Good-bye by Writer Chic

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Submission Name: Good-bye dots

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Author:	Writer Chic
ASL Info:	15/F/at my house
Elite Ratio:	4.83 - 100/101/26
Words:	104

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/
Total Views:	465
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	755

Description:
I wrote this poem a while ago, when I found out that I was leaving for Brisbane from Sydney. It was for my best friend, I hope you like, plz comment freely

Good-bye dots

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The wind blows,
a chill goes down my spine.
My mind races at the thought
of leaving you.

You've been a good friend
and like the trees in Autumn,
you've given me happiness.

Goodbye -
I hate to say the word.
It drifts us apart,
it make us unfamiliar.

I don't want to leave
but I have to,
Fate has other plans for me.

I try to hold on............impossible.
don't let me go............you've let go.....
Already, it feels like miles between us
I've lost you, I can't find you
You're gone......... forever
Good-bye..............my good friend

Submitted on 2005-09-04 01:42:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Writer Chic [Good-Bye]
Felicity
Wonderful job in translating a difficult experience. Your write though simple and concise, speaks volumes!

Your last stanza, in particular, is powerful. I felt pulled through the read – couldn't wait to see the way you'd draw it all to a close. You did an amazing job. My congratulations.

Thanx, C.U. encore

uncreaTED (Mu-Wi)
| Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by uncreaTED | [ Reply to This ]
  this is so very heartbreaking. I think it is very well done, excellent even. I'm blown away by the ending effect it hit me like a ton of bricks!

"I try to hold on...impossible...
...don't let me go...you've let go...
Already, it feels like miles between us
I've lost you, I can't find you
You're gone... forever
Good-bye...my good friend"

I love that immensely!
mike
| Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece is relatively short, yet so powerful. I've moved twice in my short life, and both times there was no way for me to express the anguish I was going through. No amount of tears would wash away the pain of leaving those best friends that I loved so much. I still keep in contact with them, but that closeness that once existed is no more. This poem brought tears to my eyes. I feel what you are going through, and pray that you'll find some terrific new friends to help fill the void left in from the loss of your friends. A very touching piece.
~Jen~
| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by Jengrr | [ Reply to This ]
  This is indeed very sad! Always so hard to leave someone that you love and care about! Especially when you have a good friend that you must say goodbye to cause good friends are hard to come by and it hurts when you know you wont see them anymore! This is a very nice, well written poem with good expression of the sadness you felt! Nice poem! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  I do agree with alteredlife that it might be a little more asthetically pleasing if it were in stanzas, it would make it feel a little more to me like your one person was still trying to hold on, yet being pushed away. I don't know, but it makes sense to me. The impotant thing is that you're happy with the way it turned out. Right now I can totally relate to this. My friend an I kind of stopped talking because she started seeing one of my exs (and you know how people have to find out for thmselves about how people really are, and insisted that he had changed abd then found out he hadn't), and since we've never been the same. I left yesterday for university, and I think that we're going to sepparate even more now. Even though I know I don't want to, and I think that she doesn't want to, it's going to keep happening and there's nothing I can do about it. I really loved your read because it was so honest, especially at the end when you're pleeding not to let go. Thanks for that, it's what I needed this morning.

~Jessica
| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
  Might I suggest breaking up your poem into stanzas?

The wind blows,
a chill goes down my spine.
My mind races at the thought
of leaving you.

You've been a good friend
and like the trees in Autumn,
you've given me happiness.

Goodbye -
I hate to say the word.
It drifts us apart,
they make us unfamiliar.

I don't want to leave
but I have to,
Fate has other plans for me.

I try to hold on............impossible...
...don't let me go............you've let go.....
Already, it feels like miles between us
I've lost you, I can't find you
You're gone......... forever
Good-bye..............my good friend

I left your last stanza as it was as for I thought it reflected how you felt - the breezing goodbye to your friend, how it trails off.

But the first part I divided into stanzas of four, three, four, three. And I also fixed up a typo and some punctuation.

As this is, it's good but I think you could give it moe visual coherency. Or maybe that's exactly the opposite of what you were going for. Either/or, the way I have formatted it seems to do both sides of thought justice. What do you think?

Hope this helps in some way.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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