (I got the idea from Rurouni Kenshin). For people with questions I don't really think I can make it any clearer. Oh and just to let you know the part that is in parenthese is written from the woman's point of view.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSchizophrenia for the Souldots

    This scar is carved out just for you,
    Sincerely written with my sin,
    Holding on to but one secret,
    And the secret is the business of war,

    Donít hold my face,
    Donít touch my cheek,
    Donít go to sleep,
    Without saying good-night,

    Iíll wait outside your room,
    Waiting for that one word,
    But until then,
    You know where to find me,

    Iíll watch you,
    Through the bottom of your door,
    Singing along to your hum,
    Whispering of my love,
    To your moving shadows,

    Love sick is what I am,
    And I donít intend to get better,
    If I die of this illness,
    Iíll die with a smile,

    Kiss me on the cheek,
    And my scar will surely fade,
    Measure my jaw drop,
    As you walk in front of me,
    Wearing your heart broken smile,
    This is all I need,

    (Let me hold you,
    Just tight enough,
    To push your heart back into place,
    Just long enough,
    For you to push the image of blood out of your head,)

    Just donít think about tomorrow,
    Pull those silly thoughts out of your head,
    For while silly thoughts run through your mind,
    A river might fill your house and take you away,
    But donít worry,
    Iíll swim you back to safety,

    Just like how I let myself drown,
    In your loveliness,
    But I found sanctity within my scar,
    I know I canít have you,
    But you smile whispers otherwise.

    Submitted on 2005-08-23 21:30:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Donít hold my face,
    Donít touch my cheek,
    Donít go to sleep,
    Without saying good-night,

    These lines really hit me. I love the contradiction lying within them it really adds to the situation of the speaker.
    And here again

    If I die of this illness,
    Iíll die with a smile,

    The contradiction way of going about things are strong here, I suggest even adding more.

    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by WellEnough | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this and hope you write much more? I wrote a Viet Nam Diary intry and will post it tomarow. This was well writen and I think you should get a publist to help you get a book deal. Keep up the great work!
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      i was thinking to myself this was a great piece.and i still think its descent.it kinda left me at the end(last 2 stanzas).but then again i get lost easy.lol
    love sick is what i am
    and i dont intend to get better.
    you hit a home run with this.and everything else i said is rendered unimportant
    good work.
    i would like to see this revised a bit.if improvement is important to you.
    its not a requirment for me though

    good job


    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]
      Quite a write here, you really captured the feeling of despair and longing quite well indeed. I enjoyed feeling your pain both simply as displayed and read into. For such a young poet, I see a quite bright future indeed. Very well done. Be seeing you dear girl.
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by TechnoticQ | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont get it. towqrd the middle to the end it confused me.is the girl refusing him or pushing him away? but other than that it was good.

    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by luvy | [ Reply to This ]
      hell for the first time in a long time i'm don;'t know if she's wanting him or not. I got the first partand this is really well written, but towards the end it got crazy. I did like your choice of words. and it shock me cause from the title of it i was excepting something didn't, but besides that, it was great.
    | Posted on 2005-08-24 00:00:00 | by withblindedeyez | [ Reply to This ]

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