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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Nic's Story **Pt. 1**dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: longwinterdays
    ASL Info:    21/F/WA
    Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 204/190/64
    Words: 737
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 1271
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3896



    Description:
       I am writing my first book for and about my friend Nic that recently passed away...this is the first little part and I was hoping to get any feedback possible


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNic's Story **Pt. 1**dots
    -------------------------------------------


    As we walked into the beautifully adorned church located in Oregon, a wave of childhood memories began to come rushing back to my mind, as though I would forget them if they didnt. Memories of crying and laughing, of arguing and making up, and of course, the unforgettable memories of being given the most amazing advice on things that were over-dramatic and, looking back, probably un-needed. But soon these memories got pushed aside as grief flooded my entire being like an unwanted tsunami.

    I had been hoping to seen Nic again, even praying about it for a couple months, but this was NOT the way I had imagined it. I thought that it would be a wonderful reunion of laughter and many hours of catching up on the main highlights of our busy lives. I even realized that maybe we wouldn't have time to sit for hours, we were adults now and didn't have much time to just sit around like we did in the past. The thought of only being able to speak for a moment or two didnt even phase me, seeing as all I longed to do was see a dear friend that I hadnt talked to in a long while. But in all of my thinking, I never thought that this was what it would be like.

    This is the summer that Nic and his best friend Timmy should have gotten all of us girls back for the prank that we pulled on them two years. The girls from our church had thought up an elaborate prank to top all pranks at the camp...and we succeeded. The boys always swore that they would get us back and the year they should have gotten us back was this one. But, even if Nic and Timmy had thought about getting us back this year, that plan would have failed miserably. Not ONE of us girls that had pulled the prank attended camp this year. I guess we all just got too busy with life. Oh, but if I could turn back the hands of time, I would do anything to go to camp to see and talk to Nic again; to communicate with him one last time.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    It was just two days before I went to Oregon, that I returned to Yakima to visit my family and friends...only to find out that one of my dearest childhood friends had drowned at camp.

    I had been standing in between to rows of our multi-colored chairs at the front of the church, when a woman named Shelly grabbed my hand gently in hers and pulled me to her.



    "You heard what happened to Nic, right?" Shelly asked with a strange look on her face.

    "No, why?" I asked with a smile on my face. In my head I as thinking that he had tripped on a small rock and hurt his wrist or something else equally as nerdy. That is the way I pictured Nic, my nerdy, older brother who was always doing something clumsy.

    "Adreanna, Nic died at camp. They think he hit his head on a rock and drowned."


    Shelly looked at me with a seroiusness that I had never experienced before, but thinking that it was some kind of sick joke, I walked away and found a seat in the second row. She couldn't be telling the truth, Nic was only twenty-two and had just gotten married two years before. Thinking that Nic would pop out at any moment and yell, "Gottcha'!!!", I turned all my focus to God. I sang worship that day, Like I never had before. But something inside me snapped when we sang "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever", and I just knew, deep down inside my heart that Nic was gone and he wasn't going to jump out at me as though this was some sick April Fool's prank. Burning tears began to roll down my cheeks as I looked towards Heaven and begged God to return the one person that I could go to with anything, the one person that I never though I would lose; The only Nic that I would EVER have.




    Submitted on 2005-08-24 21:01:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The theme is good, but the writing is middle-school. Since you're 18, according to your profile, you might want to work on phrasing and pauses. I agree with Crystal that the 2nd part wasn't nearly as moving as the first part. It was almost too full of jumps.
    Have fun writing!
    | Posted on 2005-08-30 00:00:00 | by aletha_409 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. I hate losing friends. It's odd ya know I knew 4 kids who died in car accident all within 6 months. A shame. After reading the first paragraph I didn't want to go on but I did. I felt this tingling in my eye. I kept going and sure enough. I knew that he died but then seeing the words nic died. I started to cry. A single drop began to flow from my eye down my cheek. A tear drop fell for someone I never new but a tear drop fell for a friend of his, you. Wow latel I just write poems instead of talking. I dont get it. The thrid time I cried today. Yet this was not a tear shed from thought of my past. I remember when my friend said the 2 kids died in the car accident. His friend had to sit in the back of the car with broken legs and watch his friends bleed to death. Too much sadness here in the world. And people wonder why teens commit suicide. I was actually kinda happy today I put something behind me and decided to move on and i did. Just read your comment you posted to me. I thought well I guess I will see what this poem is about. Though it was good it put me in a saddened state. A mood in which I or no one enjoys. Oh well. I will talk to you later it's 3:41am and I'm going to bed now. -james
    | Posted on 2005-08-28 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this just grabbed me and pulled me in, held me there until the very end. I guess I am a sucker for the tragic, especially the real events. Maybe thats why I write about them myself. Breathtaking.

    Now to the critique. Your first part was excellently written, but the second part was not done quite as good. This is only my opinion, but I think you had too many breaks in it. Too many one line paragraphs. Something I learned from the dear Lost Sheep is that you need to put pauses where you want the reading to pause, force them to take that breath and absorb what they have just read. As I said before, you did that with the first part, but not the second.

    Also, I found a few typos in this, and if you were to run this through word or any other editing program you could fix those up rather quickly.

    In all honesty, this was a very powerful piece, and with a little reworking, will blow the reader away. I look forward to reading the continuation of the story. Until then, keep up the great work.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2005-08-24 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      So sorry to read that you lost your friend. The idea of the book is a good one. It is a great way of exploring your own feelings and remembering him.
    You have some nice lines like, ‘Memories of crying and laughing, of arguing and making up, and of course, the unforgettable memories of being given the most amazing advice on things that were over-dramatic and, looking back, probably un-needed.’
    I wondered if this line wasn't overly long. You could consider breaking it but I do like the rushed feeling. That works well. I especially like the 'probably un-needed'. I agree with Crystal that you should run this through a spell check. Also, you could drop the adjective ‘unwanted’ before tsunami as a tsunami is hardly going to be wanted.
    You have a missing word in ‘for the prank that we pulled on them two years.’ You need an ‘ago’ or something.
    I look forward to reading the next part of your story.
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]


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