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    dots Submission Name: Montagedots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 402


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    After you spoke your vindictive words,
    I saw our relationship flash before me
    in a well-edited montage:
    flirt, kiss, smile, sex, accusations,
    carefully selected visions.
    Then I saw my shocked face.
    I was out of my body.
    I almost thought I'd died
    until my heart beat resounded
    like a timpani in my chest

    Submitted on 2004-04-15 19:51:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I love the idea here, with the montage of memories and all. But I think that you could use it more effectively. Basically, a rewrite is in order. You have the scaffolding of a great write. Remember Mad Libs? Well, do that with this poem it could be a lot better. Now don't get mad at me for being so pompous.
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Again...I loved this piece. Mostly it seems to be so true. The impossibly hurtful words causing a chain reaction, forcing you to reevaluate your whole relationship....that does feel like an out of body experience because it all happens so fast and without planning, without your permission even, all in the space of a heartbeat....

    I think that is why I feel the words, "in a well-edited montage", don't feel like truth...(to me) I guess it would be more real to me if the images would come flying in no particular fashion...when we get all emotional it does not seem that our minds would take the time to neatly package all the good and bad times....

    Anyway...this is just my take on this piece. You always give me things to think about....
    | Posted on 2004-04-17 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it! Though it does perhaps need a bit of refining here and there, but no work is ever truly compleated to the writers absolute and perfect desires. Everything is always under construction. ~Sicobe R. Crow
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the first half, but then it all falls apart. Well, that's just the way I see it...
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      good description of a heartbreak. I like the line "Flirt, kiss, smile, sex, accusations". well done. you've taught me new words - had to look up timpani and vindictive.
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch! that must hurt. i don't admit to have felt that way but that must hurt. swell way you managed to channelise it though. i liked the words "montage" and "timpani" - had never heard of those words before. i think i shall be using it all day today (like little kids who learn new words at school)
    | Posted on 2004-04-15 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]

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