Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Montagedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 402



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMontagedots
    -------------------------------------------


    After you spoke your vindictive words,
    I saw our relationship flash before me
    in a well-edited montage:
    flirt, kiss, smile, sex, accusations,
    carefully selected visions.
    Then I saw my shocked face.
    I was out of my body.
    I almost thought I'd died
    until my heart beat resounded
    like a timpani in my chest







    Submitted on 2004-04-15 19:51:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love the idea here, with the montage of memories and all. But I think that you could use it more effectively. Basically, a rewrite is in order. You have the scaffolding of a great write. Remember Mad Libs? Well, do that with this poem it could be a lot better. Now don't get mad at me for being so pompous.
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Again...I loved this piece. Mostly it seems to be so true. The impossibly hurtful words causing a chain reaction, forcing you to reevaluate your whole relationship....that does feel like an out of body experience because it all happens so fast and without planning, without your permission even, all in the space of a heartbeat....

    I think that is why I feel the words, "in a well-edited montage", don't feel like truth...(to me) I guess it would be more real to me if the images would come flying in no particular fashion...when we get all emotional it does not seem that our minds would take the time to neatly package all the good and bad times....

    Anyway...this is just my take on this piece. You always give me things to think about....
    | Posted on 2004-04-17 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it! Though it does perhaps need a bit of refining here and there, but no work is ever truly compleated to the writers absolute and perfect desires. Everything is always under construction. ~Sicobe R. Crow
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the first half, but then it all falls apart. Well, that's just the way I see it...
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      good description of a heartbreak. I like the line "Flirt, kiss, smile, sex, accusations". well done. you've taught me new words - had to look up timpani and vindictive.
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch! that must hurt. i don't admit to have felt that way but that must hurt. swell way you managed to channelise it though. i liked the words "montage" and "timpani" - had never heard of those words before. i think i shall be using it all day today (like little kids who learn new words at school)
    | Posted on 2004-04-15 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    7262

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Shi written by ShyOne
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Carry written by saartha
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Records I written by Raphael

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry