Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fire, close my eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 943
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 687



    Description:
       I scribbled this after a lonely bonfire...I miss him


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFire, close my eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Watching flames
    through my fingers
    covering my eyes
    I can’t seem to picture your face
    smiling at me.

    Lean back so far
    and love those stars
    while I wish you were here
    loving me.

    Shivering in this sweatshirt
    too big and not as warm as
    your arms, your hands
    holding me.

    Laying in a chair
    knowing this is no comparison
    to your lap
    welcoming me.

    Toasting my toes
    wishing I was in bed
    with your body
    touching me.

    Closing my eyes
    I see your face, your eyes
    And they’re here
    With me.




    Submitted on 2005-08-25 19:30:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This should be placed under longing/PASSION.

    You have a most incredible grasp of passion and, unfortunately, of heartache. The longing described within this piece is so well done. You associate feeling with tangible description and do it well.

    "Toasting my toes
    wishing I was in bed
    with your body
    touching me."
    This is an extremely strong and well worded verse ~ my fave in this
    Well done Steph
    | Posted on 2007-11-08 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I've been here. Longing for someone wishing I could just see their face for a split second as I try to sketch it in my mind. This dredged up thoughts that have been abated for some time. You always have a way of communicating soooo much soooo simply. It is deffinitely a talent I feel I lack which is evident when I read the third stanza of this piece. I try to write like you and emulate your style, but I lack your skill (prolly better off I keep my own style anyway.) You're a writer I admire, and it is writing like this that shows exactly why.

    ~Brent
    | Posted on 2005-08-29 00:00:00 | by Poor_Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      good work. it had a good flow and it got the point across. it makes one think and remember their own past. i think the constant imagery of fire is also well chosen. symbolic of the torch you still carry for this person and of the passion you feel. well done.
    | Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by Sanjhana | [ Reply to This ]
      A brilliantly designed piece of work. I like the part "closing my eyes stanza" or then again the last stanza. It kind'a makes me feel whoozy and cheezy... :) and Oh yeah... What do you mean toasting your toes? You mean to toast your toes or something? By the way, I can really feel the emotions and this writing... very striking as I, myself, long also for somebody that I might say is but a dream. :)

    Anyway, keep up the good work... and always pray to God. ;)
    | Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by Ardor | [ Reply to This ]
      Description was important to this piece. Everyone knows what that first love feels like. That you can still taste them on your lips and feel their touch. Smell their saliva trails on your body. It just takes me back to those days. And when it first happens it's hard to remember every detail of them you only remember the parts that are imbued within. Great Piece.

    Semper Fidelis,
    Christopher
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Soulraven | [ Reply to This ]
      so much longing in this poem, i could feel it. wishing for a lost love again is painful and you see him everywhere and feel his touch in everything.. sometimes the memories are so painful you just have to put them away for awhile and let them be..
    i hope that you can find some healing.. it does take time.
    peace&serenity
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      i felt your emotions your sadness and longing its really good and original its got a good flow and nice imagery i like the lines

    "Laying in a chair
    knowing this is no comparison
    to your lap
    welcoming me"

    i think its clever and the sweatshirt thing was said lol. good job
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by ira | [ Reply to This ]
      Steph, you are definately progressing as a writer. I liked the longing in this piece. I too have sat and watched fires dance and replay memories of lost loves in my mind. Its kinda nice, yet kinda sucks at the same time. The sweatshirt thing...brilliant. Good piece and I like watching your talent as a writer grow. Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    71992

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry