Messenger by Psychopathic

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Submission Name: Messenger dots

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Author:	Psychopathic_na
ASL Info:	20/m/UK
Elite Ratio:	4.82 - 19/26/13
Words:	70

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	202
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	421

Description:
My first all exlucive published piece...

Its a short piece... no real preference...
just 'somthing'

Messenger dots

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Hell awaits the mortal soul
If one shall sin he will behold
The pain that brings eternal night
The darkness sleeps in its own right
The sun is out the shadows hide
Alone is death in sorrow’s pride
The bringer of death the darkest knight
For he will take your soul tonight
No matter how loud you will scream
Your life will be over, and your death will begin.

Submitted on 2005-08-31 06:56:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Thanks every one for your coments... I aim to please... even though my style is rather 'unscripted' and 'indefined'...

but thank you all

<kai>
| Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by Psychopathic_na | [ Reply to This ]
  hey psychopathic_na
welcome to eliteskills.com==hope u enjoy..
i liked this piece-its short and to the point..
the rhyming was in flow and wasn't forced...u did a good job of explaing hell and its consequences,per se, in a short poem..
there are two things that annoy me: punctuation{which u actually dont hv to care, its jst me :)} and the last three lines.its jst the transition from
For he will take your soul tonight
-to-
No matter how loud you will scream
Your life will be over, and your death will begin.
i dunno it just seems kinda abrupt but then again as zhi wei commented, "it faded into the end" which is also pretty cool..that phrase jst caught my eye and so it makes sense in one way, but in another, its still kinda shaky, u know what i mean? yes i am confusing in my comments :( hehee
anyways, all in all, its pretty cool...i liked it...very very heavy subject, and u did a great job...
keep writing, cheers
DeepsLighter
| Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by DeepsLighter | [ Reply to This ]
  I can imagine this being chanted by Macbeth-style ghostly witches, a prophecy that leaves very little to the imagination, potential sinners can be under no illusion of the darkness that awaits them, a darkness where even the shadows hide...

After all that the ending really ruined the atmosphere of the piece for me; the line "No matter how loud you will scream" just seemed like something out of a cliché ridden horror film and in the last line even the rhyming stopped, either the witches have a strange accent or they just got bored of chanting.

That said you did a pretty good job of condensing an eternity of pain into 10 lines and I look forward to reading some of your more emotional pieces.
| Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  I dont ussually comment myself... but i just wanted to thank all the people who took the time to read my piece and review it...

well i hope to bring in some of my more 'emotional' pieces tomorow... i have a few i writ to my girlfriend...anyway thanks again...
:)
| Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by Psychopathic_na | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good poem! Well written and expressed and truly a dark write! This does indeed portray what death would be or seems to be anyway. I like the title of this poem too as I feel it really fits the piece. Gives me the picture of the grim reaper in my mind! Nice poem and Welcome to Elite! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey,
At first when i looked at the title, i wondered if this was some kind of religious thing but then i saw the category and i switched my thoughts to hell. Cause when it's not light it's dark and when it's not dark it's light. Ying Yang story.

Who knows, maybe we do get messengers from hell telling us what will be our life after death if we don't do the right thing and i don't want to make it sound like your that messenger (highly doubt it) But you portrayed that messenger perfectly. I am astonished at the idea and am amazed at the way you wrote this piece. It is like a messenger has spoke to me of it.

Every dark word that i am aware of, all of it is in this piece. Every thought i have upon darkness, it's all here. Every nightmare i've had that was dark and dealt with hell was exactly what you have spoken of.

I can only congradulate you upon this piece for it is indeed a spectacular projection of darkness and at the same time a reflection of what hell might be. Keep writing. Loved this piece completely.
Take care...Peace.
Irina
| Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  you know, this has really an uncanny resemblance to my latest post, Memento Mori. Haha. Seriously, I mean. strange. anyway, back to your poem.

well, I loved the feel of it... it sounded like a chant to me, which was appropriate, I think, in the sense that in sounded like it was a ritual, reminding people of death. I also liked the fact that your picture of 'hell' was more different than the usual. most people think of hell as a place engulfed in flames, the minority mention it has a place of 'eternal night'. though, it doesn't strike out, but when you think about it, it's true... unconventional way of describing hell. lol. which is good, in my opinion. I loved how it faded into the end... this one's a catchy one, in a darker sense of the word. well, keep writing, and welcome to Elite Skills!
| Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]

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