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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sandcastle Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Superman
    ASL Info:    17 Lady
    Elite Ratio:    7.4 - 695/375/70
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 284
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 822



    Description:
       Ok, I have another piece title Sandcastle Men that I submitted earlier, but I found this one (my first version) and now I'm not sure which one is better? The other version is kinda lyrics though where this is a poem.

    Hrm.

    Bash 'er.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSandcastle Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    We created sculpture's in the sand
    and when you grew bored
    you sighed and turned your head,
    summoning the ocean,
    as if starting all over was a simple solution.

    The moon gave you an aurora,
    the stars winked when you walked by
    and when the tide came creeping in
    we played charades on the beach,
    and sang to the dolphins.

    You chewed on your tongue
    summoning the ocean with
    a sweet tune you carried in your pocket.
    And with your shoelace untied, we ran-
    arms outstretched
    looking for the oceans solitude.

    At dawn you were gone,
    and at night I walked the shoreline,
    wrote I love You in the wet sand,
    and watched the waves rip it- you
    away.




    Submitted on 2005-08-24 19:27:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      this was neat. i read a few others and guiltily didnt comment because i didnt want to disrespect the work with a truly unworthy comment, but i had to comment this because it was lovely..
    it semi-reminded me of a song i wrote about me and a boy trying not to grow up and living in a sandcastle and then everything being washed away and us having to leave each other.. but it was much better.
    I LOVED THE END!!

    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]
      I found this to be a very calming and relaxing write
    Reading it took a lot of the days stress away
    I found this to be a very beautiful poem
    An excellent job!

    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very calming. I can hear the tide in the backgound and can see the silhouettes of two people so much in love running along the beach. You did a great job getting an illusion over to the reader. It was not too simple...yet not to complicated. You made it so that the reader was drawn in just enough but not lost.

    Bravo!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Kayla my darling, I believe this piece is the gem- but such are my own persuasions. Well done, well written, quite elagent. Holy Frijoles batman! Quite splendiferous (to quote your own visage). Cheers, my friend.
    -Q
    | Posted on 2005-08-24 00:00:00 | by TechnoticQ | [ Reply to This ]
      Over analysing this...I think that between the third and the last stanza...you should have something. More description that would lead up to the next morning...

    Maybe have the night's detail filled in there...

    Then in the last stanza...the second line...take out the "at night" and just leave it as...I walked the shoreline.

    *shrugs* Just trying to give a lil support here.

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Myeh. You know what I think of this one, when you entered it into the livejournal. I think the overall story is touching, and you used a lot of very good descriptive detail. Hmm...lets see. I think it was a lot of metaphors. *trying to remember what i said before* I think it was a bit confusing and I had to stop and reread it but now I don't know. I think it's fine now, and you should be safe just leaving it alone. Greaaat job k-la.
    *Melissa
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by frozenconscienc | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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