Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Those Wordsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/86
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1314
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1038



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThose Wordsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Standing on the shore
    Listening to the waves
    The movement of water
    caressing the beach sand
    Hearing your approach,
    you walk up from behind
    Strong arms wrap my waist,
    pulling my body closer
    The scent of your skin
    so inviting, taking deep breaths,
    absorbing all I can
    Feeling warmth upon my neck
    Gentle breath against my skin sends
    shivering chills through my body
    A most arousing sensation
    Fingertips slide the strap of my dress
    allowing kisses to my shoulder
    Standing becomes a struggle
    Each touch from your soft lips
    brings weakness to my knees
    Turning to face you,
    looking deep into your eyes,
    a smile upon my face
    Wrapping my arms around you
    a passionate embrace
    Whispering into my ear,
    a precious gift I have just received
    Hearing those words from you
    for the very first time...
    "I love you"






    Submitted on 2005-09-01 07:58:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lorna, you write the most wonderful love poetry! I enjoyed this very much!
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought I had already commented on this piece, but I guess I missed it.

    Another spectacularly romantic write.

    The one thing I might toy with is the line
    A most arousing sensation
    It fits and it's accurate, but it's a little nonemotional, almost academic. It almost has the feel of Spock standing at the other end of the beach. He turns to Kirk, one eyebrow lifted, with the commment "Most arousing". LOL

    Of course, this is picky as ^%$#. I have to look long and hard in your work for anything to suggest.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Dear Lorna,
    Thank you for sharing to so many your poem "Those Words"
    I found "Those Words" to be a beautifully yearned for first encounter of the most exciting and least controlable period of love. I call this part of love, infatuation.

    Your scene drawing me into this poem is about all the powerful gifts from God. "Standing on the shore", listening" listening to the powerful waves crashing upon the beach shore, and then removing some of it's sand , but leaving behind
    a deposit of other item. The beach is quite a powerful setting for infatuation to flourish.

    Yes, this infatuation carries you to the place you so longingly want to hear the longed for words "I love you."

    Now many years later, same person, the infatuation is not quite so intense, not saying it doesn't exist, just that it is differenct. We all try to recapture this exciting and warm feeling of love.

    But, true love comes after many years of working in harmony. And, strange enough, oh, yes, the infatuation feelings of love once again comes you way and is yours to enjoy. The wonderful smell you have grown accustomed to, permeates the air, and your nose feels excitment once again.

    A true joy to read, I thank you for sharing with me.

    God bless,
    Yvonne
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by dycrain | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna, you are what I would call a 'proper poet'. Me, I just write little rhyming stories but you, take it farther. The way you described this beach encounter was superb, with just enough 'scent' and description to leave the reader wanting more from you - what happens next ! Phewwwwwww 'put the kettle on again !
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      What a wonderful poem and love poems seem to be my favorite. I don't think I would change a thing about this write because it seems to me it came from the heart and that always makes a good write to me.
    Thanks for haring this enjoyable love poem and have a great day...
    !doc`
    BTW I loved the ending...
    | Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      Girl, now you see why I moved near a beach? hehehe. I swore this was my own memory being played back from at least a week ago! This was very personal and realistic. I liked the easy flow and the starting of arousal leading to action. Very well done.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This reads as a very personal poem. As such it is sweet, romantic, and a little wordy. Also, because it is personal, and related as it happened, it becomes trite. The vision of two lovers on the beach is not an original one. Being a personal poem, you may not want to change anything about this, but rather save it as a momento, but to become good poetry this needs a re-write and a new ending. Consider a case of mistaken identity, or something supernatural, or criminal, or some other form of abnormal love.

    On the shore
    as the waves caress the sand,
    you approach from behind,
    wrap my waist in strong arms,
    and pull my body closer.

    Over the ocean air
    rises your natural scent,
    so inviting.

    Your breath is warmth upon my neck,
    yet sends a shiver through my body.
    Fingertips slide the strap of my dress.
    Soft lips stroke kisses across my shoulders.
    Standing becomes a struggle.

    ( From here forward is where you need to add a new ending, to give this a kick, but just to finish)

    Turning to face you,
    a passionate embrace.
    You whisper in my ear
    for the first time...

    I love you.

    I can't emphasis enough the need for a twist here at the end of this otherwise personal account. You can go in so many directions, but only you can choose. Again you needn't change a thing, if you wish to keep this as a remembrance of that moment.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this was very good. I really liked the description and how you wrote it. Theres a lot of detail in this piece and I thought it was great. I wrote a poem first kiss which you read but it was only a dream I had. This was nice. I had pictures in my head when reading this poem. I could imagine everything as it was told. Like it was a story. good job. -james
    | Posted on 2005-09-08 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      I found myself drawn in by the description, having grown up in Southern California. I could feel the pasion of the moment growing with the approach of a would be lover. I could hear the waves upon the shore, and smell the sea in the air. The romance was there, the setting, and the players of the scene. The magic that is caught in the commitment of those words "I love you" heard for the first time. Beautiful work. Smiles.
    | Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by Traveller | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful and congratulations, love is all of it, hands down.
    So glad to see this going on in your life.
    You move us into this mood by steady increments, so deftly you asserted your attention to remembering the words for us.
    Bless you, and though I've written my share of poems to a lover, I like how you leave something sensual unbuttoned
    but don't get graphic, it's moving and yet so sweetly adorned love. Thanks for sharing your joy with us.
    peace and love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      darnn this was really good. i could see the whole poem like a movie in my head. ur description was amazing. this one is definitely gonna be a fave. having someone u care about tell u they love u is one of the most precious gifts u can recieve. darnn good write.
    | Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      beautiful!! I got chills! this had some great imagery, I really imagined being on this beach with someone I love just holding me. I loved the part about your dress... how sweet! well its things like this that make me want to be older.lol. great write!!
    -steph
    | Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      the " I love you feeling" only comes when you feel the arousing movement. I do not know if it is too late to realize was it for the lust or the real thing?
    me, I am all for the lust lol
    j/k

    nice poem my friend
    peace
    | Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
      A very lovely write Lorna. I found it to be very visual and sensual as I read it. But it's it more than just sensual. It has a deeper story to tell as well of the desire for acceptance and fulfillment that all we humans have. That message is lacking from many of the other senusual poems found here on this site unfortunately. Intersetingly enough that message can be stated very simply by the desire to hear "Those Words" that you end your poem with of "I Love you". Many thanks for a wonderful poem!
    Bill
    | Posted on 2005-09-02 00:00:00 | by rankamateur | [ Reply to This ]
      I know you never mentioned the Moons influence over love but somehow that must have been a full moon that night. How lucky the man in your arms, (sighs deeply and checks off another potential SWF from my list)- Just kidding i wish you all the luck in the world!
    Especially in your writing, this was explicit and very moving in its touching display of romantic sensations.
    If this was not real then your mind has been running over with sexual tensions, someone must run to your rescue, I hope he is waiting near the lifeguard tower! HAha!
    SEE you soon, here on a post.
    | Posted on 2005-09-02 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      wonderfully romantic and pleasureable to read. every e/motion conveyed is lovely. the introduction to the scene and its sounds is nice. the bodies coming together. i like the natural scent line thats very hot. also drawing close and looking into eyes is wonderful. best part is the "i love you" at the end."
    mike
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      AAAwwww Lorna and now although this was truly beautiful , u have reminded me of what is missing in my life if only *signs* although i'll never give up , and even if i dont find him till the day before i die , i know i will have been truly loved.
    take care
    Elaine x
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
      AAAwwww Lorna and now although this was truly beautiful , u have reminded me of what is missing in my life if only *signs* although i'll never give up , and even if i dont find him till the day before i die , i know i will have been truly loved.
    take care
    Elaine x
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
      First I'll say...Ignore Joey. He's a prat.
    Onward...

    This was excruciatingly beautiful. Passionate, of course...but the very words seemed to shimmer and waver and glow brilliantly...much like the picture you have posted. "I love you" for the first time is beyond any description (that is, if it's wanted). I like how you told the story leading up to the "I love you"...most people tell the story After the "I love you"...and I like how you ended it there. It was different, and very nice. Comforting, relaxing, embracing. This was beautiful.

    Be Well
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna , you had me on the beach again. God! you've had me so many times in so many places!
    I was walking up behind you my strong arms sliding around your waist feeling your breathing your warmth against me. Pulling the shoulder strap aside soI could kiss your shoulder while I squeezed you ever so gently. You turn to me and I gaze into your beautiful loving eyes and kiss your upturned waiting mouth, feel my knees buckle, as I nuzzle your neck and whisper in your ear; Lorna, I love you and always will!

    You know who
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so well written...you express beautifully the feeling you get from him simply by the adjectives you choose to describe him...strong arms, natural scent, gentle breath... This piece is the epitome of sweet passion. Great job!

    ~Cari
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
      OK, here's my rewrite. One thing I do is to eliminate unnecessary words to give the necessary ones stronger impact.

    Feel free to take or leave my suggestions.

    Standing on shore
    Listening to waves
    movement of water
    Caressing beach sand
    Hearing your approach
    You walk up behind
    Strong arms wrap my waist
    Pulling my body closer
    Smelling your scent
    So natural, deep breaths
    Absorbing all I can
    warmth upon neck
    Gentle breath against skin
    Chills shiver through my body
    arousing sensation
    Fingertips slide dress strap
    Allowing lips to touch shoulder
    Standing becomes a struggle
    Each touch from your soft kisses
    weakens knees
    Turning to face you
    Looking deep into your eyes
    smile upon my face
    Wrapping arms around you
    passionate embrace
    soft whisper into my ear
    Hearing those words from you
    For the very first time...
    precious gift received

    "I love you"
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      On the one hand this is something attainable and worthy of writing about and if it exists in your heart or life then it can never be considered cliché and from that perspective you've done a wonderful job of sketching out the moment. I say sketching because I can see the seams of your craft in a few loose phrases and in the way that this doesn't quite seem to come to life.

    On the other hand this is a poem that seems to follow the guidelines of a television commercial, romance novel, and is lost in the multitudes of love poems that draw up similar images. Writing about love, I doubt any poem could avoid some cliché imagery but this seems so unoriginal that it's almost boring.

    If this poem was your last chance to convey your love to this person, how would they know that it came from you and you alone? and that it spoke from and of your heart....I'd like to see the answers to those questions in this poem.

    use or lose.... DB
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Another great write! You are amazing with love poetry! I'm jealous. You always capture these tender and intimate moments in such an incredible way...I'd love to be standing there in your shoes!
    You leave just enough to the imagination and I love it!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      awww...this is beautiful...the first i love you...and its so wonderful when people are in love...sigh...hehe...

    though i enjoyed this...i think it could use...some spacing stanza wise...and your word usage could be a little more descriptive...

    or maybe i'm just picky...

    though with line breaks...it might work just how it is...

    something like...

    standing on the shore
    listening to the waves
    the movement of the water...(is there a way to maybe describe that)
    carresing the beach sand.

    hearing you aproach
    you walk up from behind
    strong arms wrap my waist
    pulling my body closer(mayb e pulling me closeror our bodies closer...nah...our bodies ...something describing their bodies touching an example isnt coming to min d)

    smelling your natural scent(maybe describe his scent)
    so inviting,
    taking deep breathes
    asorbing all i can...ect...you get the idea...

    just suggestions though...its your poem...

    but i did enjoy the romantic feel itr has...purps
    | Posted on 2005-09-01 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    72746

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry