Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dirty and bare(this isnt sexy)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1058
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1222



    Description:
       i havent finished it, i dont like the ending. any help appreciated and eek! i really dont know about this one!
    ellisa


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDirty and bare(this isnt sexy)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Head like a dead
    Flower head;
    Dry and prickle-sticking out.
    My mother said
    'You look dirty'.
    Head looking dirty and dead.
    In the end it will all grow back,
    You need not mourn dead flowers;
    They crush between fingers in a slow embrace
    As fingertips crush the brittle waist.
    We all know;
    That deep down lies the birth,
    In side spitting we spill the seeds of mirth.
    Our smooth black tears of joy,
    Yes, it will all grow back.
    Face me in my naked truth-
    Cut down to what I am,
    I cannot lie,
    Brow-blank to the sky, in truth,
    Stood bare like winter waiting for spring.
    Barren white ground, waiting for rays,
    The rain runs off in flat blankets, for now,
    My shaved head is stark, but not dirty.
    Now too masculine?
    A mans world forbids us take our fruit in our hands-
    Are women plains who show their fertile ground?
    when you see my head bare,
    do you think me barren?
    Do you think of happy spinsters
    -two under one roof, no rings, no children-
    Even the subtle fruit needs dirt to grow.






    Submitted on 2005-09-01 07:44:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      okay. You are no longer allowed to judge your own work. You are merely channeling, so keep your damn mind out of it. This is so [censored] raw and dirty and painful and ripe with barren images and truth that it IS actually pure and honest and, yeah, I'll say it, truly [censored]king SEXY! I want to put my hands around that bald skull and kiss it and plant a seed in it and watch it grow and cut it off and kiss it again! Amazing how your mind works.

    Can't imagine a better ending by the way, so if you have other ideas I'd love to hear them.

    appears that you are edgier than ever and edginess is next to godliness in my book.
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Thought I had better write something for this just in case you thought I was a complete jerk &#8211; lol. Actually I enjoy your writing &#8211; it is a unique offering to this site.

    Clever how you draw the reader in to the realization of your new absence of hair and then also tie it into (excuse the pun) of the wider image of perceptions of feminity. You even gave it a nice human touch by presenting the comments of mother &#8211; I am sure she will be pleased &#8230; I guess what I essentially liked about this was how you communicated with images rather than preachy slogans, which is the general tendency whenever someone wants to venture into issues which breach the political. Originally done.
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      The "subtle fruit"...?
    I think I preferred the sweetest fruit...
    i think tyou nees to add the word "to" in ths line were it says:
    "A man's world forbids us TO take our fruits in our hands.." or was it meant to be that way?
    the part about soinsters is interesting, it lightens the mood of the peom thoug, somehow, is that a desired effect...
    anyway, it's cool.

    ciao
    PEnny
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by barefootangel | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the end actually... I think the poem is rough and rugged and dirty..( of course not meaning sexy...) It perfectly evokes a freshly shaven head with a multitude of shorn hairs clining tenaciously to the neck, that raw prickly feeling of running your hands over the newness of it, that dirty-itchy feeling when hairs fefuse to brush off...but most importantly it is filled with courage, and defiance...

    Possibly you can break up the last two lines, like this...

    "In honesty, when you see my head bare,
    Do you think me barren?
    But, my friend,
    Even the sweetest fruit needs dirt to grow."

    maybe you can use a better phrase than "but, my friend"...you could put something like..

    "Face reality, my friend,
    Even the sweetes fruit
    Needs dirt to grow"

    lol...maybe that's worse...but I think that breaking up those last two lines will help improve the rythm..

    ciao
    Penny
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by barefootangel | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    72743

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry