Description: Haven't we all had those awful moments of waiting for that news or view or outcome ..... one that you know in your heart is not going to be what you want. This is an attempt at capturing that moment (my own little challenge while attempting to maintain some sort of rhyming scheme). Anyway, let me know if you have ideas/comments for improvement. :)
Oh, and just to clarify, "gin and it" is an alcoholic beverage which is basically gin and sweet vermouth.
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She perched on the edge of the couch
toying with her tobacco pouch,
and waited for what she dreaded most:
her heart dragged from pillar to post.
She let her cigarette burn down
to the groove, tar stained and brown,
and maybe she cried a bit,
or maybe she drank gin and it;
neither she'd openly admit.
Then, she fumbled for the handset
for a call that chilled her cold sweat,
and pressed it against her ear so hard
that her earring left a calling card;
And an even voice belied her fear,
dry rot with a painted veneer.
Fingers entwined in the phone cord,
she listened, and silently roared;
For what she wants, there is no accord.
This is a deceptive poem, I read it ages ago when you first posted it and i'm glad i waited til now to say something.
I've had this myself (i'm sure everyone has) and it's the most excruciating feeling. 24 hours i waited to be dragged around once, which in the end was kinds great because i got so pissed off i was kind of steely calm and desicive that i ended the call feeling great!
And an even voice belied her fear, dry rot with a painted veneer.
It's like your writes are getting neater and neater, tight little packages of presicion. It'd try to agree with screams that it's amazing that you get it to rhyme but to be honest you do this all the time it seems. You totally avoid all cliché and dawdry terms in the passage of your rhyming, like it's totally secondary - but then there it is. I think you disguise it so well with relatable and highly visual or emotive imagery.
eg. Fingers entwined in the phone cord, she listened, and silently roared;
and - She let her cigarette burn down to the groove, tar stained and brown, and maybe she cried a bit, or maybe she drank gin and it; neither she'd openly admit.
So i've got to disagree with Storm of Bliss, i almost forgot that it rhymed in the end because of the description capturing the mood. Maybe on the first read i could relate to SoB a bit more but like i've said before, i find it hard to concentrate on most things initially. Nice piece!
I am amazed that you managed to rhyme in a poem like this, even though I think the it would be even better if you didnt rhyme.
I think the most striking part of them poem is the repsonse on the telepjoe.. a voice was heard but not the voice she wants to hear.
and her response... stifled I think, in a silent roar.. emoitons are high, but nothing of no effect is come across... sound too familar to me .. like a d ead empty relationship... I think its effective in this way..
and I think it would be better if it didnt rhyme... I bet it would turn this poem to wild to phucking crazy.
you twinged my nerves dammit.. now that takes a good poem.
Your writes are always so intense – Gum Trees etc -this I wasn't expecting, so it took me totally by surprise. Have read a lot of forced rhyme lately, so this was a pleasant relief from that kind of pain. I feel that it lightened the tension and moderated the panic, if that was your intent.
Even the title shocked me – was expecting something erotic for some reason! look at my recent FAV and you'll see where that idea came from! So you got me twice on this write!
I'd normally recommend a change to a hyperbaton (sweat cold), but in this case I can't 'cause it decimate your “scheme rhyme”! Be honest – do you really have a cocktail called 'gin & it' (Oz thingy??)? I call them “Sweet Martunies”! Maybe use, “or drank gin straight because of it;” if this was a forced rhyme.
“dry rot with a painted veneer.” Is a classic – my favorite line!
You captured the moment very well, I think. I loved the image you painted here. Her sitting there, waiting for something inevitable, anxiety dripping off her face. Beautifully writ. At some points the rhyming was great! But I found it slightly forced in other parts, for example:
[...]and maybe she cried a bit, or maybe she drank gin and it; neither she'd openly admit.[...]
This piece has great potential, and I even felt a bit anxious along with the character. You have talent, hon! Keep at it and I hope to see more of your work!