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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Thee Immortaldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nebnim
    ASL Info:    21 - Female - My Room
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 284/405/75
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 982
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 940



    Description:
       I'm not sure when I wrote this. It could have been a year ago...it could have been ten years ago. There's something about it that I like, but for the most part I don't like it that much. Any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThee Immortaldots
    -------------------------------------------


    A love as ancient as Roman scriptures
    Defying time, distance and all mortal doubt
    Omniscient and gilded
    Beyond the outer image of something new as snow
    Scratch beneath the surface
    Only to find my Guru
    Here to teach, learn, love and grow
    You're my inspiration for these words
    My modern day Muse here to tease
    Within you I find myself
    Within your eyes I find my entire galaxy
    There for my wonder and amazment
    An ever lasting gaze into your world
    That beautiful world I wish to belong to
    You alone posses all the divinities
    Of great Masters of the past
    The playfulness of Sri Krishna
    The wisdom of Adi Shankara
    And the compassion of Jesus
    You're all of these, but something more
    Something I've never seen before, yet alway's knew existed
    Everything you are is everything to me




    Submitted on 2005-09-01 18:31:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is actually a pretty good write, beautiful, in spite of the fact that you "don't like it that much".

    Perhaps your lack of personal fulfillment lies in its lack of connection with a person. As a love poem, it's nicely done, but is it possible that to you, its more of a literary exercise than an expression of true love for someone?

    My two copper Lincolns,

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Aw shux Rach, a poem for me???? LOL

    My 6 foot fairy, I’m not sure how old that is either, but I can tell you this much, it is rather good – Of course I’m slightly prejudiced. You have some really excellent lines in here,
    “Defying time, distance and all mortal doubt”
    “Beyond the outer image of something new as snow”
    ”Scratch beneath the surface”
    ”Only to find my Guru”
    “Within you I find myself”
    ”Within your eyes I find my entire galaxy”

    Well, just all the lines are good, those just stuck out at me. The pictures that you can create in my mind with your writing are just amazing.
    I really liked this Rach – enough that I wanted to make sure I commented here, instead of waiting to hash it out with you over coffee and sushi

    Lisa
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this! To me it is a poem of admiration of the "someone" you love. To speak such high praise is acceptable, when speaking of ones lover. I do have a few suggestions that I hope are helpful to you:

    L1 - No need to say "Roman scripture". All things Roman would carry the reader to the same era. I think you would be better off saying , "as ancient as scripture".

    L4 - I would drop "of something new as snow" and just say "of new." It's the newness you want to emphasize.

    L6 - Drop "only". Not needed, adds nothing.

    L11 - No need to say "entire galaxy". Its entirety is incomprehensible.

    L14 - Change "that I wish to belong to" to "where I hope to belong"

    L15 - Drop "all". Add it to next line.

    L16 - "Of all the great Masters..."

    L20 - "You are these and something more"

    L21 - Drop "before".

    Also "everlasting" is one word, and I would hyphenate "modern-day".

    I hope these help. I like what this says. It is love speaking loud and clear. You might consider expanding on some of the ideas enclosed in this, i. e. What is the "something more." Well, that's all the ideas I have. Again I think you got something going here, and could do a lot with it, though I enjoyed it as is.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a lovely poem! So full of emotions and feeling. Having this strong a love for someone is magical and wonderful! I like the words you have chosen to use and the poem as a whole is very good and well written! I especially love the last line. "Everything you are is everything to me". That is such a powerful sentence and it sums up this poem perfectly. I am not sure why you say you dont like this poem very much as I enjoyed it! This was a pleasure to read! Great poem! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-09-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't ussually criticise love poetry.. (i like to withold my emotional feeling) but this one is different... i can say that i understand where you are comming from but then again we are all individual and i wouldn't like to guess...

    Ok... the wording... the thing i like about this particular piece is that you take a whole lot of cultures and combine them into one... religion wise, most people would think its insulting..e. how can you compare Jesus to Sri krishna... i dont think it is insulting though... in my eyes i think you protray your feelings excelently and as tondo said, you manage to make the words flow at a resonable tempo...
    one of my more enjoyable reads...

    well done...

    <kai>
    | Posted on 2005-09-02 00:00:00 | by Psychopathic_na | [ Reply to This ]


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