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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Father I Have Sinneddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Naymless
    ASL Info:    15/F/phx, az
    Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 142/110/33
    Words: 401
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 722
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2576



    Description:
       Well this is another poem, but its not like the one I submitted in the past few days, its more complicated. Anyways its about a killer who has come to terms with his madness, but asks God for forgiveness.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFather I Have Sinneddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Help me father I have sinned,
    Help me father I cannot see,
    Help me father I canít feel anything,
    But this madness that builds around me,
    And it calls for me once more,

    Why did I do it?
    I can be so guilty,
    But the answer still remains at the grave yard,
    And my hands donít seem to come clean,

    I do canít bring myself to fall once more,
    Everything made sense then,
    It was just for fun,
    I didnít expect it to go this far,
    Far enough to reach hell,
    And I hadnít fully reconsidered,
    And didnít think it couldíve happened,

    But farther I couldíve stopped it,
    But why didnít I stop,
    Why did I let it continue?
    And father it just happened and I froze,
    I didnít stop them,
    The voices that consoled me,
    And they threw me into this world I did not know,

    I still wake up in the middle of the night,
    Hoping that in the morning that Iíll be gone,
    But no,
    I still see them-those demons,
    Nothing has changed,
    The bodyís still there,
    They still dance in my mind,
    Only proving that Iím insane,

    So father please help me,
    Help with these sins,
    Help me save them,
    All of them,
    Everyone who I stole their life from,
    Everyone I threw into those coffins,
    Everyone that Iíve killed,
    Stop them from dancing,
    They kill me often,
    With such guilt,

    They come to me every night,
    Laughing and playing,
    Singing that horrible song,
    Although it brings tears to my eyes,
    I find it annoying,

    That song of bitter-sweet joy,

    When I stare at them,
    Through the shadows of their death,
    They sing the song louder,
    As if to sing to me,
    And the song gets stuck in my head,

    This makes no sense,
    What is my purpose?
    Am I to stay on this earth?
    Only to be punished?

    Iím sorry for what Iíve done,
    As I pray,
    I apologize to them,
    When I cry myself to sleep,
    I cry for them,
    But why do they still come to me,

    So father will you please help me,
    Father, will you let them rest peacefully,
    Father I am sorry,
    For killing them,
    For killing myself,
    And this storyís happy ending,
    But this story isnít a fairy tail,
    Itís just a sad documentary.





    Submitted on 2005-08-28 15:12:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A chance on redemption? Very interesting, I followed the poem throughout and its concrete descriptions imbue interesting points about the sinner. Its rather unmetered, but its the meaning that matters. Poetic strategies can always be worked on later, but I think what matters at this point is conveying your meaning successfully troughout the poem which you have shown that you can do such a thing
    Cheers! Continue to write
    Yours
    Alexis Von Kaufmann
    | Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by YoungWerther | [ Reply to This ]
      hey this is fantastic i like how you put yourself in deaths chamber i have witten alot of these but havent seen anyone post yet
    great story line
    thanx for your comment on into my soul the 2nd part was posted today this will be my 9th book posted in sections hope you enjoy
    thanx again fo you kind wods and great stories to read
    Sandman
    | Posted on 2005-08-29 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah i like this too ...I can feel the frustration in it ...the desperation ...all of that ...and it wasnt pepped up ...it seemed to be very honest and yeah ....i have nothing bad to say about it ...:)
    | Posted on 2005-08-29 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. I think you give a lot of details in this. In a way this kind of reminds me about the play Macbeth. I found this write very interesting. Seems to me as kind of a story in the form of a poem.

    So father please help me,
    Help with these sins,
    Help me save them,
    All of them,
    Everyone who I stole their life from,
    Everyone I threw into those coffins,
    Everyone that Iíve killed,
    Stop them from dancing,
    They kill me often,
    With such guilt,

    I really really like that stanza. it shows how much guilt he feels and whatnot.

    ~~>Mikki
    | Posted on 2005-08-28 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one a lot. Very nice write, I havn't seen anything like it before. I think I'm going to twist it a bit and incorperate the idea into a roleplay of mine, i fyou don't mind...-wanders off pondering-
    ~Sicobe R. Crow
    | Posted on 2005-08-28 00:00:00 | by Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't really enjoy this one as much as I could have. I can't put my finger on why, exactly. But I think it was just word choice and little things like that. I liked the concept though, about the murderer coming to terms with his madness. However, I DID like the part:
    They come to me every night,
    Laughing and playing,
    Singing that horrible song,
    Although it brings tears to my eyes,
    I find it annoying.
    It's like he's reforming but there's still that part of him he cannot deny.
    | Posted on 2005-08-28 00:00:00 | by Mrs Peabody | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    72290

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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