[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Montagedots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 722
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 402


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    After you spoke your vindictive words,
    I saw our relationship flash before me
    in a well-edited montage:
    flirt, kiss, smile, sex, accusations,
    carefully selected visions.
    Then I saw my shocked face.
    I was out of my body.
    I almost thought I'd died
    until my heart beat resounded
    like a timpani in my chest

    Submitted on 2004-04-15 19:51:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I love the idea here, with the montage of memories and all. But I think that you could use it more effectively. Basically, a rewrite is in order. You have the scaffolding of a great write. Remember Mad Libs? Well, do that with this poem it could be a lot better. Now don't get mad at me for being so pompous.
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Again...I loved this piece. Mostly it seems to be so true. The impossibly hurtful words causing a chain reaction, forcing you to reevaluate your whole relationship....that does feel like an out of body experience because it all happens so fast and without planning, without your permission even, all in the space of a heartbeat....

    I think that is why I feel the words, "in a well-edited montage", don't feel like truth...(to me) I guess it would be more real to me if the images would come flying in no particular fashion...when we get all emotional it does not seem that our minds would take the time to neatly package all the good and bad times....

    Anyway...this is just my take on this piece. You always give me things to think about....
    | Posted on 2004-04-17 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it! Though it does perhaps need a bit of refining here and there, but no work is ever truly compleated to the writers absolute and perfect desires. Everything is always under construction. ~Sicobe R. Crow
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the first half, but then it all falls apart. Well, that's just the way I see it...
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      good description of a heartbreak. I like the line "Flirt, kiss, smile, sex, accusations". well done. you've taught me new words - had to look up timpani and vindictive.
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch! that must hurt. i don't admit to have felt that way but that must hurt. swell way you managed to channelise it though. i liked the words "montage" and "timpani" - had never heard of those words before. i think i shall be using it all day today (like little kids who learn new words at school)
    | Posted on 2004-04-15 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    written by Daniel Barlow
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    AI written by poetotoe
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Every..... written by jackz
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]