Description: this is about a relationship I am in right now that I don't know how long it will last. It is nice to have a body to hold, but my heart and mind is elsewhere. I just wish it were easier to give up.
I thought what I wanted
was to jump in head first
and just keep swimming
after a few strokes
I had to come up for air
the cold air pierced my hungry lungs
I realize now that
I was gasping for breath
I was drowing
I am not so sure I want to keep going
the shore is not too far behind me
it is not too late to head back
if I dry off for awhile in the warming sun
I can jump in when I am ready for the long journey
but the water feels good rightnow
I amnot sure I am ready to get out
A good metaphorical piece. It really explored the themes of desire, sensibilty, impatience, impulse, indecision...and many more, all in 16 lines! At first I felt a lack of rhythm, but by the end I thought that this was almost necessessary for the poem to work. Just a few petty spelling mistakes...but mostly a great poem!
Nice. The metaphor used was excellent. At times, things were really like that for me, but I never thought of comparing it to swimming. Continue being in the water. I trust that there is more to lose by getting out right now. ^_^
I enjoyed this piece. I have to say though, where can a relationship go when there is doubt involved? There should be no doubt. Doubt leads to infidelity, infidelity leads to suicides. At least thats my take on it. The metaphor was very clever- I enjoyed that most of all. Lots of talent. Good job fellow michigander 20something. -Q
Keep testing the water. You will know in your heart whether to swim off, tread water, or risk drowning. The concept of relating a relationship to a swim in the water was very clever and highly original.