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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'm Still...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zu
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 446/379/76
    Words: 298
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 999
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1862



    Description:
       well there's something about this song that i just dont like. wish i hadnt writtenit,, but i have, so go and bash it people!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI'm Still...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'll wait…
    I'll wait until it's too late
    I'll wait for my sad fate
    I'll wait at your gates
    I'll wait for you to be mine again
    I'll wait here in the cold rain…

    I'll still wait…

    I fear that one day when it'll be too much
    I'll break down, and give in to my fears
    The pain will disappear but not the scars
    Caused there on my cheek by those tears
    Courage gives me new found will to go on
    I can handle cause I've handled a lot
    The memories bring pain, driving insane
    Soon they'll go away, shrink into a dot.

    You love me more than anything in the world
    Yet you'll hurt me like nothing's ever done
    First time I thought I was going to come first
    But even when I'm first I'm still second.

    All those nights of thinking and waiting for you
    All that time there was only me and my song
    There was always something missing in my life
    Until you came to me, walked along
    But I can't share you, hope you know that
    And when I have to it hurts me really very bad
    I can't help it, but I've almost had it
    A little more and it'll really drive me mad…

    You love me more than anything in the world
    Yet you'll hurt me like nothing's ever done
    First time I thought I was going to come first
    But even when I'm first I'm still second.

    You love me, and I love you
    Just you being there was enough for me
    The pain keeps hurting when you're not with me
    Just when I thought I had you to myself
    I found I didn't have you at all

    But I'll still wait…




    Submitted on 2005-09-01 15:03:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey there, it's been a while, huh? Hope everything's going well with you but I'll bash away now.

    There was something about this I didn't like either. It's not like your other writes at all I don't think, in fact, this write seems quite forced. Was it? Seriously, I thought the rhymes were forced and the flow was off and woah, critical captical there.

    The best parts I found, were the stanzas which didn't rhyme because they didn't seem as forced, but there was still something about them that seemed unnatural, which is very unusual for you, matey. Anyway, I enjoyed the message of this piece and I sure felt that as good as any other love piece.

    Hope we talk soon,
    James
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont like the first stanza very much because its got too many ' ill wait's but i suppose its a good stanza to begin a song with.
    dude, zu these lines are a masterpiece:

    All those nights of thinking and waiting for you
    All that time there was only me and my song
    There was always something missing in my life
    Until you came to me, walked along
    But I can't share you, hope you know that
    And when I have to it hurts me really very bad
    I can't help it, but I've almost had it
    A little more and it'll really drive me mad…

    something I as u already know can totally relate to. but dude u have to stop thinking about atu ,i mean thinga happen and u cant change it so try to think less about her and more about ur ASU's. about the lyrics, the chorus is very nice especially the last line, but like steph said try to flow rather than fix, everything doesnt have to rhyme(yes im a hypocrite) but since im not as good a writer as u are u should do better*glares*
    on the whole a nice write which can be slightly improved .
    respect
    gautam
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by Gautam | [ Reply to This ]
      took me long enough to comment huh? Sorry bout that. But I really enjoyed this, considering it was horribly sad. some suggestions, like I said before, lose some of the waits, so the first stanza would be like this:
    I'll wait until it's too late
    for my sad fate
    I'll wait at your gates
    for you to be mine again
    I'll wait here in the cold rain

    or something different, whatever you like.

    LOVED the second stanza, you say so much, and show some real feelings there, along with your fears. I think it's great to get personal, without being too personal, and you definently did that here.

    I also loved the third to last stanza, where you talk about how theres always something missing. I could completely relate with that line... me being in the states feels so far away sometimes.

    Great job on this one, I really don't know why more people don't pay attention to your work.

    -Steph
    | Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think this one was bad.. Yet, I had so many favorite lines...

    I fear that one day when it'll be too much
    I'll break down, and give in to my fears
    The pain will disappear but not the scars
    Caused there on my cheek by those tears


    You love me more than anything in the world
    Yet you'll hurt me like nothing's ever done
    First time I thought I was going to come first
    But even when I'm first I'm still second.


    To me I don't think anyone will bash this.. the only advise I had, when you rhyming try to make it like the same way you did it first.. it seems that you rhyme whenever it fits in, instead of going with your flow.. thats the only thing...

    Other than that, it has a perfect meaning, and it is really good. I don't think you should say bash it people.. becasue to me it was enjoyable, with many good lines...

    Good write
    Stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-09-02 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]


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