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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Eye of the Tornadodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Inducted_Kitty
    Elite Ratio:    4.3 - 307/422/109
    Words: 290
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 318
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1876



    Description:
       This is for my son, Jeremy, who was overwhelmed by love and responsibilities...(Jeremy is on the left hand side in the white top, his brother Paul Jr. is on the right)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots The Eye of the Tornadodots
    -------------------------------------------


    Surrounded by fury and mayhem
    Dark shadows of sorrow ahead
    In innocence standing alone here
    Heart filling with cold hard dread.

    Confusion swirling round without reason
    Cyclones of difficult tasks
    Friends and foes the same people
    Just wearing different masks.

    He tries to break through the great funnel
    To get through to the safety outside
    But their hands are still holding him captive
    Afraid of an end to this ride.

    He is torn between friends and survival
    As the twister is gaining its strength
    He has so many hands reaching out now
    Hundreds of hands - miles in length.

    In his mind he is seeking survival
    In his heart he is still looking back
    To the crowd with still needy hands out
    To the cringing and fawning wolf pack.

    These were loved ones of his, he remembered
    They were friends, never ever his foes
    But their needs were much more than their friendship
    And they clung to him, singing their woes.

    Too loving a soul, and too giving
    To think that these hands would take all
    There was something inside of him saying
    They would hold him and never let fall.

    But, now standing alone in this heartache
    Desperation has taken its toll
    His eyes now have finally opened
    They still need him to fill their greed bowl.

    He can see that there is no escaping
    He can no longer fill all of their needs
    And his efforts seem not much to matter
    Nor all of his unselfish deeds.

    So, he looks right staight up through the funnel
    He sees only one route he can take
    Rising quietly, up through the storm's eye
    Leaving hands groping wild in his wake.




    Submitted on 2005-08-26 16:45:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You are a skilled writer. The thought of being torn between many different things is part of everyday life especially mine im involve d with someone im just 17 years old she is 22 with a child i haven't told my family havent really told anyone its hard cause i no my family wouldnt approve...your poem has a great point and meaning behind it alothough it made me think of my relationship it shows the struggles everyone has to face in their life.. never knowing what to do makes it worst he took his way out by just going with the tornado there are some lines in there which really brought your poem to life it paints a great image very vivid...good work
    val
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by wallya20 | [ Reply to This ]
      I appreciated the story a lot, and the imagery is excellent as well. A few comments on style...

    In the line
    Just all wearing different masks.
    the rythym would match better with Cyclones of difficult tasks if the all was eliminated
    And in this line As the twister is gaining it's strength, no apostrophe.

    I liked it a lot, keep writing.

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by thezeroman88 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's very sad those who take kindness for weakness, you have my deepest respects Cheryl. i have been generous to in my past and have been burned so many times. now its just generosity to those who wont burn me. it sucks how people can change someone. i would like to have your permission yet again to put this up as well cause it deserves to be honored.
    mike
    | Posted on 2005-08-29 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      I can so totally relate to this. Not exactly your situation for it must of been hard to write and express it all out. I wrote something like this called "Cold Concrete". This is absolutely amazing how you keep writing such strong words and you keep me reading knowin what the outcome is going to be but still, the power behind every word captivated me in the piece. And your description was flawless. This is gonna go as one of my favs.

    I am at loss with words. Your emotions are perfect, the effect behind this piece is perfect. Still, i am sorry for what you are feeling. My prayers are with you. Hope you feel better.
    Take care...Peace...Irina
    | Posted on 2005-08-27 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't want to write about your personal history and your strong feelings that generated this poem. That is really private stuff and you might appreciate our sympathy which we gladly give you, but not our comments.
    So I shall comment merely on the typos, the rhyme, rhythm and such like.
    I would leave out the "all" in this line:
    "Friends and foes all the same people"

    This line sounds very awkward and needs reworking:
    "Hands one hundred miles in length."
    Maybe:"Hundreds of hand-miles in length."

    As do these two lines"
    "To the crowd who still have needy hands out
    To the wanting and still begging pack"
    Maybe something like"
    "To the crowd with still needy hands out,
    To the cringing and fawning wolf pack."
    And there is something wrong with the metre of this line:
    "They would never let me take that fall.
    Try for example"
    "They would hold him and never let fall."
    No apostrophe in "its" in this line please:
    "Desperation has taken it's toll". Believe it or not, the possessive adjective "its" has no more need of an apostrophe than its fellow "his"!
    This line:
    "He can no longer fill all their needs" would be better as;"He can no longer fill all of their needs" and this line:"Nor do all his unselfish deeds." would be better as :"Nor all of his unselfish deeds."
    These are the merest tweaks I have made to your rhythm, but that is all good rhythm needs, just a word or syllable changed here and there so that the stress pattern falls in the right place. All you really need to do is to sound out the poem in your own head until you get it exactly right.
    | Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Cheryl,
    First and formost, I'm sorry about Jeremy. You know we try our hardest to protect our kids. We can't pick their friends for them. It's sad when so called friends take advantage of that kindhearted person. I'm thinking on the same line as Nirvana, Did Jeremy take his own life? The poem reflects this especially the last two stanzas. My heart goes out to you Cheryl and your other son. I'm glad you are able to express thru your writes about Jeremy. He is still alive in your heart and in your memories. You take care Cheryl and give your son Paul Jr a hug for me. A great write!...wanda
    | Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...i dont really understand how he died...it sounds like suicide though. i am sooo sorry for your loss...this was the best poem ive read all day...im adding it to my favorites list. this write was unique, i have never heard of anything that sounded quite like that...the emotion...was just...wow. incredible. sad, longing, hopelessness...all at the same time, accented impressively with the flow and the words of the poem. the meaning is great...once again...im sorry for your loss. great write though

    -nirvana
    | Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by Nirvana | [ Reply to This ]
      "Friends and foes the same people
    Just wearing different masks."

    The two lines of the poem that really screamed out to me, that I really felt I could relate to as (unfortunately) an emotionally unstable, problematic, smart-ass, and extremely lost and confused 15-year old girl. Those lines are an elegant description of an emotion I face constantly...and it never fails to respectfully silence me as I realize, yet another time, the amazing interlocked connection of writers...their similar joys, secret burnings of desire, the same clean rays of hope, and underneath it all, at least one dark twisted strand of sorrow that ties them together.

    Thank you, for unraveling your strand of thread to share a love for your child that I will admire and envy sincerely. I cannot say that I truly understand what you're feeling, but from a different viewpoint, I think I have an idea. You're so brave, and as for hands reaching, well that's what this site is all about. Holding hands through our words, through our sharing of stories, dreams, ideas...And it's funny, this site. I've probably shared with you, from this still slightly vague comment, more about myself than my closest friends and even biological family know. So strange how we can be more ourselves with strangers...thanks to an amazing site and the anonymosity of being online...

    :-)i wish you all the best,

    -Cherie
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by throughmyvoice | [ Reply to This ]


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