The Violin by aletha

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Submission Name: The Violin dots

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Author:	aletha_409
ASL Info:	19/F/Kansas
Elite Ratio:	4.43 - 34/41/10
Words:	68

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	223
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	474

Description:
Tell me what you think, bashing is welcome. I can't improve unless somebody points out the weak spots. :)

The Violin dots

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The violin of your body
entices me.
How it connects the arm
to hand,
I do not understand.
The rushing crimson
beneath the alabastor case
entrances me with
its melody.

I watch in fascination
as you draw the
silver bow
across your violin.
And listen with a smile
as melody pours out.
And I,
your audience of one,
applaud at the end of the concert.

Submitted on 2005-09-03 09:20:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This work is spectacular. I read through the first stanza thinking your concept was of the violin's music, but the body part was at first confusing. When I came to the second stanza, "silver bow" screamed at me from the page. You see I played the violin for many years and have never seen anything metal having to do with one, other than its strings. I reread and then I understood completely the picture within the picture that perhaps others are missing.
I don't care much for darker works, and the smiling audience thing gave me the chills, but this is exceptionally lovely. I love the form and flow you have used. Your imagery is fabulous as is your concept. Beautiful work!
-Michele
| Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by Angelfire226 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is indeed a very unique way to express the beauty of Violin... and for it's uniqueness this is something sort of normal... :) As said "Remember you are unique just like everybody else..." by Wisdom... hehe...

Ok time to look at its composition and style. The meaning was clear. I wasn't confused at anything... though I do believe that it holds a deeper meaning to it... but since I have no idea what it is... I'd rather not think about it... :)
Then the style... The rhythm was beautiful but I can't quite place a finger on the beatings that much. I'm quite lyrical to be frank (almost traditional... I'm not into without rhyme things... Sorry...) But in its own way the rhythm came through and made your piece as brilliant as any piece should be... to the eyes of the author and to the eyes of the audience...

I watch in fascination
as you draw the
silver bow
across your violin.

I really liked this line... :) To me it plays a hundred thousand melodies... worth a lifetime... and also as sweet as the fullest fruit that my lips had ever grazed on... :)
Oh yeah... other than your spectacular measure... I also like how you string your words... though I haven't read much of your works... I heard from nomoregoodbyes (read actually) that you are a "very versatile writer." Wow... :o That's all I can say... I can see myself as versatile but only I stumble as I turn... ;) Which means I'm not... but really now...
What really striked the metal to white hot goodness was how you string those words... you got me licking off them... ;) Not literally though or else the monitor would get sticky and yucky and stuff...
To sum it all... I can see no major bad points in it... and the only flaw I see in this is the rhythm... (amazing as it is... I really can't see that much...) but also in that flaw lies the factor that makes your work beautiful... :) For in it... a unique flow of rhythm is endowed... And for your strongest point... it's the stringing of words and thoughts... blending it to almost utter harmony... :)

~Ardor~
P.S. I like your work... and oh yeah... keep on writing... :)
| Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Ardor | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, i love the progression and imagery in this one! it's quite different from the other one you have posted, which tells me you are a very versatile writer. i have gained more respect for you after reading this one.

i like the first stanza a bit better than the second, mostly for its imagery, but i do like the contrast in imagery when i look at the poem as a whole. one thing i don't quite favor (since you admit you would like advice,) is the last line of the poem. it seems a bit too long and throws off the format a bit. however, i'm sure you could change that with ease.

great job, once again!
| Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by NoMoreGoodbyes | [ Reply to This ]
  What a different way to express music to emotion...I had so many visual images in mind as I read, and also felt the intense emotion your words painted so nicely. Like being serenaded in a quiet private room by the one that you love the most. How inviting and romantic. I enjoyed this and can't think of any critique for it, because it is fine the way it is to me, and I wouldn't change a thing! cher
| Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Inducted_Kitty | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem was pretty good, but I think that you could elaborate on the emotion. Your imagery was excellently done, but adding more would do nothing but improve this piece. I wished that it had been a little longer. It started and then all of a sudden it ended.

I really liked the idea you went with. Using a violin as description is something I haven't seen yet on this site.

It kept my attention throughout the poem. I didn't feel like I just wanted to skip to the end. I wanted to read every line to soak in the imagery and emotion.

~Corey
| Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
  It's really pretty good. The rythm is awesome and the imagery and description blew me away. You lost it a bit at the end. The meter fell a little. You may want to work with that. Otherwise it is an amazing peace. You are an awesome writer.
| Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Raineyes | [ Reply to This ]

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